So what at all is government white paper? I have heard people using the term but honestly I don’t know what it is o; I only pretend I know what it is. Is not A4 sheets?

There is nothing as annoying as being on the same whatsapp platform with someone and the person side bars you and asks: ‘what’s happening on the platform? Please update me!’ Some people don’t read things on group platforms kraa o. Adwoa Bernice, my ‘useless friend’ is number 1. A.J Baby, what is up? Hahaaaa! 

This thing has happened to me again oo. Hmmm! You live in an area where you wish to get close to someone but the opportunity never presented itself for you to talk to that person. Then one day, just when you are about driving out, you see this nice Chic standing by the road side looking for taxi. You see this as a fine opportunity to offer her lift even if it means going beyond your own destination to drop her as I often do. Don’t insult me o; that has been my hobby till I heard someone offered a stranger lift and the stranger died in his car. Be warned! You are not the only good Samaritan in the world. Mr Nice Man, you would put yourself into trouble by giving strangers lift o because should anything bad happen to the person in your car, some young constable will first of all push you inside and start asking you questions you cannot answer albeit your good intentions.

‘Is he or she your relation?’ ‘where do you know him or her from?’ ‘Are you a commercial driver?’ If you cannot answer any of these questions, please be careful how you offer strangers lift bcos you may regret it.

Ehern, as I was saying, just when you pick her up, your car engine suddenly goes off due to low battery and the car refuses to start. You keep sparking your car and it refuses and you get blisters all over your right thumb. She gets down almost immediately to join the next available private car. How is that the business of that private car owner? Who send am sef? Don’t worry about the car ‘sparking’; that is how we say it in Ghana instead of ‘car starting’. It’s in our blood; the car ‘sparks’ not ‘starts’.

As soon as she enters that other car, your car starts but the girl is gone. Hehehehehe! Evil mind go kill us, men. Hmmm!

The last time I lost concentration while looking at ‘something thick in skirt’ and still driving slowly; a car from the other lane just came to fill in the space in front of me. That thing can be painful er as if the road belongs to me.

Remember ‘The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but the words of the poor are pleasant. He who is greedy for gain troubles his own house, but he who hates bribes will live….’ I don’t remember which part of the Bible this can be found but it is there! Remember ‘Sin Fascinates and Assassinates’.

I just want to ask o, is anybody really dancing to the ‘Anti-Corruption’ song? It is just a question, maybe rhetorical! I sent a small boy to buy me fufu and before he got back, he had drunk half the soup on the fufu before bringing it to me la! Hmmm!

Abeg, if this is the first time you are reading this ‘Useless Column’ and getting confused, then I have achieved my objective – to scatter your mind with abstract things. So much non-fa! Keep stopping to read o, my brother. Go and read other important things on this forum and stop harassing yourself by reading this.

Why is it that when you want to buy a ‘Ghana used-car’ from someone, he would tell you: ‘this car, even though registered in 2012 was used by a woman? Often the woman is either a nurse or a banker. Don’t female nurses and bankers use the same roads the men drive on? Or the fact that women are generally more careful with vehicle use? There is an Efua I know, buy her car registered in 2020 now and you would regret for the rest of your life. Reckless driving is her hobby. You people should stop that o. A ‘Ghana-used car’ is an alatsa car whether used by a woman or a man.

I just bought a car registered in 2015 and said to be driven by a woman who works at the seminary! I see! All were lies because the things I later saw under the carpet er, all things being equal, that car was used by a very baaaad man!

It doesn’t really make any marked difference whether it is a man who drove it or not o. Sell your car at a forced-sale value when you are broke and stop that ‘useless’ car selling trick that it was a woman who used it. For the where? You these car sellers, you go kill person o. You have no idea that some of the many accident cars you see around resulted from ‘my wife’s driving’. So what’s the big deal about ‘it was a woman who used it’? ah!  One such middleman who is used to telling people that ‘this vehicle was used by a nurse’ found himself in an embarrassing situation recently. He was called by a prospective buyer that he was selling his vehicle. He started marketing the vehicle without having seen it yet. And as to be expected, ‘I called out of curiosity and he said it is a very good car used by a woman nurse at Korle Bu’. Upon inspection at Kwabenya, it turned out that the vehicle in question was an excavator!

Come to think of it, why do we call imported used cars ‘home-use’? Car dealers will tell you it’s because it is coming from ‘home’. Really? So now Europe and America are your home? Be there and call Ghana, ‘abroad’ while you are ‘home’. For me, ideally, ‘Home-use’ should be a more appropriate word to describe vehicles used in Ghana because this is our home or? I know some of you are already insulting me in your heads ooo bcos of my ‘useless’ wisdom! Hahaaa!

I wish to call on the FDA to check on those medications believed are used in growing beard and hair on ‘motorways’ and ‘asphalts heads o’. I bought one recently with the view to be scaring my wife small small…and the effects? Hmmmm!

It is one of the reasons I have stopped growing beard. But the main reason was that one of those girls I had been pursuing on a nearby  campus saw me and screamed ‘ei Mawuli Abotsi’! Me, Abotsi? You see those men from only God knows where with long beards who sell some funny perfumes, two-yards pieces of cloth, wrist watches, compact discs and stuff like that? Are they not the guys we call ‘Abotsi’. All of them have one name ‘Abotsi’ to which they would respond. I later got to know ‘Abotsi’ means ‘friend’ in Hausa but anytime I hear the word being used, I associate it with men with long pointed beards selling perfumes! Prof. Qofi Abotsi, I greet you oo. I put it to you that you sef, you have no beard and you allowed that young university girl to call me  ‘Abotsi’ for wearing beard. What is my offence? Hahaaaa!

Those were the days my stomach was not even in existence; the bones and ribs represented my stomach. Surprisingly now my stomach is now like a medium size akpeteshie drom! My mother was full of praise for my wife for being the best wife ever. Guess what: the praises were in respect of her taking good care of me because of my pot belly. That is what has given me the feeling that if you have been married for at least 2 years and you don’t have a pot belly, two things: it is either your wife is stressing you or you are stressing her to stress you. Treat her well and you would see the magic in developing a pot belly. A pot belly also gives you access to loans with ease bcos the banks see you as a well-to-do man and therefore loan repayment risk factor is low because they see a pot belly as a collateral. Come on, develop some pot belly and let’s fall sick small, together. Should that happen, we would spend more money to treat ourselves and that money would be used to develop the pharmaceutical sector at the expense of our families and our children’s education. Let’s keep eating late at night and we should not exercise at all; it is ‘very good’ for us but as to whether it is good for our families or not, I don’t know oo. Let’s go on la, no problem. Eat anything, meat with a lot of fat and 4 eggs put together and fry them and eat nyafunyafu. God forgive you if you don’t see the sarcasm in this advice.

Enjoy the long weekend as I go to Ranzie Gardens at Ashale Botwe Baba Yara Junction on Monday the holiday  to chew rabbit meat barbecue. If you want to go and hide with your side Chic just to chew and drink something, call me for directions. I say go there and eat rabbit meat with her o, not ‘eat’ her thereafter o. I know some of you!