One of the cruellest realities is that an unhealthy relationship often starts out feeling like the most wonderful romance of your entire life. In some cases, that’s thanks to love bombing: a pattern of manipulative, often subtle behaviours your partner performs as acts of love.

While these behaviours—like excessive attention and affection—may seem perfectly lovely and downright dreamy at first, they’re often used as a control tactic and can be an early sign of emotional abuse, one of many forms of domestic violence in certain situations.

Perhaps you (or one or more of your friends) have experienced this before: You click with someone so much that you feel euphoric, giggly, and alive. You want to be with them all the time, even if it means neglecting obligations like work or school.

They listen intently to your every word. They want to meet your family and friends, and although it seems too soon, you want to believe that you deserve something this good after so many crappy dates. Part of you feels overwhelmed—maybe even a little afraid—by just how into them you are. But you can’t seem to slow down.

Depending on whom you ask, the above scenario could describe love bombing or falling in love. Experts agree that there’s not always a simple way to sort out the differences between the two.

It can also be challenging to face the reality of an unhealthy relationship—it’s often really hard to back out or give up when you fall for the best version of someone only for them to turn on you. And it may be even harder to admit you were wrong—that they hurt you—after telling anyone who would listen how amazing they were.

It’s not always possible to avoid an emotionally manipulative or abusive situation, and abuse is never a victim’s or survivor’s fault. But understanding common signs of love bombing and what to do if a new relationship feels off may help you spot potentially problematic behaviour before you’re too emotionally invested.

What is love bombing and why is it so hard to see?

Love bombing is a pattern of intense and overblown interest and attention from one partner in order to manipulate the other. Often it’s hard to spot because “our culture, through TV, films, and fairy tales, tells us that the behaviour we know as love bombing is a normal expectation of romantic love,” Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, a Baltimore-based integrative trauma therapist who works with domestic violence survivors, tells SELF.

(Think of star-crossed lovers and speedy courtships in a slew of dramas and rom-coms, as well as the romanticization of relentlessly pursuing someone or employing extravagant gestures or gifts in order to win them over in “classic” movies like The Notebook and 10 Things I Hate About You.)

If you’re used to terrible dates [raises hand], a love bomber might also feel like a welcome break from emotionally unavailable jerks and ghosters. To train your eyes to see through the smokescreen, it’s essential to understand common patterns of abusive behaviour.

Love bombing is one of many moves abusers use to try to take away their partner’s sense of power, control, and strength as an individual, Elena Welsh, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of Trauma Survivors’ Strategies for Healing, tells SELF. For instance, they may coerce you into spending less time with others in order to isolate you, or pressure you to satisfy their wishes using charm, romantic surprises, or jealousy. (For example, “Can I join for girls’ night? The idea of guys hitting on you when I’m out of sight drives me crazy.”)

To make matters more complicated, in many cases, it takes time for an emotionally manipulative or abusive partner to show you who they really are. With that in mind, here are a few of the earliest signs of love bombing to look out for:

1. They’re intense communicators.

It’s normal to have a steady flow of communication when you’re super into someone new. But if they overwhelm you with texts, calls, DMs, and likes, these could be signs of tech-based love bombing, Ashley Bendiksen, a survivor and abuse prevention educator, tells SELF.

Pay attention to check-ins: Do they bug you at inappropriate times like when you’re at work or out with friends? Do they need to know what you’re doing at every moment? Do you feel self-conscious about gooey or intense comments on just about everything you post on social media?

In other words, think about how your partner’s communication style makes you feel. Signals something’s off include a surprisingly aggressive or edgy tone, as well as obsessive or overblown jealousy that makes you feel anxious when you spend time with others.

When you’re out with friends and text “Talk later!,” for example, “most partners in healthy relationships will respond with something like, ‘Okay, baby. Have fun and be safe,’ rather than strongly suggesting—or demanding—that you stay home, or leaving you feeling so guilty that you can no longer have fun,” Lena Suarez-Angelino, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and empowerment coach in New Jersey, tells SELF.

If your partner feels insulted when you have fun without them or implies that you’re disrespecting them if you don’t constantly check in, these are red flags that they could be trying to take away your freedom and isolate you through controlling behaviours, Kimberly Perlin, LCSW-C, a trauma-trained licensed clinical social worker in Maryland, tells SELF.

2. Their gifts are extra.

Thoughtful surprises, sweet notes, and candlelit dinners are all typical ways to woo someone you’re into. But lavish gifts like a dozen roses delivered to your workplace, expensive jewellery, international getaways, or even financial aid—especially when the relationship is in its infancy, maybe even after your first date—can be an early sign of abusive tendencies.

Gift-giving that’s uncomfortably over-the-top could indicate that they’re trying to manipulate you by building up feelings of love and trust quickly to lower your inhibitions, or that they are using the gesture to create a sense of obligation.

Case in point: “I’ve seen many clients with love interests who try to revamp their look by buying them new clothes and/or cosmetics,” Perlin says. “Quickly, those gifts become expectations—they’re quizzed about why they’re choosing outfits or makeup that their partner did not choose.”

“If you’re less financially secure, a partner might lean into this as well—by helping pay your rent, say, or covering auto repairs,” Bendiksen says. If the relationship is brand new, she says these money moves could be an early sign that someone is trying to make you financially dependent on them. Research suggests many domestic violence survivors experience economic abuse, a set of tactics used to sabotage a partner’s financial independence.

“Do you have to go to work? Let’s get away for a long weekend!” might sound sweet—and maybe you do need a break. But if a sudden trip or a series of surprises means you’re neglecting work or school, your partner may be trying to diminish your ability to fend for yourself and increase your reliance on them.

3. They put you on a pedestal—and then mistreat you.

Gush fests about a new love are to be expected. However, grandiose, overly indulgent compliments like, “You’re all I’ve ever wanted” or “No one can ever compare to you,” could serve as signs of manipulation—especially if it’s only been a few weeks or you don’t spend much time communicating beyond waves of excessive praise.

“Rather than simply learning about each other and building an ongoing connection, comments like this quicken a sense of commitment,” Bendiksen says. In healthy relationships, you shouldn’t feel anxious or pressured to fulfil a role you know doesn’t make sense (at least not yet). It takes time to get to know someone and determine whether you’re a good fit.

Again, it’s kind of hard to tell what’s genuine and what’s sketchy here. “Sometimes people are well-intentioned and just very expressive in their affection, or maybe they have codependent tendencies, which drive them to want to spend ample amounts of time with a new love interest,” Dr. Welsh says.

However, in these scenarios, you likely won’t see a partner’s excessive attention or affection suddenly shift to anger, possessive or controlling tendencies, or violence, according to Dr. Welsh. “Although there may be a slight change in behaviour as the ‘honeymoon phase’ ends, it will not be as dramatic as the abrupt change that typically follows love bombing,” she adds.

Again, a partner guilt-tripping you for spending time with other people, or getting angry or violent when you won’t do what they want are examples of this extreme psychological switch—look out for any sudden negative mood swings that make you feel responsible for their actions

4. They’re excessively needy and don’t respect your boundaries.

At first a partner who wants to be with you 24/7 can be flattering and, often, you both want to spend loads of time together. With love bombing, though, “it feels smothering,” Bendiksen says. They may get upset or give you the silent treatment if you want alone time or make plans to see friends or family without them.

You might find yourself feeling obligated to include them or neglecting your favourite hobbies, all the while becoming increasingly isolated on an island for two. Breaking boundaries is yet another strategy abusers use to pull you deeper into their world.

“If you start with clearly communicating a desire or boundary (‘I want to wait to have sex’) and it’s ignored, even subtly (‘You’re so beautiful I can’t help myself!’), that’s a sign that high levels of affection or attention may be love bombing,” Dr. Welsh says.

Other warning signs that someone’s trying to take away your autonomy include sudden changes in behaviour when you ask for more space, like a partner who becomes “withdrawn, angry, territorial, controlling, threatening, or violent” after you communicate that boundary, Reagan adds.

5. Your bond seems bizarrely intense.

Vulnerable, candid conversations help build a strong relationship, but this intimate “bonding” is often notably more intense in the case of love bombing. “Healthy sharing will help you bond as a couple,” Bendiksen says. “But a person who love bombs makes it feel like this sharing binds you.”

Weeks in, for example, they may say they’ve never felt so understood, that you’re “the one” or their “soulmate.” With this setup, “feelings of love and trust are built so quickly that they may lower a person’s walls and inhibitions,” Bendiksen explains. “Then, when the love bomber exhibits disturbing behaviour, it’s such a departure from the person you first met that you wonder if you did something wrong, or you justify the behaviour as a onetime incident.”

What’s more: This initial starry-eyed phase of a relationship can prime you to latch onto an idealized version of your partner and later put up with their “bad side” in order to keep the good. Many survivors get trapped because they blame themselves for their partners’ actions or feel the need to help them due to such an immense attachment forged early on, Bendiksen says.

6. Your relationship feels like it’s on fast forward.

Meaning: One moment you were newly dating, the next you’re moving in together, engaged, talking kids. “In abusive relationships, there is often a brief, intense courtship period followed by a desire to quickly formalize and deepen the commitment,” Reagan says.

“If the person seems to be madly in love with you days or weeks after you meet for the first time, or if you find yourself wondering how they could possibly feel so strongly about you when they don’t know you very well, that’s a red flag.” Again, this is about the love bomber trying to swoop in and take over your life.

Receiving comments like “This seems to be moving really fast” from friends or family? Instead of getting defensive, try to take the opportunity to ask questions about their concerns, Reagan suggests. Get input from multiple people in your support system, listen carefully to what they have to say, and then reflect on how you feel about the pace or nature of your relationship. If your partner’s truly interested in building a relationship, they’ll readily accept a request to slow down—even if that takes some adjustment for both of you.

What to do if you’re feeling iffy about a new relationship

“These manipulative patterns can be very subtle, and I don’t suggest being suspicious of someone’s kind behaviour or assuming the worst intentions, but when something feels off, trust your gut,” Reagan says. If you suspect you’re being love-bombed, you don’t necessarily need to end the relationship immediately. But you should slow down and reassess your situation, according to the experts we talked to. Here are some ways to do that:

Create space.

“Commit to taking some time apart, even if it is a portion of your day,” Dr. Welsh recommends. Visit a friend you haven’t seen in a long time, take a weekend trip to see family, or schedule time for a beloved hobby or self-care activity—what you do doesn’t matter; what matters is that you give yourself an opportunity to get a break from the relationship in order to check in with yourself and your values, Suarez-Angelino says.

If your partner reacts with drama that re-centres them—by stonewalling you, sulking, or blowing up your phone—that’s a sign they don’t respect your needs and are trying to control you.

Take a personal inventory.

Write out what your life looks like now versus what it looked like before your relationship, Dr. Welsh suggests: What’s changed in terms of how you spend your time? Who are you still in touch with (or not)? “Then, go through each difference and identify whether it’s a change you want or an adjustment based on your partner’s desires,” Dr. Welsh says. If you find you’ve lost touch with people you cared about before the relationship, this could be a sign that your partner is trying to isolate you.

Talk to an objective outsider.

If you’re feeling protective of your relationship or don’t want to sound a false alarm, consider connecting with someone who isn’t a close friend or family member, Reagan says. For instance, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224, text START to 88788, or open a chat online (contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to be in a crisis situation to reach out—and if you’re worried about a loved one, you’re also welcome to contact the hotline for advice on how to approach the issue).

Love bombing can be a highly confusing and disconcerting experience. Having a confidential chat with a trained advocate can help you determine whether you’re dealing with abuse or an otherwise unhealthy relationship.

They’ll make sure you’re in a safe place to talk, ask you about what you’re doing to take care of yourself (important for anyone!), and then ask questions about your situation to help you brainstorm next steps, like connecting with a trauma-trained therapist or counsellor (if you’re not already working with one), learning how to assert your boundaries and resolve conflicts, or—if need be—making a plan to get out of the relationship safely.

Get a free relationship check-up.

To see if your relationship checks off the right boxes, take the NDVH’s “Is Your Relationship Healthy?” quiz. “This can be very helpful if you’re hesitant to identify your relationship as being abusive,” Reagan says. Consider it a self-test that can help you figure out whether your discomfort and suspicions may be correct.

Ultimately, the difference between love bombing and true love comes down to whether your relationship is equal or one-sided: “Love bombing supports only the abusive partner,” Bendiksen says. Healthy love, on the other hand, is balanced, mutual, and built on a foundation of trust and respect.