Happy birthday to you, Mr Solomon Lartey, MD of Activa Insurance. Boss, me too I want to buy a Mercedes Benz this year and see what is in it that medical doctors always want to drive oo. If I don’t buy one, I will borrow one from the Chairman of the Insurance Awareness Coordinating Group (IACG), Mr Wilson Tei and drive it for only 30 minutes for me to enjoy small. Me too I have to enjoy. Mr Tei demonstrates to me that a financially well planned retirement is a great joy one cannot quantify. Let’s plan your retirement well o and drive black sleek Mercedes like Mr Wilson Tei does with soft sweet music controlled from the dashboard in a cozy leather-based interior of his Mercedes! I hear say the machine dey biii waaaaa!

That only reminds me of the day I first went to the United States of America.

 I joined an entourage of some top Officials to visit USA. Ei! Country wey e nice like this! No wonder it is often braggingly referred to as ‘God’s own country’.

It was then that I asked Air Commodore Steve Otoro whether we have a long way to go as African countries. He whispered into my ears, “Mawuli, we have no way at all; let’s forget it”. I believed him. You know why? Let’s assume former USA President George Bush Jnr comes to Ghana now and decides to drive on the George Bush or N1 Highway named after him. From Tema, he gets to Dzorwulu junction and decides to buy plantain chips in a shop but fortunately or unfortunately before he gets to the nearest shop to buy, twenty street hawkers approach him in the traffic ‘yesssss, plantain chips!’ Will he be happy? From there he sees two mentally deranged persons under the Abofu overpass with loads of ‘belongings’ wrapped around their immediate abodes and nobody cares! Then he gets to Lapaz. He sees the metal barricades separating the two sides of the highway ripped off with people including women with babies strapped at their backs struggling to dangerously cross the road right under the overpass. He gets to Nii Boi junction and the trotro drivers have parked their vehicles recklessly in the midst of mango and cloth sellers creating chaos and confusion leading to traffic congestion. Will George Bush be happy?

He drives towards Nyamekye junction and the rail guards have been stolen or ran into by vehicles and nobody pays attention to them. Will he be happy?

It’s getting dark and he drives from Awoshie junction towards Mallam Junction and some of the street lights are off and the wires exposed and the mesh in between the two main stretches are exposed or removed with posters and banners from churches and herbal medicine people hanging as long vehicles that broke down yesterday are still in the outer lane with no triangle but plantain leaves to caution on coming vehicles! Ei!

Just seven years after this road was commissioned o…and several people died on the road bcos of reckless driving and general disregard for traffic regulations and we expect George Bush to be happy he has a highway named after him? hmmm! So do we have a long way to go or we have no way to go at all?

I am waiting for the day the western world would decide that we should swap – all Africans to the Western World and all Western World people to Africa. In less than 6 months, we would start queuing for visas to come to Africa for greener pastures. What is our problem han? Little wonder ‘they’ always insult us and we get unnecessarily and unjustifiably upset!

Anyway, like I was saying, in the White House was this beautiful lady whose legs I had admired aaaaahhhh till we left after dinner with the President. The lady was stunningly pretty with Krobo legs. You know in Ghana some of the women with some of the most beautiful legs are Krobos. I just admire God’s own creation through what moves men – legs (depending on the shapes and weight oo).

My handshake with Oprah Winfreyy was  just like the first time I had a handshake with His Majesty the Great Otumfuo. For one week, I didn’t want to wash my hand again bcos the joy of having touched this hand may disappear if I should wash my hand. Before I take my bath, I would wrap it in polythene bag to make sure I don’t wash away the special handshake. Even eating fufu had to be done by using spoons!

Out of excitement I couldn’t sleep that night. Meeting Oprah? Ei! She was lovely and we exchanged pleasantries and even condemned this ‘Useless Column’ for the confusion it creates in the minds of right thinking people like you and herself. I apologized and promised never to do so again. Eeeeeei! Hmmm.

Andre Dede Ayew, the Black Stars player with a lion’s heart and a heart determined to always succeed, Sava? Did you know that a typical Nigerian would not watch a match involving the Black Stars if Dede is not playing? 9 goals scored so far for Ghana in the AFCON.

Morgan, abeg, tomorrow’s match against Cameroun, whether you play or not, we must win o and meet our sub-Regional cousins, Nigeria in the grand finale and score them. We often disagree with them in many things but we are the best of friends, no be so? It’s akin to marriage; if you don’t disagree with your partner, then you are not married yet! E bi normal! Even if we lose every match and win against Naija, we will be fine. It’s the same way USA beat Ghana in the 2014 Mundial and were okay even though they failed to proceed to win the World Cup! Ghana was their target, finish!

Yes, at the dinner, I was delighted to learn from the President that he would be visiting Ghana in September and would like to taste my most revered borbitadi. Ei, I was beside myself. He would be visiting me soon in Ghana eeey eeey and I wont invite you eeey eeey!

After dinner we went to sleep somewhere I was told was a preserve for only the President’s special guests including me. Ei. Look at me too oo; Ayigbeman in American President’s house? Ha!

It is located in Ohio (I pronounced it the way it appears to the amusement of the host President) – ‘Oh-he-o’! Y3nbr33y3!

We went by air and then through some tunnel before getting into the bedroom full of nice things. America is fine oo. Ei! I saw the moon and wondered if it was the same we have in Ghana. The colour was purple! Yes oo, American moon colour be different!

I had a sleepless night thinking about what if I decide not to go back to Ghana, would they agree? It was a delight to see the beautiful lights overlooking the city in Ohio with lighting systems akin to a Christmas atmosphere in Accra and Kumasi!

I managed to sleep small for about an hour and woke up in the middle of the night. It was then I saw a lot of wassap messages from my Ghanaian bosses asking me about where I had placed the store room keys. Oh how?  Me, I dey America oo.

The following day a GTV camera man came to wake me up that the conference was about to take off so we should go. There was an Audi A5 waiting to convey us to the venue. Guess who was driving it – a university mate of mine!

That was the first time I met Kwami Seka Fayyyi chewing sugar cane at no other place but America in the presence of Bille Gates. Mr Gates was a very simple looking man with unnoticeable tribal marks on his face. I thought tribal marks were for only some Africans like myself.

I looked soo sheepish as a first timer in the States that even a villager from Africa could notice.

At the conference, in the biggest auditorium in the White House at New York City, the air-condition was so strong I dozed off for so long and deep that I forgot there was an on-going conference. That was when the USA President was responding to the Ghana President’s remarks.

While sleeping, I felt the coldness of something dripping in the form of water on my ribs. I jumped up only to see my small boy, Collins waking me up from a long slumber I was having after I had eaten too much fufu the previous night at a funeral in my holy village in the Volta Region – it was all a dream!