When I tell you that when I was a small boy I used to enter rat holes in search of rat for meat, you may think it is just rat meat, no be so? If you have not done this before, then you can’t be a forensic auditor. It’s Fridayyyyyyyyy and we are still alive. Give thanks to the Almighty in the name of Jesus!

‘Children of the Lord, sing Halleluya…Halleluya in numbers…. Halleluya number oneeeeeeeeee! Halleluyaaaaaaaaa! Ok, you let’s go straight to Halleluyah number tennnnnnnnnnn! Haaalleluya…Halleluya…..Halleluya….Halleluya…Halleluya…..Halleluya…Halleluya…Halleluya…..Halleluya…to be continued…

Tell me the truth, you used to count with your fingers the number of times you sang this African Halleluya chorus, no be so? Is this not similar to that time when you want to know whether the month of May has 30 days or 31 days and start by quietly reciting that primary school juju:

30 days has September, April June and November…all the rest have 31 except February….’ Here, when you happen to have attended cyto, the end of the rhyme doesn’t come out clear. We say it fichifichichichi just to fill in the space.

I don’t know if you have also experienced this before. You live in a community where you admire some ‘body’ so much but the opportunity never presents itself for you to talk to that person. Then one day, just when you are about driving out, you see this nice person standing at the bus stop apparently waiting for a taxi. You see this as a fine opportunity to offer her lift even if it means going beyond your own destination to drop her as I often do. Just when you start speeding towards her direction to pick her, a taxi gets there first to pick her up. Herh! It is even worse if the car that comes to pick her is a private car. How is that his business? Who send am sef? Please don’t ask who send me too o! It is just like when driving in traffic, you lose concentration and a car from the other lane comes to fill in the space in front of you. You often get angry for nothing, as if the road belongs to you. Why? Ern, I say why, Kofi?

I lost an opportunity last Saturday to offer Mr Allotey’s ‘straight face’ but pretty daughter lift to the junction. Upon seeing her at the junction, I rearranged all the unorganized things in my front passenger seat and sprayed perfume into the car. Just before getting to her, a ‘useless’ private car came to ‘whisk’ her away. The thing pain me er! What worsened matters for me was that after I lost that opportunity to offer her lift, while still driving towards my destination I saw another princess with red lipo lipo on her lips standing by the road and also in an apparent wait for a car. To compensate myself for the earlier loss, I stopped by to offer her lift. I blew the horn when I got closer to her and beckoned her in fact opened the door for her to sit and she said NO straight away. Aish! This one sef pain me pass. What embarrassed me most was the fact that there were some other vehicles following me! When I looked into the rear mirror, the occupants of the vehicle right behind me were seen laughing and I wasn’t sure if they were laughing at me or at something else. Now I am shy to stop by any strange lady to offer lift mpo. Who said for security reasons, it is not safe to offer strange ladies lift? Which one is your problem? Did I ask you for your security advice? Leave me alone. Man must die of something. Finish! Me I taya sef! Hahaaaa! 

Do you know that God likes specialization? Hmmm. Me I am telling you o. Others are writing very useful stories in their specialised fields and look at me too my specialization. Ao! Hmmm. All I know is this nonfa!

I was just imagining what would happen the day the NOSE is asked to do what the EYES do. God has made the Head the MD on which all of these organs hinge for each organ to concentrate on their specialised (core) areas.

My only problem is with the NOSE. Bra Nose wants to do everything. The NOSE has decided to be doing everything including sneezing, coughing, breathing, accommodating unnecessary hair, accommodating pimples, inhaling good food aroma, inhaling borla smell, etc. The Nose runs and leaves the foot to smell; that is shirking of responsibilities. In these days of severe catarrh and flu everywhere you go, one nostril decides to get blocked and the other one flows waaa waaa waaa! Why won’t you specialise on one thing, my brother, NOSE? Ei, Agboji, how be? This guy is in my church and is well endowed with a good nose and when he breathes around you er, even a 2.5 horse power air-conditioner will be jealous! He is the one spreading the catarrh in my church and surrounding areas, I am sure! Please be careful when you see him. I remember teaching my young nephews and nieces to say ‘Excuse me’ anytime they sneeze. However, when I sneeze, they say ‘excuse me’ on my behalf even though I have corrected them several times to do so only for themselves – when they sneeze. But when Agboji sneezes they exclaim ‘Jesus’ and take to their heels! what a good nose can do, no AC is needed!

The way pharmacy shops and ‘draw’ stores (drugstores) are recording high sales from flu related medicines these days er. Everyday I have to buy one flu medicine or the other. Some of them have stopped working mpo but I feel psychologically relieved anytime I take them. How for do!

Ei, Mrs Sarah Baptista Gebu, thank God you escaped the powers of catarrh the last time after those armed robbers broke into your room to steal your soup.

Sarah was recently profiled in some international magazine in America. I saw it when I visited last month. America? Oh mehn, that is God’s own country! From what I saw in America, we in sub-Saharan Africa don’t have a long way to go at all; we simply have NO WAY! Poor mentality by most of us not only our leaders when we keep throwing rubbish anywhere and walk away with swag! Long way to go? I disagree; we have no way, I think especially if we continue this way!

It is only Sarah who believes we would catch up. When I saw her profile as a star performer in her international agric-based NGO, Winrock, I had some hope that we will get there even if it takes us one million years but for now, forget.

The thieves who broke into her house stole only agbelima and garden egg stew and she is still crying la and I am waiting for the day she will try to cough with her nose. It can be real fun! Hahaaaa!

*Humour