A lady got into my DM and wanted to find out if there was anything wrong with her thanking her husband anytime he paid the fees of their children and also after making love to her. They have been married for six (6) years.

I wondered how anything could be wrong with that and who said otherwise. So I texted back asking: “who said otherwise?"

Then she shared screenshots of conversations she had had with her aunty with me.

Wow!!! Just "wow" was my reaction. 

Of course, I will not be able to share the screenshots with you but I will share the content.

We also had a lengthy phone conversation and several others.

Her Aunty had asked of the family and her. After simply responding that "everyone is fine", she added more unsolicited information just to hype her husband.

Let’s call her Betty. Betty added that, her husband was doing so well and expressed how grateful she was to him. Her Aunty sarcastically asked her if he had bought her a house at Airport Hills. She laughed, said "not yet" and went on to explain that, the fees of all their three children had been increased astronomically and she was telling her husband that it was too much so they should move the kids to a more affordable school. But her hubby declined and said he would do well to take care of it.  

As of the time of their conversation, hubby had paid all the fees to the last pesewa, settled all other bills and had even increased their house-keeping allowance without her asking. She runs her own business and makes some good money so she was not expecting him to bother about increasing the house-keeping allowance. She told her Aunty she felt so blessed and went on to praise her husband the more. I understand her. She indeed felt very blessed and wanted to name her blessings, which would have been okay had her Aunty not been such a toxic and bitter person.

Oh, her Aunty went to town. She blurted: “how on earth do you go thanking a man for taking care of his responsibilities? Are the children not his? Is it not his responsibility to take care of you and the children? Is he doing you a favour? Do you not come from a good home? How on earth would you give a man such power over you? I hope you don’t also thank him for sleeping with you?"

Of course she does. She loves to roll over to thank him for making her feel good and then he takes it from there by showering her with praises and affirming his love for her.

Her Aunty was not having it at all, she continued to rant and wondered how she could stoop so low for a man. A man who is just doing the bare minimum by paying fees and just providing for his home?

Betty was really bothered and confused and could simply not understand what she was doing wrong. Her Aunty’s response was simply toxic. She made Betty understand that doing all that was only empowering her husband to rule over her; that he will control her and make her subservient to him.  She continued to say "he will think he is doing you a favour and will become a demigod who will need to be worshipped."

She assured Betty it was just a matter of time before she became so inferior in his eyes and then she would begin to endure all his excesses till she lost her mind and/or her life. She cautioned Betty to desist from doing anything that will make her look little in his eyes. She had to desist from making him feel like he is doing something extraordinary which will be used to oppress her soon. Her words: “How would you with your eyes opened give such undeserved power to a man who is merely taking up his responsibilities? A man who is not doing anything extraordinary, Betty, be careful ooooo …  yoooooo…”

Aunty reminded Betty of how her husband turned out to be bad news after she put her school on hold to help fund his, and then when he graduated, he served her “breakfast”. He used her lack of higher education status against her and he accepted another offer from another woman who helped him to travel abroad for greener pastures. Aunty's husband is now married to that other woman with two children and they live in Canada. She gave her all to this man, respected and served him. In fact, she gave him her life and he messed her up.  To this woman, all men are the same. They are undeserving of anything good. Her theory is for them to be met boot for boot with no inch to thrive.

She went on to ask Betty if her husband also thanks her for taking care of the home, for cooking, for taking care and buying clothes of the children, for nursing them when they are unwell and for all the personal sacrifices she makes for the family. She bets her niece’s husband doesn’t and she belittles herself by making him King for doing the bare minimum.

Betty said her husband affirms her, he apologises when he is wrong and he ensures that they resolve their differences quickly. She agrees that, sometimes, they go for few days giving each other the silent treatment, they have said a few nasty things to each other, they have raised their voices at each other, they have wronged each other so many times and in several ways but for her, those are bound to happen and they always resolve them. She sees her husband’s leadership in these things as his way of showing her love and respect. They have never had to invite third party in all their seven (7) years of marriage so for her, they are on the right path. Why is her Aunty so insistent on her seeing and doing otherwise?

It is this confusion that made her reach out.

We spoke and I am glad to let you all know that she is making her husband King and keeping her home.

Now, let me share my thoughts with her with you. It may be unpopular and some of you may come at me but remember, this will always be my approach and if you ever ask me for my thoughts on similar situations, my stance will not change. You may share your thoughts or do what works for you. Note that, there is no one-size-fit-all approach to resolving marriage and life issues. Live and let live.

Everything her Aunty is saying is true and can happen but these things do not happen in a vacuum. True, people change, but the signs are always there for you to see; we just don’t pay attention. Remember you are human and you can change too so what makes this a husband-only problem? Have you not heard of some of the very despicable things women have also done to men? From what I have shared with you, every sane person can tell she is on the right path so why must she see problems when they do not exist?

Oh, I empathise with her Aunty for what she went through but that does not give her the right to keep projecting her fears, failures, insecurities and disappointments unto this young couple. Her hurt, anger and bitterness has made her a toxic person and she will stop at nothing until she poisons other people into being in her miserable state.

Have you not seen marriages that have stood the test of time?

Have you not seen or heard about marriages that thrive with beauty and love for years until one spouse passes on? 

Do you have an idea what challenges people have had to deal with before getting to building their desired relationships?

There are so many of Betty’s Aunty around us in the forms of friends, counselors, pastors and pastor’s wives, bosses, siblings, cousins, uncles and even parents who parade themselves as people who care about our wellbeing but carry such ungodly counsels that will only end up making us worse than them. Be vigilant and pray for wisdom to handle such people.

If you ask me a million times, I will tell you to make your husband King. Give him a throne in your heart to sit on and make him rule it. Why should you not thank him for providing for the family? Why should you not make him feel appreciated? Why? I don’t get it.

Oh, please thank him for “knacking you silly” and taking you to that unforetold world of ecstasy. My sister, I beg use gratitude to collect more. I am not sure how true this is but I have heard that even weak sugar daddies get praised for performing like stallions when they themselves know that they perform like a lazy slithering snail. Please don’t allow anyone to tell you not to make your husband feel like the superstar he is.

I know and I agree that, some men can be disappointing. You will lay down your life for them and they will make you feel like a mistake of a human being but are some women not so equally toxic? Whoever said that all relationships and marriages are the same? Whoever propounded the theory that, whatever challenges one woman faces in her marriage will be faced by all women?  Can we stop spoiling things for people because ours didn’t work out? To those of you who have been projecting your insecurities and ills on others, just stop it already. Take time off to heal and give yourself a chance at love and life. Why don’t you channel that negative energy into something more productive and meaningful? How about genuinely sharing the lessons from your failures with others and praying for their success?  Let people navigate their own lives and if you must contribute then be positive and encouraging.

Some of you will also run your mouths like a running taps, divulge everything that happens in your home to outsiders and open unnecessary doors into your homes. Be careful not to tear down your walls with your own hands. Take it from me, everyone is dealing with something. Even the seeming happiest of couples have their own little demons they are fighting and trying to surmount. Stop talking about every single thing and also stop comparing your homes to those of others. Your home is your home and a unique one at that. Your husband has his own flaws and weaknesses. He has his shortcomings just as you do. Stop selling him out. 

Let me share a personal story with you.  A few years into our marriage, a family friend visited. On seeing that I had a house help, she advised that, my husband and I should try and build our home ourselves because she and her husband never had helps and this has helped them to bond better. She added that, house helps can be evil and cause confusion among couples so I should consider her advice seriously. It wasn’t a bad advice methinks.  Besides, she is way older than I am and of course, anything to make my husband and I bond better was good enough.  

When my husband got back from work that evening, I suggested same to him. He looked at me and wondered if I was serious and if I thought through what I was telling him. Of course, I did.  I began to pester him to agree for me to send the help away. I had planned out how we were going to handle everything. I became foolishly restless with the idea and made our home unbearable with my quest. 

After about two weeks, he said I could go ahead and share the chores. He asked me to let him know the days he has to sweep, wash, cook and clean, go to the market and everything else. He made it clear to me that, he will not do any of those things. He will hire a house-help to do his portion of the work. His words: “that’s fair, right?

"How could you go and listen to somebody and what works in their home and want to at all cost implement it here? Are you serious? Do you know these people do their own businesses and can afford to do as they will with their time? You and I are employees with children and you are suggesting such. What is wrong with you?” he asked.

My people, I repented immediately! What was I thinking? I apologised and resolved to never try such childish acts again."

Please, stop treating your husband like a kid in your home. He is the King in that home. Give him his place and his throne, worship him and will treat you as the queen you are. MAKE HIM KING AND KEEP YOUR HOME.

Unless he is a fool, he will appreciate you, value you and give you your place when you give him his. 

And if he is a fool, you sure know what to do.

Cheers!

About Edem Knight-Tay 

Edem Knight-Tay is the Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with 4 adorable children. Edem has been a media practitioner for about 2 decades working in various capacities. She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.” Amenuveve!