It’s Fladayyyyyyy February 8 and exactly one year ago when we lost Ebony! Hmmm! ‘Gbele mormli slow down, misiisi y3 miya’ aaaooo! Gbele mormli slow down, misiisi y3 miya’ Kw33333! Ebony’s music still reigns! There can never be a replacement for this gifted songstress.  I can still vividly remember that sad dawn of Friday 9^th February when JOY FM first broke the news.  Death is wicked o; even more treacherous is the carnage on our roads! May your sweet soul rest in perfect peace, ma Gal!

 ‘Kpa..kpa...kpa…kpakpakpakpa…kpaaaa’ were very loud ‘rounds of applause’ emanating from the nozzles of some rifles near Tetteh Korshi! ‘Hey catch am…catch am; he pass here…he pass there’; ‘cross am, he dey ron…catch am catch am…’ Oh! I was only reminded of my Beyla Boys Company (BBC) days in the bushes of Kisseman (now West Legon) in the 1980’s when chasing a rat in the bush was not a hobby but a matter of survival! When the rat passes here, you pass there.

But Massa, you too inasmuch as I sympathise with you, was it really true to add that you were ‘fired at with several rounds of ammunition’ and you are still alive? That can only be explained by cartoons and jujumen o; even cartoons die, sometimes especially with ‘such rounds of ammunitions’!

We all saw what happened which can be likened to a movie being videoed for production in an Amazon Forest by Michael Dudikoff! 

A simple by-election to replace one of Ghana’s finest lawmakers, Hon Agyako and everything scatter scatter like that? Ah! It was the first time I voted in a bye-election. Abeg, is the thing ‘by-election’ or ‘bye-election’? I am as confused as the confusion that rocked the election! You can even see the indelible ink on my small left finger as I walk with it with swag. You know why? Just to tell the world I am a constituent of, undoubtedly, the richest constituency in Ghana in terms of social class and brains! In fact, but for the fact that ‘every atom needs a nucleus’, the A.W.W Constituency does not even need an MP! West Legon, East Legon, Airport Residential Area, GIMPA, Kwame Nkrumah University of Ghana, Dzorwulu, Abelenkpe, head offices of most international oil giants, hotels, hospitals, State Agencies, etc are all here.

When I heard of the violence, I was scared initially to even dare go and vote; so were my friends and siblings on the Legon campus and West Legon areas. Before noon, a coitus interruptus was announced by the leadership of one of the parties! To my surprise, the Englbert polling station was very quiet! I cast my vote in less than 5 minutes and walked away.

What embarrassed me was when it turned out that no one had actually died though there have been some reported injuries and some unfortunate slaps which most of us saw and condemned. ‘You kill a man in his own house…in his own house? okay fine…’  became the sound bite of the event! I am still waiting for the funeral announcement of that man ‘killed in his own house’! In fact, it was bad and condemnable but truth be told - nobody died!

Now it came out clearly that the armed masked men were actually there on an instruction based on some intelligence they had picked and needed to follow through to unravel. Really? What I don’t understand is that, of all the days in the year, was there no other day to kick-start this operation by the masked men apart from that particular day?  

Only God can answer this one! Hmmm!

Anyway the reason I am here this morning is to greet you and also ask whether women also have erections and if so, when and how?

The by-election only reminded of the day Uncle Ganyaglo lost an election and subsequently an erection in 2016.

Our campaign started quite late. We held our last rally at the durbar grounds and struggled to get only a handful of akpeteshie and palmwine patrons who supported every ‘useless’ policy of ours even when they doubted us!

These were guys who were wearing the opponents’ party T-shirts not because they supported our opponents o, but because that was all they had. In our minds, we were going to take advantage to tell the people we could bring heaven down immediately so that they would vote for us and then we go our somewhere.

My prayer was that when my uncle wins, I will be made an MCE so that I will be awarding KVIP construction contracts. Money dey this business inside brutal!

All the candidates adopted the house-to-house campaign strategy. Many took advantage of public gatherings like funerals and weddings trying to convince people sometimes with soft drinks and things which my uncle and I couldn’t afford. I remember one such funerals and my Uncle promised them GHC5,000. Hmmm! Knowing him, all he had in his bank account was GHC350.00 and he was going about promising funeral ‘revellers’ GHC5,000 all in the name of political ‘man-for-look-sharp’! 

Tell the people you would be a servant-leader, I advised. As to whether they believed us or not, I don’t know o. All the innovative ideas came from me as his campaign manager. Knowing my uncle and his love for KVIPs (I still don’t understand why), I proposed that, we go and stand by the public toilets and serve the people. How? Anybody who came for ‘service’ was asked not to flash the ‘product’ after using the locally made WC. You see that village WC that is ‘depressed’ not the standing one. If you are wearing a tight jeans trousers, you will have a problem squatting for long especially if you have constipation. We would ask the toilet customers that after downloading ‘the thing’, they should not flash it; we would do it for them to show how much we cared. Buoy! There, you would see different colours and weights of the ‘droppings’! Look, when one village man downloads erh, chai, the size of a beer bottle may not match it especially if it is from a wee smoker! Kai! The stench was overbearing but how for do! After all, we were determined to do anything ‘to get them out of poverty’. Only God knew our true intentions.

We spent time on some guys campaigning for two hours, only to realize later that had their votes in Accra and would not vote there. Ei! Nothing annoyed me more than the kenkey and akpakalami we bought for them to eat for two weeks for free.

The people gave us hope oo but somehow, me I was sure my uncle was going to lose, no matter what!

Nursing mothers became our next targets as there were a lot of young teenage mothers in the constituency. We would fetch water to fill all their barrels. Changing baby diapers became my hobby just because ‘we cared’. If the babies were boy children, Ala! you’d curse your stars after the stench wasps across your nostrils!

‘Life’ the lotto writer in the area is still looking for us to finish us bcos of his GHC2,000 loan to us with the promise to give him a position at the district assembly if my uncle won..     

Our opponents doled out fried rice, GHC5 notes and soap. Uncle Ganyaglo gave only mangoes and salt. T-shirts koraa we couldn’t print. We were later accused of vote buying when it was detected that we were buying akpeteshie for the local boys. This one too? Ha! 

But Ganyaglo made a mistake. Just 4 months before the polls was when he asked me to join him in his political journey – he had done feasibility studies, he claimed, and was sure he would win the MP seat in the area because of his popularity. He sold his fish farm and three 207 benz buses. He had a forth one which he used as trotro to carry passengers he described as supporters.  The area is known to be a stronghold for the two big ‘boys’ over the years. Ganyaglo went INDEPENDENT with a chamber pot as his party symbol – a sign that people would go to toilet free!

Knowing he would lose by all means no matter what, I secretly voted for someone else. He was so happy until the results were declared. From the look of things, I suspected Ganyaglo voted against himself.

My support for him had actually aggravated his predicaments particularly after failing in his businesses. 

There he lies sound asleep! Ganyaglo had had to contend with 3 realities – losing his businesses, losing the election and ultimately losing the erection needed for marital ‘election’.

That brings me to my question: ‘If a man loses erection after losing an election, what then would a woman lose in a similar situation? Don’t be surprised they can also lose erection especially nowadays that they are matching us boot for boot!

What kind of erection do you think I am talking about, Madam Sarah Baptista Gebu and Madam Josephine Dossah, President of the Chartered Insurance Ladies Association of Ghana (CILAG)? Bud mind! Hahaaa!