Dear Parent,

I hope this finds you well. Please permit me to share these few thoughts with you.

School has resumed and we are all under so much pressure to pay school fees, buy books, school uniforms, shoes, bags, meals, snacks, pay for extracurricular activities, bus fares, drivers, after-school care and all the others that must come together to make the education agenda complete. Ayekoooooooo!

I have three teenagers going back to Sixth Form and Form 4 respectively, so I perfectly understand. Good job to all of us. But there is so much more to parenting than just doing the above which are equally very critical to the development of our children. That for me is just a quarter of the work of a parent. You are not a holistic parent if that is all you do.

What then accounts for the other three-quarters? The answer is simple: A PARENT WHO IS PRESENT. This accounts for all the other three-quarters. Remember the saying, “A child is going to remember who was there, not what you spend on them. Kids outgrow toys and outfits, but they never outgrow time and love.” Parenting is making time for your responsibilities. Oh yes! You have to go to work and make money. You have strict deadlines to meet and appointments to keep. You have so many bills to settle and, you must sometimes work different jobs to make ends meet. That is very understandable. But must your time for your children be compromised?

How is it right to put your children on hold so you can focus all your attention on everything else? Parenting is making time and not when you have time. How do you balance everything else such that your children are a priority? How do you ensure that you are handling your parenting roles just as you handle all other roles? The reward for working so hard is your earnings. Do you know the reward for making time for your children and otherwise?

Your children can only develop holistically when you make time for them. Oh yes, I know it is not a guarantee that making time for your children will make them turn out well but what will be gratifying is you knowing that you did all the work and left nothing to chance.

BEING A PRESENT PARENT is to commit to the holistic development of your child and “Train up a child in the way that he should go; when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6. Are you teaching your children about God and faith? Are you making time to teach them the importance of the God factor and dependability on God? How are they even seeing you manifest your relationship with God? Do they see you doing the opposite of what you tell them? Are you not being an ostrich? Do they see you as a role model? What truly do your children think of you? Can they approach you? Can they come to you freely without holding back in any way? Can they confidently count on you to help them through their confusion and insecurities? ARE YOU THEIR GO-TO PERSON?

Do you know what is really bothering your child? Or do you think they don’t have challenges? Well, let me burst your bubble: children have so much on their minds, that you cannot begin to imagine. Make time to engage your children and you will be amazed at the challenges they go through; the nightmares they deal with, the bullying they endure in school, the abuse meted out to them by close relatives, drivers, nannies, uncles and all the people you trust. Build a strong relationship with your children and you will be shocked at the stories they will tell you about their friends and teachers who are abusing them and talking down on them. They will tell you about their friends who are doing drugs, those whose parents have abandoned them and those who are at the mercy of housekeepers and the like.

You will be surprised to know that 10-15-year-olds are seriously masturbating and are already sexually active. How about discovering that your 16-18 year-olds have already had multiple sexual partners and you are there thinking that, everything is fine because you are out there working so hard for money to feed, clothe, shelter them and give them meals? Don’t be delusional, Mummy and Daddy. You are so detached from reality and it is pitiful. Fees, shelter, meals and clothes are not enough. No, they are not. You need to be present.

Do you know children suffer a lot of mental health issues? Oh yes, they do. Could your child be battling any mental health issue you may not be aware of? Obviously not, because you are not as present as you should be. You are not asking all the relevant questions and you are not paying as much attention as you should. Fees, meals, shelter and clothes are not enough.

Parenting is a daunting task. Parenting is a lot of sacrifice. Parenting is giving up on some of your pleasures and sometimes putting your ambitions on hold for a while. I had to stay at home for 7 years to nurture my children. I felt the world was passing me by. At some point, I was depressed and lost confidence in my personal abilities but today, I realise it was all for the good of their development. I am not saying everyone should do the same. Not at all, but trust me some sacrifices will have to be made, and some can be painful.

How about their emotional development? There are lots of children who have become very entitled because their emotional development was not catered to. They throw tantrums when they do not have their way, they are pampered with no forms of correction or discipline. They are neither taught to apologise nor take responsibility for their actions. They always have their way and are not taught to have respect and regard for other people’s feelings. It is always about them. These children go to school and show no form of empathy or love towards their mates and friends in school and they turn out to be bullies and abusers because interestingly, parents of such children are so delusional that, they defend their children to the latter and can’t fathom how their children could put up such behaviours. Have you not failed as a parent if this is your situation? Where have you been? How did you miss out on all of these developmental milestones and challenges for your child? How? Just how? These children grow to become very entitled people who feel everything must go their way, otherwise, there will be no peace. They grow up to become narcissists and abusers. Indeed, paying fees, and providing clothing, shelter and meals are not enough. It cannot fix these gaps in a child. You have to be present.

What sort of environment are you raising your child in? Is it that of acrimony, hatred, arguments, abuse, pain, absenteeism, discordance, disrespect and disregard? Well, don’t you ever sit to think that your children are ignorant or too young to see and understand some of these things? They see all of them and it affects them psychologically. And if your child does not have a sound mind, they will not function well. These children will either become withdrawn or irritable. They will act violently at the least provocation because they are not growing up in an environment of peace and love. They will manifest what they are seeing and what they are used to. Fees, meals, shelter and clothes are not enough. You must be present to see your child through their holistic development.

Alright, so for those of you wondering - what if you work from a different country? That should still not stop you from being in your child’s life. Thank God for technology. Make the time. Find what works for you daily. Dedicate just an hour a day somehow and be part of your child’s life. Guide them into the young men or women you wish for them to become. It is not enough to just send money for their fees, meals, shelter and clothes. It is not enough!

Fixing your broken children because you focused on only working to pay fees, buy clothes, and provide shelter and meals will be a very painful process. In their adult lives, when you are expecting them to be well-rounded and responsible, you will now be fixing the gaps your absence created. Would you rather spend your adult life in depression over the poor turn-out of the children you were not present for, instead of having a happy pension with them?

Let’s remember that as parents our children are our greatest assets and our topmost priorities. No matter what, we cannot relegate them to the background. They cannot be an afterthought. We cannot win on all other fronts and be losers when it comes to our children. God gave them to us and commissioned us to “Train up a child in the way that he should go; when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6. When the day of reckoning comes, we will have to count ourselves amongst the best, proudest and the happiest of parents and be joyous that, we have delivered excellently on the job to the glory of God.

We pray for Grace, Mercy, God’s provision and wisdom to be the best parents ever to our children.

In all your endeavours, remember that PAYING SCHOOL FEES, PROVIDING SHELTER, MEALS AND CLOTHES ARE NOT ENOUGH.

Thank you.

Yours in the service of the Lord and mankind.

Edem Knight-Tay.

About Edem Knight-Tay

Edem Knight-Tay is the Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with 4 adorable children. Edem has been a media practitioner for about 2 decades working in various capacities.

She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.” Amenuveve!