I took a five-week break to unwind. I had not done that in years. In as much as I was not actively doing my day job, I did a lot of social work. During one of such engagements where I delivered a good will message at the 15th anniversary of a business owned and run by a couple, I witnessed one of the craziest things that could ever happen in the life of a married couple. A man utterly embarrassing his family in the full glare of everyone present and those who took videos. He beat up his wife in front of everybody in including their children. 

Why? His wife had questioned his actions and he felt very offended as a man. Mind you, we only heard about the questioning because the man was screaming that out loud as his reasons for beating her up - meaning this was done in private and on the quiet. 

We all saw this man's behaviour. He was flirting with other women, complimenting them, helping them carry their plates of food to their tables, exchanging phone numbers and acting inappropriately in so many ways. In fact people saw through his actions and murmured a lot in disapproval but he could not be bothered. 

People felt truly sorry for his wife but minded their business until he started hitting her. Apparently, when he went to sit by her, she told him how uncomfortable his behavior was making her and that was how he started hitting her and asking her how dare she tell him what makes her uncomfortable? 

The lady ran out, he ran after her and that was how some of the people went after him, grabbed him and one of the men gave him a resounding slap and asked him to return the slap if he was indeed a man. Rather, he tried to break free to go after his wife who had taken refuge with some attendees of the event. He was pulled to a place across from the event centre by some of the men who turned away all the women who tried to follow but the there was a female pastor and I who went with them. The gentlemen gave him a good talk but he was still very livid. His ego had been bruised by his wife simply asking him quietly to be treated right. I feared for the woman back home. 

The moment he saw me, he said “Auntie Edem, you see how your sister has embarrassed me?” I asked him to shut up and stop being so childish and egoistic. “Just shut up. You are shameless,” I said, very upset. 

Then he asked if I was supporting his wife. I am sure he got his answers from the look I gave him. One of the men retorted by telling him not to talk about embarrassment and that, embarrassment was when he was dancing provocatively, holding the waist of the other women and gyrating right in front of his wife without caring how she felt. He foolishly responded by saying he was the man and that he could do as he pleased including disciplining his wife and he does not need anyone telling him how to handle his wife and family. There, I yelled at him to shut up one more time while asking him series of questions in quick succession. “What makes you think your wife is your child that you can discipline as you will? What makes you think it is okay to humiliate, embarrass and make her a public ridicule? No no no --- Who taught you to beat your wife or any woman up? What gives you the right to do as you will with your wife? Who raised you? Whose son are you? What are you teaching your children? What kind of father are you?” He just stood there looking at me and shaking his head.

I kept wondering: really where does he derive that demonic energy from? You can disagree with me all you want but for me, any man who hits a woman is still a growing boy. You are not man enough if you hit a woman. And this one is actually a toddler – hitting your wife in public before your children, disrupting someone’s event and creating a whole scene. Oh God! What a boy! It was a very long road to the resolution but let me skip that and share my learnings with you.

My learnings and lessons

(1). You are simply not man enough if you are a woman-beater. His fellow man dealt him a slap and he could not fight back. She has suddenly become one of your possessions so you can do with her as you please because you paid her dowry? Why don't you leave her alone if you think she is not good enough?  Don't dehumanise, embarrass and make her feel unworthy. Let her go if you find her unworthy of you.

And to you my dear woman, I know we have been wired to take on a lot and endure so much but abuse should not be one of them. No! Don't accept and take on that one in any form. She confided in me that hitting and beating her up was quite normal. Sometimes, he would push a piece of towel into her mouth so she can’t cry out loud. He can lock her up for a whole day in the bathroom without food and water and come to have sex with her up to about three times in the bathroom and leave her in there whenever he is done.

He did with her as he pleased and she never utters a word so she speaking up really irritated him. He had ensured that she has no job, no source of income, no bank account, nothing. He showers her family with money so nobody is ready to listen to what she goes through. He will buy her the most expensive clothes and accessories, take her and the children out to the best places, take photos and post so the world thinks she is happy but she is a slave. She is not allowed to have a social media account or interface with the public in anyway. Her life is a horror movie. Why is she accepting and enduring all of these? She has nowhere to go and also for the sake of the children… Which are the usual reasons a lot of women endure abuse. I told her, she might not live to tell her story should she continue to accept, take on and endure such treatment. How does this dehumanisation benefit your children? Like I mentioned earlier, it was a really long road to the resolution. They are both in counselling and receiving therapy but whatever it is, do not take on any form of abuse. There is no crown for it.

(2) Parents, let's raise our boys well. Let's not raise narcissists. Let’s not raise men who feel entitled and also feel like it must always be as they think, feel, say or do. Let’s raise respectful and empathetic men. Men who will see their wives as companions and not competitors who must be prevailed over and dominated. Let’s raise men whose wives will be proud of. Let’s raise men the world will be proud of and thank us for. In the same vein, let’s raise our girls instilling in them their self-worth. Let’s teach and empower our girls to come to their full potentials. Teach them to honour their husbands, submit to them but not become slaves to any human being whatsoever.

(3) I later learnt that, he coerced her to quit her job and be a full stay-at-home mum all in the name of giving the children full attention, which is not a bad thing in itself (I stayed at home for 7 years to nurture my children) but this man obviously did this for himself: to make her economically powerless, to make her totally dependent on him so he can do with her as he wills.

Sister, yes, stay at home all you want to take care of your children. They need that attention and it is a priceless investment if you can afford to. However, do not give up your economic power. Take on something that will still bring you some income. Start up a flexible business. By all means, do something that brings you some income. Do not become totally dependent on your man. Have that conversation on the need for you to earn an income no matter how little. You both might need it on a rainy day. Whatever it is that you choose do, DO NOT TOTALLY GIVE UP YOUR ECONOMIC POWER. 

(4) Don't be beaten the third time. You might not see the first one coming. Forgive if they sincerely apologise. The second time was premeditated and intended. It is a deal breaker. It will become a habit if you allow it the third time. And again sisters, be royal, be sweet, be disciplined, respect yourself and carry yourself in a manner that a man will never dream of laying their hands on you. Remember, garbage in, garbage out. Thank you! 

About Edem Knight-Tay 

Edem Knight-Tay is the Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with 4 adorable children. Edem has been a media practitioner for about 2 decades working in various capacities. She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.” Amenuveve!