The other day, I said that, I loved being mummy. And Yes! I really really do.

I got a lot of private requests to share few experiences and learnings about parenting and being mummy, so here we go.

This is in no particular order; this is just me sharing my journey, lessons and experiences with you.

I had my children in quick succession. Between Kekeli and the twins is two years and three weeks, and between the twins and Junior is 21 months. This means that I got pregnant after each of the babies turned one. 

MY HUSBAND AND I - I was twenty-six (26) and he was thirty (31). We knew we were becoming parents. We were excited but we didn't think about how much our lives were going to be altered by being parents. Our mothers had both long passed on so we were on our own. My big sister moved in for about four (4) weeks to help me learn baby care and self management - bathing baby, wrapping baby, learning baby sleep positions and patterns, eating well, having good sleep, taking care of your home and still attending to wifely duties. Indeed, I was overwhelmed but I learnt and got a hang of it quickly. She had left her own family and business to assist me so I had to learn fast before she finally took leave of us. Soon it was time for my husband and I to face our responsibilities as a couple. As first time parents, we had our own challenges! Oh yes, but I will share those in another write-up titled ‘Challenges First Time Parent Encounter’.

Soon the twins (Elinam and Elikem) were here and then came Elliott Edem Junior. So I have four babies on my hands (4, 2, 2,0).

MY LESSONS AND EXPERIENCES

(1) PATIENCE, RESILIENCE, TOLERANCE AND COMPASSION - I had to learn and acquire an overdose of all of these virtues at the same time: four crying babies, four hungry babies, four fighting babies, four sleeping babies, four screaming babies, four playing babies, four mess-making babies, four attention-seeking babies, four babies with different needs at the same time and at different times and indeed four sweet, lovely and adorable babies to love and to care for. I needed an overdose of patience to attend to all their needs and not lose it. I needed an overdose of resilience not to break down, I needed an overdose of tolerance to understand them and manage them accordingly and compassion for both them and myself in order for all of us to keep and be happy because it was a lot and I had the assurance that, that was just a phase so I needed to find the joy in it. It was a lot to deal with. I was just a girl.

(2) UNDERSTANDING THE REAL MEANING OF LOVE - In motherhood, LOVE is sleepless nights, caring passionately for sick children, waking up at dawn to prepare warm beverages, love is learning how to sing different songs and create non-existent dance moves so people can stop crying and eat and be happy. Love is sacrificing (sometimes) your ambitions. Love is sucking mucus from helpless and restless babies with their father's expertise. Love is breastfeeding anywhere anytime it is required and smiling even when you get bitten on the nipples and there are sores. Love is ensuring that your children are well catered to at all times even when you are unwell. Love is you becoming a doctor and a nurse, a teacher, caterer, house keeper, psychologist, the driver, the bed they sleep on and everything else. Love is not enjoying meal times, toilet and bathroom times. Love is a 24-hour waiting service. Love evolves to accomodate their needs as they grow. The definition of love changes with their needs - if you are a teen parent, you will agree with me that one of the commonest love languages your child responds to, is "Data".

Ultimately, LOVE as I have come to understand as a parent, is SELFLESSNESS. You can share your unique experiences with me.

(3) BEING A MOTHER IS A CONSTANT SCHOOL - Oh yes ! The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” became more meaningful to me when I became a mother. What are you going to be teaching your children when you don't know it yourself?

I learnt to make delicious baby meals without pepper and spices. Do you know what it means to de-bone smoked salmon completely?

You will learn how to make hair and how to care for it so that it does not hurt them. You will learn to teach children how to eat, drink, pray, talk, walk and do practically everything. You will learn how to understand what every cry means. Is it wind, diaper change, hunger, pain, constipation? You will learn everything.

You must learn to understand, know and teach assignments, how to handle their health needs, emotional needs, their physiological changes and needs, the state of their mental health, learn to know their associations and guide their growing beliefs which are being influenced by so many factors. You must learn the best ways to deal with their excesses in order not to lose them.  You must learn everything under the sun. You must learn. If you shy away from learning, teaching and guiding appropriately, they will learn it on their own and you will pay for it. PARENTING AS I HAVE COME TO KNOW, IS LEARNING DAILY SO YOU CAN IMPACT.

(4) YOU CAN’T BE AN EFFICIENT PARENT IF YOU DO NOT  KNOW HOW TO PLAN AND MANAGE TIME - Planning and time management are pre-requisites to becoming a very efficient parent. I still wake at 4am to join my prayer group online while I am cooking pack lunch for my children, clean, go to they gym, to work and do other things including "churching and chilling".

Making quality time for my family and winning on the job are non-negotiable for me. When I assumed my role as Programmes Manager of Joy FM, my former boss of blessed memory,  Elvis Kwashie wanted me to get to work at a certain time. I knew I could not. Never! I had a conversation with him and we came to an agreement that would make me function effectively. I needed an hour and half more to get to work. When I explained my situation him, he understood and granted it. I made up for that in the evenings; I wouldn't have to rush through traffic so I stayed on to finish whatever I had to do before leaving. Of course, finding the balance is key.

The children have different needs at different times, they want to have private talks, we have movie nights with popcorn at home, we go on long drives, I take them to Makola to learn street sense and to learn how to bargain and buy, we hang out, we pray together, we go for service together, I keep doctor’s appointments, school meetings, family games, quiet times, sharing of life lessons, visitng families, acknowledging special occasions and birthday; its all about judicious planning and time management. It's tight and difficult sometimes but which one would you rather miss or lose? The family or the children? You can make it work and win on both ends.

(5) ASK FOR HELP: Parenting is daunting. Oh yes! You can lose yourself as a parent and even become resentful towards your own children. Mothers have fallen into severe depression and some have gone completely bonkers. Ask for help when you have to. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Let's not glorify suffering by christening it as ‘Superwomanhood’. Rest when you need to. Most women don’t know how to say we are worn out. Please your body needs the rest so don’t go on till it becomes detrimental. I take breaks when I need to. I rest when I need to and I travel alone when I have to and I make good time for myself. You have to be strong to keep giving off.

(6) DISCIPLINE AND REWARD SYSTEMS: These are very critical to raising well-rounded children. They must trust you and take your words for it. They must know that with hardwork and diligence come with rewards and fulfilments and so are there consequences of laziness, disobedience and rebellion. These will have to be age-related so they can understand. Put in little adorable reward systems that they will appreciate: play dates, educational toys, books, money, etc. (age appropriate) consider sending your toddler to the naughty corner and asking him or her to lace a number of shoes properly otherwise they remain grounded. 

They obviously will not enjoy it but you will be teaching them a valuable life lesson. Remember discipline and punishment are meant to be reformatory. The older they get the more difficult it becomes to instill disciplinary measures. The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 that “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” That is perfectly right.

(7) DEPEND ON GOD: Finally and most importantly, being utterly dependent on God for grace, mercy, direction, protection and teaching the children about God is non-negotiable. Your efforts are simply wasted and in vain without God.

You can't give what you do not have. Ensure that, you are in good health so you can continue to give off your best to your children and famiily.

Yes, I love being mummy. I love it that, I have to find solutions to everything. From teaching how to say a simple prayer, to hurting a finger through to making university education decisions plus everything in, around, in-between, and yet come. Yes! I love being mummy and God has always being my enabler.

About  Edem Knight-Tay

Edem Knight-Tay is Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM.

She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with four adorable children.

Edem has been a media practitioner for about two decades working in various capacities.

She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.”