I have a problem with those who would decide not to call me on weekends to greet me but would prefer to do so on Monday mornings when the heat of work is on me.

Anyway, I thank God for the Korku Ananse wisdom He has bestowed on me. Thankfully, when they call nowadays, I only pick the call and whisper: ‘please I am in a zoom meeting; I will call you back’. Case close!

Zoom meeting is perhaps one of the positives of COVID 19. It gives you the opportunity to lie about a non-existing zoom meeting and everyone will bear with you. No grudge! So so zoom zoom I keep zooming! Matter close!

Has anybody ever seen a snake on a mango tree before? It just occurred to me o, as to whether mango trees are anti-snake or not, scientists must research into it.

This is because upon all my gbevu (truant) life, I’ve never seen or come face to face with a snake on a mango tree. Is it because of the ‘gbeze’, those small small red ants that bite hard when you want to pluck the mangoes from them?

That is the reason the thieves I fear most are those who go to steal at police stations. Of all the places to steal from, they don’t know of any other place to go to but police stations. Ei, Bra thief, why? Hmmm!

‘Daddy, my dress is nice’, says my 2-year old child and I responded ‘Awww…it’s beautiful; who bought it for you?’ ‘Mummy’, she would respond. Of course Mummy buys everything in that house including school fees!

So I went out with them just before the last Mothers’ day something something in May this year. I bought them some pairs of shoes at the time their mum was not even present o.

Just after stepping out of the mall, I remarked “ei, you girls, your shoes are nice o’; who bought them for you?” Guess their response: ‘Mummy’! Really? You see why Fathers’ Day is so so insignificant in the scheme of things?

Fathers can pay all the school fees in the world through their wives yet everything is by Mummy! We too we are not that irresponsible o, Children. Next time ask your mothers where they get the money from to buy just ‘everything’ for you.

Sometimes we can’t blame them. I have never stepped in my kids’ school to pay fees; it is the woman who I give the money to go and pay. I don’t have time and when the kids see their mum paying the fees, you think they would say it’s me? I must be a joker!

But is it not important for mothers to really tell their children how much their fathers contribute to their lives through them? Just asking o; please stop insulting me in your heads, Ablavi! I still blame it on us, fathers!

Meanwhile, some of us have attended PTA meetings for ladies who are not even our own children. I once went to represent the father of a side chic at a University PTA meeting. Only God saved me o, or else…

When I was young, my Dad was compelled to attend PTA meetings not because of the love he had for me but because of the lashes I stood ‘to gain’ if he, my Dad defaulted! No be so for all of you?

The last PTA meeting I attended was neither for my daughter nor a niece. It was one of those 23-year old girls I have as a friend ‘in need’. I was introduced as the father of the girl…Reluctantly, I accepted that role and even wore boubou sheepishly to the school’s assembly auditorium where the meeting took place.

Prior to that, I had already attended yet another one where I was introduced as an Uncle. Hmmmm! This ‘thing’ will kill us men oo but we won’t die.

As soon as I got introduced as the uncle of this girl, the unimagineable happened. I saw my father-in-law’s brother taking his seat. Moments later he was also introduced as the father of a girl I never saw as a sibling of my wife. Ooooh men oo, men, why?

The scenario was akin to buying a fake product with fake counterfeit money! He kept quiet; I kept quiet too! Both of us minding our own business! Lips zipped! Mmmm!

I was just thinking that if the vaccine for the virus is the urine of married men who have never cheated on their wives, then…I don’t know where we can have supplies from!

Every married man apart from me, sometimes, has been cheating by jumping the traffic lights in the night when the Policemen are not around. Why do you have to that? Do you know you can cause an accident? That’s cheating. Me I have told you to be careful not to cheat o, yoo.

Those days that I used to live in a single room with a zingli roof, anytime I want to do the thing with my wife after jumping the green traffic lights, I prefer it when it’s raining. Kw33333! While in the act, that is when you feel like people are clapping for you giving you fans! Hahahahahaha!

Marriage is sweeter in a house with zingli roof! I said marriage o, not the other illegal apprenticeship that some of us, sorry, I mean some people have been doing. That one is stressful, time consuming and expensive! Don’t do it; it is a sin!

Ahaan! That girl whose PTA meeting I had attended shocked me with what I saw on her phone last Saturday o. I was in her hostel to greet her and her phone was by me.

I decided to dial to see how she had saved my name. She saved my name as ‘Saturday Monkey’ just because I look like one and would often sneak out on Saturdays in the name of funerals to attend her PTA meetings and non-existent weddings and funerals.

Sadly for her, anytime I visited, I bought her 5 fingers of bananas since I am told its potassium nutritional value is good for blood circulation. So I got a name I didn’t know from my kind gesture. Meanwhile, she calls me ‘Honey’ when she needs mommo! Ei!

Don’t ever think these ‘available girls’ have respect for us o. if in doubt just ask them how they saved your name on their phones and you would regret knowing what exactly you look like.

After confronting her, she pleaded for clemency and as st*p*d as I am, I accepted her back for the distins. Later, she edited my name and changed it into ‘My Daddy’s Dada’. Na me born you? Alla! God we pray against any temptation that keeps coming our way and going and coming o. We still go back and suffer the pains and still go back after crying for a while.  

Anyway, me and her, we have stopped sef. Weytin concern me with PTA meetings again when my children’s PTA meetings sef, I never attended. No bi Monkey the girls go take call me?’ I agree! Men? Hmmm!

The thing sweet and it hurts but we would still go again! That is why I saw somewhere on social media that it was rather snake that was going his somewhere and Eve called her to ask: ‘Bra Snake, anything for the girls?’! It’s a lie o; the girls are their somewhere and we go pursuing them and invite ‘problems’ for ourselves! Our ‘Achilles heels’ keep giving us problems but stilllll….we will go again!

If you are lucky the thing no go ‘lock’ or give you dreaded disease, then you think you are hero. Be there! Hmmm!

You remember the mango tree and the snake I talked about? When we climbed and got bitten by the red ants, we would fall, cry small and climb again all because of ‘ripe mangoes’. We have managed to carry such attitude into our adulthood and it’s not good koraaa and we know but will still go there anyway!

Samson, after a certain age if you are still having such unnecessary desire to go out, just remember ‘growing old is mandatory; growing up is a choice’. Choose one and you would live long to see your children complete university’ before you exit this world! No bi so?

You are expecting another holiday abi? Wait till Farmers Day in December tonnnnnnnnn! Lazy boy, Korkuvi Agbemabiesey!

Those of you getting married tomorrow, remember, you are entering the business of ‘OFFENCES’ and the business strategy to succeed is FORGIVENESS or else, call it off! Tataaaa!

The Writer, Mawuli Zogbenu, is an Insurance Practitioner, Communicator and the Weekly Author of the INSURANCE BAKERY Column in the Graphic Business Newspaper. He is also the weekly Author of the humorous page ‘USELESS COLUMN’ published in the Business & Financial Times newspaper and on myjoyonline.com.