If you go to toilet 3 times a day, chances are that you have issues with carbohydrates. You need to be delivered from the spirit of too much banku and starchy food! ‘Give me fufu 6 cedis, fish 1 cedi’ or kenkey 3 cedis and add only pepper’! What is that?

For me, I eat a lot of leaves and fruits these days. Every day kenkey, banku morning, afternoon evening! My friend, why? Na you bring poverty com the world inside? Abeg, enjoy leaves small and exercise well well like the Late Zimbabwean ex-President Robert Mugabe did until his ‘untimely’ death this morning! May his young soul rest well well! 

Have you noticed that most big men and big women in society hardly misplace their mobile phones? You see the irony of life?  Those who can afford it are more careful than many of the rest of us. Don’t think about it; just misplace your phones, it is good.

Just be reckless with your phones and all the videos and images of yourself and other eyi would be out there on social media soon. 

Apart from that please delete those ‘useless’ videos and images from your phone o. I am warning you again before your children ‘jailbreak’ into your pictures gallery. You may think you are being smart and that they don’t know your password but you lie bad; they have been observing you. 

But that may not even be as worrying as this terrible experience I had last month after we paid a visit to my mother-in-law. She invited us over to her house for birthday lunch after church with members of her Women Fellowship group. Ehern, that fellowship kraa, sorry to ask o, what lessons at all do some of our young wives learn from there?

Just asking o; maybe our young wives simply don’t take their seniors’ advices in marriages seriously. But I have observed from afar too that the elderly ones discuss a lot of useful lessons with our young wives like how to carry their husbands at their backs like babies and pamper them o.

But do they? But I heard there is a social media platform called ‘Tell it something something’ and many of our young wives take ‘bud’ advice from there ignoring the advice from their older folks during women fellowships! Ei! Asem oo! Hmmm!

If you have a young wife who goes for a Women’s Fellowship meeting, comes back and walks past you and enters the room and does not greet you because you are annoying her JUST bcos of what she saw on your phone the previous night when you were asleep, you will understand what I am saying! Ajeeeeiii! 

Yes yes, yes! Like I was saying we entered my mum-in-law’s living room and there were about 6 of such women seated. PCG took the lights off and the sun was at its highest temperature burn. Room was somehow quiet, apart from the normal women’s ‘parliamentary conversations’ in respect of ‘that woman in the fellowship who liked eating too much meat and bcos of that she suffered a mild stroke and her husband left her as a result’!

Upon entering the living room, I was playing the Gospel video of ‘Nara’ on my phone. She loved the song which put her so much in the spirit that she requested to have my phone to enable her watch and sing along small. I didn’t hesitate at all in giving the phone to my mother-in-law o.  

She increased the volume. After that song, she swiped to the next video and it was a song by our own Sony Bado; glory be to God! That was another beautiful track which the women sang along in a hearty mood! After that, Asew Kornorfo, won’t you just stop there?

She swiped again and oh Jesus! The phone fell! You see those videos we refuse to delete from our phones bcos they give us, men some feelings, ehern, that one some - abonsam cartoons! Ala! At this point I ran to her in order to quickly change to another ‘reasonable’ video to avoid an eminent embarrassment and hey!

Trust Chiana phones, the volume refused to come down and in further attempts, the next video popped up and was ‘foon-kay’ - worse! As fate would have it, the volume still refused to be lowered as the moans and groans increased in decibels!

You can imagine the big embarrassment I caused everybody especially when one of the women remarked: ‘as for this one, it is bad omen’!

I should have learnt two things: one is how to be deleting those things bcos they encourage multiple evil deeds. The other was to have learnt from my friend who named the folder in which he saves those useless videos on his phone as ‘SOLJA BAR’ and categorised the videos and saved them in a folder identifiable by only a sinful mind! Sin sweet o and it can kill too! HIV / AIDS is real o, yooo!

God should continue to forgive us all our sins o, or else by now…. He would have made most of us men blind so we stop watching those things that serve as catalysts to go to movie houses to watch ‘Jesus film’. Hope you remember how I once caught a former pastor of mine in a movie house. He was coming to the movie house with a lady with big eyi and we bumped into each other!

“Halleluya”! I greeted him to make sure he sees that I have seen him, he didn’t mind me sef! I knew the two of them were coming to watch ‘Jesus film’ in a private ‘locku-door’ small room. As they entered the movie house, the gateman covered his car with a tarpaulin. Since then, he has stopped bothering me with ‘why didn’t you come to church last week’?

I have stopped going to that church sef not bcos of anything but bcos of offertory! We pay offering 6 times per service. What is that! Haaba! Ei, I heard the amount of offering you give in church is your investment towards your heaven SSNITT contributions o; the bigger, the better, the smaller it is, you are on your own! However, heaven may be empty o, you wait and see.

Too many sinful people and you can’t tell who is wearing a ‘screen saver’ even me. As for me, it looks like I know where I am going already so no sweat! Ajeeeei!  

I just met one of the two photographers who we had hired to cover our wedding some years back. I hired two bcos of an experience I had had before. Lo and behold, the id**t I met yesterday nearly marred the memories we had intended to keep for life.

When he printed the pictures er, hmmm. He captured either only one leg, a part of the upper arms, ears, half face, stomach to waist, torso, top of the head without the eyes and in fact he ‘tore us into pieces’ pasaaa. 

As for the pictures taken at the reception? OMG! Those he printed only showed fanta bottles and ‘counters’ as well as the legs of broken tables and chairs. If you see the images of the guests, Lord God have mercy! And this was a guy I was told had been a camera man for two decades so I didn’t think it could be a sabotage either but I have learnt in life that ‘things do happen’ so have a plan B like insuring your life and properties! 

Thankfully he didn’t come back to demand payment for his useless services. Trust me, when I sarcastically asked him how much he would charge us for those ‘abstracts’, he said: ‘oh the pictures are for free’. Saadziwa! But he was brave enough to have been able to present those pictures to me and I thought he was going to be brave enough to ask us to put the pieces of the pictures together; we would have ended up at the police station because he would have had the beatings of his life. 

The good news was that the second photographer’s pictures came out so well. He was as good as H.E Mugabe’s cameraman! That’s the reason it is always good to have a back-up plan oo, or?

Anyway, happy birthday to you, my Sister Mrs Esther Hill. This woman er, she refuses to grow old and always doing ‘guy guy’. We are the best of friends o, yet we fight a lot. We would fight during meetings and the next moment, you see us eating eworkple and adem3 soup together. On official matters, professional tempers could go so high between the two of us and it is as if we won’t talk to each other again. The next moment you see us laughing together. How beautiful the world would be if we all disagree to agree and life goes on! 

That’s why I find it unfortunate the recent xenophobic attacks on some Africans by some Africans. Madam, continue to enjoy your birthday wai. Keep being that good friend, sister, and great confidante that you’ve always been.

Don’t forget to maintain that clean heart which has no space for grudges. That is the reason you hardly fall sick apart from occasional catarrh and flu which you often infect me with when we are sitting next to each other during official meetings. Madam Hill can sneeze o, Alla! hey tien…and then she would smile! Keep sneezing wai, Madam, don’t stop but don’t come near me again! Hahahahahaaaa!