Please it has come to my notice that two sets of lists are making the rounds in social media circles as people who have invested their money in some ‘girls’. I wish to state categorically in unequivocal terms that the lists need to be updated bcos I did not see my name in any of them. How come? Whoever generated the lists should update them mazamazao, hahaaaaa! That is what happens when one is cajoled into believing that ‘the leg being said to be bigger than the thigh does not suggest there is a problem’!

Have you realized that when a hen is being chased by a cock for the ‘thing’, the hen runs only a short distance and stops for her ‘eater’ to enjoy? I just like the style the cock makes any time they want the ‘thing’ from their female counterparts. They use swag and go stylishly with one wing openly exposed and then…pa..pa..pa!Finish! Chase the same hen for soup and you’d run the whole day. Many many women in any form will continue to do us. The speed with which some of them expect you to send mobile money is not the same as when you want the ‘thing’ from them. They go toss you saaaaa. Nowadays, just don’t propose but show signs of it and already you are woing them but not in January o!

If you are unluckily lucky she is the one you want to get married to, sorry! Haaba! As for human men, we are not patient kraathat’s why our women sack us sometimes. Let’s apply small subtlety and skill like the cock does with one wing but we just go like that - no foreplay and some of us in a hurry disgustingly applying saliva for ‘early planting’ and then piaaaaa…we have arrived! Ajeeeei! It’s Friday 18^th January and it’s as if January has just started!

One of the things I hate most when mc-ing weddings is when someone comes to you with a piece of paper forcing you to announce that someone’s car has blocked another person’s car who wants to leave the programme for another programme. Leave for where? If you have ever found yourself in this situation as a professional MC, I am sure you would appreciate what I am talking about.

Even sometimes at top official functions, when the keynote address is being delivered, that is when you would find someone one with the small piece of paper with the car registration number written on to give you pressure to virtually stop the keynote speaker for you to announce the blocking of a car!Ao!Hmmm!KaphuiDeh, you dey? I know you and Jelly Agyorlolo know what I am talking aboutpaa and can relate easily.

Talking about weddings, on my way to work last Tuesday while caught up in the usual useless traffic during the rush hours, I heard someone honking at me. Lo and behold it was Martin, my neighbor. He immediately started apologizing profusely for forgetting to invite me to his daughter’s wedding ‘last Saturday’. I responded to reluctantly and pretended to be angry at him. In actual fact I had to express how unhappy I was about it because as neighbours what on earth could make him forget about me, his buddy buddy!

Truth was, inwardly, I was happy I was not invited. Nowadays the pressures of life give us extra headaches and increasing blood pressure if we get invited to some of these social events. I don’t know whether that is how it has always been but growing up, I thought people seldom died or had weddings! Or perhaps because as a ‘children’ I had no responsibility so never really noticed that my parents were always busy during most weekends attending ‘unnecessary’ funerals and weddings! These days there are just too many funerals, weddings, out-doorings, graduations even at the crèche level!

Is it life or the pocket that has become so stressed out? One simply cannot honour many decent invitations due to inadequate la gent. Invitations to funerals, weddings and graduations have become events we quietly pray not to be invited to; you would have satisfied everybody and come back home and possibly to face your wife with unnecessary anger over fuel or transport expenses. But after all these stressful activities, one could easily find himself or herself as the next item on the list of ‘Gone Too Soon’. Why stress ourselves so much! Whether you attend or not, the wedding would take place, the funeral of the late Mr Pee would still take place and the burial would certainly be underground!

Nowadays, on Saturdays I put on black and white apparel. When I get to a wedding programme I would be accepted. I move to the next funeral and I am still fine. Graduation ceremonies would also welcome me.

So why don’t I thank my God if you fail to invite me to your wedding? Ah ah! How I wish you’ve even lost my contacts!

If you have noticed there are more wedding invitations in December and early January than any other month. I don’t know why but it is in apparent rush to meet targets set. I was the MC at one such weddings at Mamprobi on January 5 and it was awesome. The things I hate mostly about Mc-ing weddings still happened. That is when relatives from the bride’s side are giving you instructions and relatives of the groom’s side are also giving counter instructions.

Though somehow understandable, some people including friends of the couple do that out of, I don’t know whether it’s mischief or genuine concern.

On January 5, there was still some purchasing power so offertory for the couple was reasonably ok. I love that part of the wedding when the man tells his first religious lie: ‘I do’ instead of just saying ‘I will try’. Majority of the women are truthful here except that in recent times, some of them…hmmm! Lord God have mercy on all of us!

Then I was organizer cum MC at yet another wedding of a cousin on January 12, 2019. Aoaoao! Please in case you don’t know, never have your wedding in the second to the last Saturday of January. The people coming are already broke.

Offertory was, as usual given and we decided to count the money the following day after the envelope was blessed with the amount not declared bcos it was not counted.

Like the previous Saturday’s event, we appointed some people to sort out only GHC50 notes. Others GHC20, GHC10, GH5 in that order.

I was not personally surprised as the people appointed to sort out and count the GHC50, GHC20, GHC10 and even GHC50 notes became redundant after a few seconds.

We had to reassign them to go and count the GHC2 notes and the GHC1 notes and coins. As I write, they are still counting GHC1 notes and coins! I should have foreseen it bcos on the way to the chapel, some people whom I knew to be car owners came in trotro under the pretext that their car timing belts were faulty; it’s a lie. It’s January and they wanted to manage the little fuel they have in their cars to take them to at least a few more more days before January struggles to come to an end! I dey lie?

How do you organize a wedding around this time expecting good offertory, my brother? In fact, don’t even think about a gift table. For what? Your invitees are themselves there to have lunch and forget about supper in their own homes and you are there talking gift table. You don’t know! Hmmm!

In fact, the couple have been advised to redo the wedding in the first week of February just for purposes of offertory! Never too late. It’s just two weeks into January. Wait till next week going when you see people getting angry unnecessarily for no offence caused them – e bi money matter!

To some of our clergy who help us schedule our weddings in January, abeg, after the first Saturday of January, I suggest you cancel all other weddings in January!

Go to  Adabrakafood joints right now and see the queues at gari and beans joints, the same cannot be said of the fried rice joints under the pretext of saying fried rice giving cholesterol. It’s all poverty talk, my brother, purchasing power down and so January also takes time to come to an end.

One of my Senior Sales Managers has already ‘cautioned’me, his boss, not to demand results from him this month because he is not in the right frame of mind to meet his targets. Hahahahahaha! No be easy o! He lie bad sef!

Have the best of the weekend and if possible, swerve any wedding or funeral being invited to tomorrow! What crime! Take life easy! You can’t please all!