If you are a married man and you have never been caught cheating on your wife by your wife, please know that there is likely to be a problem somewhere.

Allow yourself to be caught and then deny, I repeat, deny it o, yoo. She will believe whatever you say! Don’t admit it even when caught inside the net red-handed!

You want to be the only honest person in the ‘open-secret’ business at the faculty of womanizing? How? Me sef I just lost guard again and she found ‘a pack of special rubber’ under my car spare tyre compartment inside the booth and up till now, she has not said anything.

I keep praying that she would confront me, so I can have the opportunity to lie and be free but still! Hmmm!

Wait oo. Thoughts of Berekisu just hit my forehead. This girl used to sell mobile phone credit. I like seeing what she has in front of her that I could buy credit up to GHC100 in a day.

Because I liked seeing more of her, I’d go and buy credit even if I didn’t need it, recharge and then go back. I used to buy water from this same house of Berikisu.

I filled every container in my house including those of my landlady! One day, I was going to buy credit again and it was a man – Berikisu’s father who responded to the knock on the gate.

I lied to him I wanted to buy ‘akonfem’ knowing they don’t sell that. Her father gave me a long direction as to where I could get akonfem oblivious of the fact that, what I wanted was Berikisu and not credit or akonfem. ‘Berikisu left last night for the Philipines to read ICT’, was what I heard her father telling somebody on phone. My dreams of ‘edwaman foon foon’ were dashed at this point. Aaaaoooo!

I was not surprised Berikisu got admission to read ICT in the Philipines because she was a very good athlete as well and used to win a lot of inter-schools competitions sometimes called ‘Super Zonals’.

Inter schools don come pass oo and I used to run very fast in athletic competitions too. “Zogbenu oo, Zogbenu…” as the crowd from Anunmle chanted knowing the latest kid on the block was going to win the 100 meter race at Kotobaabi aka Agbavana 1-55.

This school is an all-inclusive cluster of schools popularly referred to as the Headquarters of all Cytos (public basic schools) in Ghana.

“Don’t go because somebody would use ‘tsakatsu’ or ‘tukpe’ to kill you if you won a race”, my old lady would caution.

Cyto sweet pass Montessori oo. When our friends in Montessori, are singing ‘black black…black sheep, have you any wool…’ in a very organized fashion, we in Cyto at Lagos Town and Akoto Lante will go like ‘Laaapita lor pita lor pita lorr…‘Laaapita lor pita lor pita lorr … Pita Zamraman na Zamramana.. Mamprobi alorrr!’ Alorrr….’ amidst drumming and dancing in no particular order with a lot of chaos and confusion! Ooh! Hmmm! Poverty can kill!

All the schools in the Ayawaso and Okaikwei districts converged at Agbavana 1-55 annually to partake in the inter-schools competition.

The dry gravelled park was the most preferred even though Anunmle, Alogboshie (that hidden town behind Guiinees Ghana, Achimota) and Akweteyman schools had green parks but we’ve got to respect the Headquarters – Agbavana!

I had just returned from the British School of Lome. For some inexplicable reasons, everybody thought the guys who sojourned in Lome for a while played better football or had some of the ‘wildest’ football skills that could make Lionel Messi a division 3 player!

But I lied to them that I was always first in the 100 meter race at my British School of Lome after spending only two terms there. My only fight with the tutors at the time was that I kept asking them what a British School was doing in Lome.

Me and the problems I brought home to everybody including myself... hmmm. I was sacked from that school but I never told my peers at Anunmle my ‘predicaments’ oo; I told them I was on transfer as we were in the transfer window. Period!

Anunmle PE Tutors, Mr Ben Tetteh and our Ga Teacher Awula Neequaye (not too sure if she is still on this earth) gave me a chance with the level of confidence they had in me, and for that matter never even tried me in some ‘mock race’ prior to the Super Zonals to see if I was up to the task.

They just sent me straight to Kotobaabi to go and run. Ei, deep in my heart, I knew I was going to disappoint these people but vim tins…hahahaha.

Oh yes, indeed it was. ‘Anumaaa… gesidi…ready…pi…go’. Hei, I was in my second gear in the first lane. The ‘Zogbenu’ cheers and choruses were deafening. The drums were under pressure from the drummers and cheer leaders. The devil is a liar; I soldiered on and told myself but the energy was simply not there.

I was trailing and last but one upon reaching the endpoint of the race. The good news was that Bismark of Apenkwa Basic School was also in the race; in fact, he was the one who ‘motivated’ me to go into this race knowing at least I had somebody to beat.

Dude was fat and huge and I knew he would be last. I managed to finish the race though but never returned to ‘the dressing room’.

I just identified some corner road and continued my race there straight to the house even though I I could the cheers or rather jeers of ‘Zogbenu oo, Zogbenu’. Kai! Me? Run again? Anunmle must be joking! Weytin concern me with 100 meter race again? I went home to go and rest!

Greetings oo, Ing. Benjamin Ahuno of Griddco. How are you doing, Bro? Ahaaan, what does the title ‘Ing’ stand for? I don’t know o but it’s likely to be the short form of ‘Engineer’. I am not sure oo, yoo!

Ei, so is it true that I will definitely die in 2080? Thoughts of death scare me oo especially as I am growing old without any visionable vision. I have only about 184 months to retire and guess what?

I just realized that even if I am paid an average of GHC20,000 per month for the next 184 months, I would still not be a dollar millionaire oo. I better start thinking of doing my own business and employ Anane as my board chairman oo. I want to be a millionaire too.

Next two years, I would go and buy dried fish from Akosombo and come and be supplying restaurants in Accra and Koforidua. I will get money oo. Even when I am dead and gone, my children will continue but for my employer, as soon as I approach 59 they would send me pension notification letter. Ei, I can’t imagine being an employee for life; in fact not even for life, it ends at age 60. Dasoorrrr! No be so?

Abeg, nobody should steal this my business idea o. Wait when I start you can copy. Is that not what some of us do in GH? Once somebody conceives an idea and implements it, before you know it, everybody will start doing the same thing without knowing what formula you used. Copy and paste nkoaaa and we ‘spoil’ the business.

Do your own thinking er! Ahhhh! What’s that? Copy copy everywhere! No wonder some copycats fail because it is not their idea. Someone started his or her small meat pie business in traffic and now everybody wants to do some…ohhhhhhhh! Shame unto me la, hahahahaha!

Very soon I would start ‘waakye king’ and we shall see.

 Merry Christmas to you all or? Because it is not Christmas yet, you refused to say ‘The same to you er’? we shall see! Hahaaaaa!

God be with us all and as we enter the weekend, let us remember that people will offend us and we will also offend people like Ablahum Lincolnn put it: “Offences are like dancing in a disco; however well you dance, someone will step on your toes and you too will step on someone’s toes’. You’ve still got to continue dancing any way.

When offended and you feel like reacting, just before doing so, ask yourself: How would Jesus Christ react if He were in your shoes?’. Greetings o, Dr Lawrence Tetteh. Another great preacher man you are! Shalom!

The Writer, Mawuli Zogbenu, is an Insurance Practitioner, Communicator and the Weekly Author of the INSURANCE BAKERY Column in the Graphic Business Newspaper. He is also the weekly Author of the humorous page ‘USELESS COLUMN’ published in the Business & Financial Times newspaper and on myjoyonline.com.