I believe readers would have heard it said at least once in their live time that women enjoy been beaten. The comments paint a picture that seems to suggest that violence is part of our culture and women especially have been socialized to expect violence when they are in relationships or marriage. Some of these comments even go further to say that some women enjoy being beaten and that romances are rekindled when violence ensues with the woman at the receiving end. I believe readers would have heard this statement at least once in their lifetime. This is the story of Rosemond & Alfred (not their real names) in attempt to buttress this saying. Before I married Alfred my husband we had many misunderstandings which I explained away due to the stress of planning for the wedding and the need to be the man to always feel “like a man”. Alfred turns violent any time he felt he was being disrespected. He would go ahead and throw tantrums until everyone gets fed up and apologizes to him. I noticed that he was particularly harsh to his parents which I attributed to his being the last born and the fact he must have been over pampered. When we got married we were the talk of the town. I felt proud when I was called a Mrs. and got disappointed when not referred to as such. He treated me well, He introduced me to all his friends and they loved me. He was so romantic and caring, I longed daily for his love, approval and opinion on most of the things. I observed that soon after the honeymoon we stopped talking and the house was usually tensed. I could not conceive in my mind what the reason was for the tense atmosphere at home. On many occasions I woke up early in the morning to ask him if I had done anything wrong so I could apologize. He always said I had not done anything wrong but his behaviour continued. I really missed the love and care. One day I prepared his supper late because I closed late from work and he got so angry that he beat me. He kicked my stomach many times and slapped me. I feared that I would have miscarriage because I was pregnant then. He insulted me and screamed at me saying I was the reason why he was not happy and did not have the freedom to do what he loved to do. He called me all kinds of names; he said I was daft – incapable of taking simple decisions without waiting for his approval. He said I was too soft for his liking. After the beating I lay unconscious on the floor. Realizing the seriousness of what he had done, he felt sorry and remorseful. When he rushed me to the hospital, I lied that I fell from the stairs, but his friend who was the doctor was confused because he knew we did not have stairs at home. Alfred was once again the loving husband that he was apologising fervently and promised not to do that again. What particularly impressed me was the fact that he made many of his friends to call and apologize to me. I felt very important and once again the love of his life. He showered a lot of gifts on me – something he stopped doing just soon after the wedding. I could see that Alfred was very sorry and wished he could have prevented the miscarriage that we suffered. The miscarriage really got to him and soon he became very bitter and angry for the loss. I noticed our relationship was getting tensed again; I felt guilty for this situation and once again apologized for the loss one early morning. This angered him and he beat me mercilessly. And as usual he apologized fervently and promised and swore to his mother’s grave that he will not do that again. What I love about Alfred is that he knows how to love me. He knows what I love and he gives me just that anytime he hurts me. But I am beginning to wonder if I should endure all his beatings so he apologize when he comes to his senses and shower me with all the love? I only get to enjoy him after he has hurt me. I love Alfred very much and wish the beatings could stop. Indeed these and many other stories suggest that victims of violence, who we know are usually women, get compensated. The compensation comes in various forms; some victims belonging to some cultures tell us that the perpetrator is made to gather all the family heads to apologize to the victim. This gesture is sometimes very flattering whereby chiefs and community leaders old as grandfathers pleading and asking for mercy. This compels the victim to stay in the relationship even if it is very abusive because of the ‘honour’ of having elders come to beg any time victim is molested. That is also the period the victim gets the attention of the perpetrator – her husband. Before the abuse the house is usually tensed, victim is jittery and afraid that the perpetrator might strike. And indeed the perpetrator will indeed strike at the least provocation – it could be late serving of supper, request for school fees or refusal to have sex. After the violence perpetrators are usually very remorseful (especially if it is in the early part of the relationship) and apologetic. What follows that are the showering of gifts and all the attention that the woman had yearned for. It gets to a time the victim only gets the attention and love when violence has ensued. And since our society has raised marriage above all, the woman is forced to stay in because she is in love with the idea of being in love and can not consider life without the ring on her finger. Nobody enjoys violence especially a woman. Circumstances have made some women endure the pain for the ‘glory of marriage’ or for her daily bread. Some just want to have peace at home. If a woman is going through such crisis, she needs to speak with a professional counselor or call at The Ark Foundation, where staff are trained to handle such cases and find amicable solution to such problems. Credit: Blessing Agboada:Advocacy Officer,The Ark Foundation Email: blessingagboada@yahoo.com