Some years ago when I met my would-be mother-in-law, she took to me immediately. Ours was love at first sight. I am not sure what it was but she just loved me instantly. She was even happier when she realised I was a June born also. I must say I was blessed to have her as my mother in-law. Her soul continue to rest in peace.

During one of my visits, we engaged a bit more deeply and she was filled with great empathy when she realised my mother had passed on about 5 years prior to our meeting. She wondered how I had carried on in life from age 15 without my mother. She became even more loving and said that I could take her as my mother and not my boyfriend’s mother. She asked to visit my dad and when they met, they struck a great acquaintance immediately. My mother-in-law was from Keta while my father from Kedzi, so they had a lot of connections. She was sure to tell my father that, her son had brought home the second daughter she never had. She assured him that, if I am not with him at home or in school, then he can be sure to find me in her home.

Our relationship indeed grew beautifully into that of a mother-daughter. I was with her more often than her son. She was a retiree so she was almost always home. They lived quite close to my school (NAFTI) so I saw her most days after lectures. She was a vibe and I loved her company. We are either on her bed or in the living room on the couch with my head on her or trying something out in the kitchen. She taught me how to make some indigenous dishes like 'abobi tadi, akpa detsi', among others.

There was a day I Iay on the couch with my head on her laps when a lady came asking of her son. Guess her response? “Oh, he has gone out to get some snacks for his baby right here.” (pointing to me). When the lady left, she said to me “You are a good girl. I pray my son does not disappoint or deceive you.” That truly touched me.

There was this one time that she was upset with me. I do not eat pork so any time I visited and she made pork she made sure I had something different. This time she had made pork gravy with Banku so she offered me the banku with okro stew. I declined it, saying I was full. But I I wanted to eat 'check-check'. I just didn’t feel like eating banku that day. We went out to buy it and foolishly brought it home. Oh, she was livid. Why did I lie? Why didn’t I just say I didn’t want banku but lied that I was full? I didn’t think it was a big deal but she was not happy at all and avoided me the whole day. I was so ashamed. Why didn’t I just tell her that simple truth knowing that she was just been caring? It also made me realize that, she would rather I am honest regardless of the situation.

I apologised but like I mentioned earlier, she let me be. Even when our favourite programme was showing on TV, I was too shy to go sit with her. She called out to me saying, “where is that naughty girl? Glooooory.” I came to sit by her, and she told me the next time I behaved that way, she would beat me paaaaa. She pampered me to a fault. Oh, mama. I am typing this with a lot of nostalgia. Her husband used to call me Kudjo’s baby whenever he met me. I was loved by my in-laws even before we got married.

Along the line, her son had bought me a ring to assure me of his love and guess what, mama took the ring, prayed over it and while she put it on my finger, she said she will not endorse any other woman for him ever. She put our hands together and blessed us and then she made a whole feast for us to celebrate our love. I truly miss this woman. And on the day of our traditional marriage 5 years after dating and courting, my mother was indeed the happiest. She kept dancing and chanting: “now we are taking her home, she is ours.” Everyone knew by her behaviour that, I was blessed with a super sweet mother-in-law.

I had a glorious relationship with my in-laws. The details are in my book that will be released soon. They pampered me, they had my back. I remember when someone asked me in their presence after about 7 months into our marriage when the babies were going to start coming, they dealt ruthlessly with the person. Before she took her last breath, she called us, held our hands and said she knows I will always take good care of her son and pleaded with her son to always take good care of me and ensure that, I am always happy because that is what will give her a good rest. I have shared so much tears of my fond memories with mama while trying to put this together. It is so regrettable that, she didn’t live to see any of our children. We had our first child a year after she passed on and we we named the baby after her – “Aduke”.

What is your own experience with your in-laws? What do you hope for it to be like in future? And if you are a mother in-law, how do you want to be remembered? What would you have your daughter in-law say about you?

Clearly, the in-law relationship can be a very tricky one. What if I was out rightly rejected? What if she didn’t like me? What if she wanted someone else for her son? Fortunately for me, I was blessed but many homes have been broken and turned into a nightmare because of in-laws with great focus on mother in-laws. They can make your marriage a living hell. I know a friend who lost her home because of her mother in-law and unfortunately, the man was a mummy’s boy. This mother in-law went to their home at will to change the furniture arrangements, bedroom arrangements including laying bed sheets she thinks will make her son feel comfortable, cook and labeled what should be eaten what day and organized monthly spiritual cleansing in their home. Husband only saw his wife’s discomfort as she hating his mother. Marriage eventually broke down and she moved in with her son.

Many counselors have advised counselees to treat their in-laws with tact. This in-law relationship has broken many beautiful relationships and cause a lot of unrest in many homes. And in some cases like mine, in-laws have helped build homes and made some marriages sweet.

Some mother in-laws can be possessive. This may be due the only son syndrome, early widowhood situation, rejected pregnancy and abandonment amongst others. In most cases, these women struggled to fend for their sons and thus become very possessive especially so if their sons are well to do. The narrative that, nobody will come and reap from where they haven’t sown is what they live by. Any woman thus become an enemy.

Some of them too are pushy and intrusive. They want to have an opinion in everything you both do. Sometimes, they tend to force their positions and beliefs on the couple. They come in unannounced and will stay for as long as they will and do as they please. Any objection will mean that the daughter in law wants to compete and must be put in their place.

Some are also so involved that, they choke you. They want to run errands for you, insist on you doing what works in their homes, they dictate the brands of items you should buy, what you should feed your children and how to raise them. They practically want you to replicate their homes in yours. To them, they are loving you and being helpful when in actually fact, they are so in your face and choking you. Again in such situations, objections are seen as disrespect and lack of appreciation.

And there are the the truly sweet ones like my late mother-in-law who will make you have your peace, respect your boundaries, love you truly like a mother and will not be in any competition with you. She gives you advice and lets you know that the ultimate decision is yours. She cares about the success of the marriage because she knows that, when you have a thriving home, her son whom she cares about and loves so much will be happy and at peace. She is not selfish and acknowledges the fact that, her little boy has come into manhood and must build his own family and home. She will not project her own fears and disappointments her son’s wife. She corrects in love because she understands that, correction is for reformation and growth. Such mother in-laws are revered.

So what if she is like the ones I described earlier and not the one I had?

My thoughts

How ready and how long are you willing to endure until she starts truly coming around? You can neither rush nor force it so you must be willing to endure should you notice these traits and still want to go into it. Don’t you ever think you can go in and change things. You will regret that thought.

What is your motive? Are you just pretending to be calm and ready for work only to become a fighter after marriage? Girl, I bet you, you will fight your way out of that home because such people do not back off. They have very strong emotional attachments to their sons. They are good at blackmailing their sons into choosing them because they can force them into choosing either you are them. Wives who become fighters after the marriage hardly succeed in such situations unless you are using a charm which will wear off one day. So I ask again, what is your motive?

Is the man willing to have very honest conversations with his mother? Letting her understand that, she is his mother and her place will always be sacred but he needs a companion? Is the man mature enough to know how to handle and bridge such gaps without necessarily taking childish sides? Can he stand up for what is right and be able to put everyone in their rightful place peacefully?

Will this mother-in-law ever come to understand that that her son cannot be tied to her apron strings forever? That he is a full grown man and can handle his affairs? Will she understand that her best bet is to pray for her son’s peace of mind and happiness as he makes that life time decision? Of course her concerns are valid. Will she give him peace? Is she not a viper? Is she not just after his wealth? Will she not turn around and start calling she the mother in-law a witch? Will she not poison her son against her? Can she have children? All these concerns are valid but he must settle down so yours is to pray for him and wish him well. I want to believe that, you have done a god job by bringing your son up well so you must not be consumed with fears. Pray for him.

There are people who believe that, once the two of you agree to be together, love is all that matters. Well, that is not entirely true. In this our part of the world, family is key in marriage. You can argue all you want but being at peace with your in-laws is one of the best blessings any marriage can enjoy. If you ask me, I will tell you to work at it. People who are not on good terms with their in-laws can attest to the daily battles and hurdles they have to surmount.

PEACE WITH YOUR IN-LAWS (MOTHER IN-LAW) IS PEACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE.

About Edem Knight-Tay 

Edem Knight-Tay is the Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with 4 adorable children. Edem has been a media practitioner for about 2 decades working in various capacities. She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.” Amenuveve!