After one of our Home Affairs shows on Joy FM, one of my young male team members came up to my office on Monday to have a conversation about the show. We had talked about finding the right partner that Saturday and we had very interesting reviews.

He said Edem, “these days, you can’t even find a good girl if you do not have certain things to start with.” I asked: “certain things like what?” He opined that a girl who is willing to have a serious conversation and consider a relationship with you is looking out for the sort of work you do, your income, your car, how nice your apartment is and some even wonder how much allowance you can give them weekly. 

He continued to say that, this for a lot of ladies, will signify your seriousness and your readiness to be in a relationship that could possibly lead to marriage. He also revealed that, if you do not have the above and more and they still like you for other reasons, they will most likely hang out with you and keep someone else on the side who will take care of those things. Guess my response, “I seeeeeeeeeeeee.”

I then asked him what the guys also look out for. What will make a guy want to be with a particular woman and consider a serious relationship leading to marriage with her? He said, a good and God-fearing girl and one who will give you peace of mind and help make a home. My response – “Okaaaaaaaaaaaay, great.” 

Then I enquired: “will this lady who is looking out for all these things from a young man who is starting up be able to give you peace of mind in future? What if you marry this girl and something goes wrong and you are unable to provide or don’t own these things anymore, will she be there to still make the home and give you the peace of mind?” His response – “hmmmmmm.”

This is a young man who is 32, with a salary of about two thousand cedis who wants to start a relationship and settle down eventually.  Is that all you are looking for in a woman? A good girl who can keep a home and give you peace of mind? Remember you are not rich or a rich man’s son. You are a struggling young man. How can you date and marry a broke girl with such imaginations and expectations? Well, I told him not to marry a broke girl who is only looking for a poverty alleviation agent like the ones he described earlier. A man like him should be looking for more than that in a woman he wants to marry. It is team work. You should also be looking out for dependability, support and a woman who is willing to hold you up when you are down. Like I mentioned earlier, unless you are a very rich boy who is just looking for a trophy wife to spoil, a “good girl” cannot be the only thing you are looking for in a woman. In any case, who is a good girl? He said a girl who is humble, respectful and not quarrelsome. Once again these are great qualities but they are not enough. She must also be industrious and dependable in order for you two to be able to create the life you both are seeking.

Now let me address these broke girls. You this girl, you are broke, you can’t provide your own basic needs. I wonder if you even have a job at all and even if you have, it probably does not carry you through the month and you are there making such nonsensical demands on somebody’s son who is trying his very best to survive. 

Annoyingly, most of you young men fall prey to these girls putting yourselves under such unnecessary pressure.  

I admit she is a fine girl who probably has a beautiful figure with the boobs and the butts so your head is spinning and you are willing to take on the challenge just to have her. You earn 2k, you probably don’t even have a regular side hustle that brings in a bit more. You live in a rented one bedroom house, doing your very best and still trying to figure out how to make the most out of life. Why would you succumb to such pressure?  Why? A woman must see the potential in a man she genuinely wants to be with and help him work through it; not force him to live above his means.

Should I say a lot of women have driven men into their untimely graves or rather that some men have allowed themselves to driven into their untimely graves by women? I am actually not sure which one is the fact but whichever way, people’s precious sons have perished as a result of undue pressure. No wonder some of the men also just choose to be nonchalant and irresponsible.

I have told my son, never to allow any woman make him feel inadequate. He should live the best way he can, achieve all that God enables him to and be the most responsible man to his wife, children and family. I have charged him to give off his best as far as he is graced. I added “Do not be selfish and do not be greedy. Work hard, rest well, play hard and keep it real. What you will not do is to live above your means just so you can foolishly impress or be accepted. You will not succumb to any needless pressure and yield to unhealthy societal norms and trends. Love your woman and pamper her but do not lose your life in so doing.”

But seriously, why would you want to go over and above for a broke girl who is only looking for who to leech on and not whom she wants to work to build a safe place and haven with? What is she really contributing to the life she is demanding from you? Why are you allowing her to push you to the wall and compare you to other men whom she has no idea how they came into wealth? You have a sedan and she is highly disappointed in you because she has met some of your mates who are driving SUVs. That is where you put it to her that, there are women like her who are buying SUVs for their husbands and paying for them to go on vacations to destinations of their choice, and throwing lavish birthdays parties for them. Which one has she done? Even the boxers and singlets she buys are of no proper quality. Make her understand that, some families are living luxurious lives only because the women have very well paying jobs. Do not tolerate such toxicity from such broke girls and don’t allow them to make you feel inadequate. The Fantes have an adage that says “banyin nso ko awarepaa, oye” - meaning, men can equally marry well.

I totally understand the men when they shout about the fact that they are tired of receiving handkerchiefs and boxers on their birthdays when we women expect cars, houses, vacations, top of the range phones and other lavish items. Here is my bit: if you are in the position to do all of these without any struggles, please go ahead and do it without hesitation. After all, “how much is money” to a wealthy man? But if you have to take life threatening risks just to level up and impress your girl or your wife, then I am sorry, you are with a broke girl and all you are doing is enabling her quest to drive you to an early grave. I will keep stressing that, all fingers are not equal so each to their own. If you have the money, go over and above if you wish to, but if you don’t, then live within your means. Be firm and don’t take on any unnecessary risks for any broke girl whose father was not able to afford in his entire lifetime what she is demanding from you who is just starting off. 

When you meet a lady you want to be with, truthfully place all your cards on the table. Let her place hers on it as well and if she is interested in working with you to build the life you both desire, then you go ahead to team up and begin to work at it. However, if she is making unreasonable demands and believes that, you must provide all her needs according to your struggles and sweat, and you don’t particularly subscribe to that assertion, then don’t even try to find a balance or come to a compromise. This is not one of the things you want to compromise on. Note that, some beliefs are firmly rooted in some people by virtue of where they come from, their upbringing and experiences. If where she comes from, it is believed that men must take care of women then note that, that is what she will expect and demand. If you cannot do that, then keep moving till you find that person who is willing to team up and work with you. Do not play Jesus and convince them to carry their cross and follow you. They will grow weary in no time and abandon you.

‘Do not date or marry a broke girl’ does not mean if you meet a woman who needs support, you should no support her if you can. A person who needs help recognises where she comes from and will not be make unnecessary demands on you. She will appreciate the little you are able to do for her and you will see her making genuine efforts herself to come up.

Do not go and promise your life and their sorrows away as a struggling young man. You will be ruined. People are living their best lives because somebody cared enough to support them or come through for them in their times of need. Help as much as you can and give off your best but do not die dating a broke girl who sees you only as a poverty alleviation agent. DO NOT DATE A BROKE GIRL!

Cheers!

About Edem Knight-Tay 

Edem Knight-Tay is the Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with 4 adorable children. 

Edem has been a media practitioner for about 2 decades working in various capacities. She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.” Amenuveve!