This Xmas paaa, the way I would celebrate er, hmmm. Why is it that everything that is very sweet also smells? For example, I still don’t understand why mormorni smells yet is sweet. You can also give your own examples of things that are sweet but smell. Me? Give you some more examples? For what? Hahaaaaa!

Baba Seini Yakub of NIC, please where is Emy Newmann, that pretty Takoradi-based Gospel artiste who has 8 children but still looks very young? Some women are pretty o.

Did you know that some of the most experienced swimmers are those who get drowned easily? Don’t think about it, just swim! 

During last year’s Christmas, my wife and I decided to have some time together by playing the game oware at home and she got a phone call. I took advantage of her momentary loss of concentration and ‘balanced’ some of the…the…the…eyi oooo! How do we call those things in English koraa han? When she came back I kept on playing…playing...playing non-stop! Cheating is not good oo. It was never ending! Is that not cheating? The game of oware –cheating Kwaku Ananse is like cheating yourself!

Cheating? Even if it is what you are thinking of after all what, I can easily narrate my useless experience here because the good news is that my wife would not read this nyamanyama column where everybody has been warned not to read, Chief Sherriff Abudu, CEO of Beige Assure, I salute, Sar!

My wife is only interested in meeting a group of people called Women’s fellowship at Church where they talk about the things they should do to make we, their husbands feel like babies and yet they come back home to ‘harass’ us. Our wives, contrary to what you think, we too we like to be pampered like babies more than you think o, yoo.

My late Uncle once said, he would not advise any man not to cheat on his wife. He would rather you cheat once bi p3 and nobody would tell you when to stop. In fact, I tried it and enjoyed it soo much but felt the pressures too soo much. As for me, not one or two oo, but with 6 different eyi! To be frank, Solomon tried o! That’s why he was the wisest man that ever lived. Thousand women? Whaaaat! Even one mpo, the stress you would go through er! Hmmm!

There is nothing like peace of mind if you cheat. You remember my first batch of cheating last two years when I never got caught but still suffered high blood pressure from my useless escapades?

I made a resolution last year not to cheat on my wife again. But you know, sometimes the more you swear not to indulge in some things, the more you are led by the evil spirit to do it.

My first headache was at Cape Coast Moree. She sells potatoes by the roadside and she is a single mother of two and ended her education at primary 6 but well endowed at the eyi. She would often send a message: ‘Swee tight, I am miss me you. I hope you is fain. Me too, I wann you to miss me some mwaaaa. But I’m no money and adon went to plate my hair again. But I went to luk yong so I cut my head at the barber shop near where they are sell weeee behind the KVIP. But I ned only 30 ceids and go to barber wit 5 ceids and the change, I will chop money small small’. Brofo y3 dru!

In fact, this was the type to keep. Only GHC30 but her only problem is that she doesn’t know what it means when she calls you and you pick the call and tell  her ‘please I am in a meeting; I will call you back’. She would call call call till your battery runs down. If she calls you before your wife while you are changing baby diapers and you make the mistake of picking the call and you tell her; ‘pls I am busy I will call you back’, forget it.  She would call aaaaaaaa till your Madam becomes suspicious and if you are not careful, she can collapse your marriage. ‘This thing’ is stressful o but like a woman in labour, you don’t start discussing with her when she would have the next child though she would go again!

The second trouble point was similar to Afua. You remember that girl at Tulaku? Hmmm. Afua is single and unemployed and knows how to flatter you to come to attention. Afua would go like: ‘Baby, you are the mehn,I swear Mawu; please I am feeling for Papa’s pizza. The last time you called my phone, I saw it coming through but I couldn’t pick it because my iphone screen got frozen so I just took off my chip and put it in a friend’s phone. I hope when we meet, you can take me to Odo Rice area at Circle to get the screen fixed. I heard the screen would cost me only GHC350. Luv you, Baaaby! She is the same person who can call you ten times in an hour to find out whether you have eaten. Is she so caring or rather so much of a nuisance? Her face is not fine but her backside is very encouraging, big and round. After all, what do I need the face for? It is the ‘this thing’ that matters. Ajeeei! Don’t disturb me la ah! Obiara ni ne taste! No be so? Some of us like it gbish!

The third was Amina is a fashion designer who was also taking care of her junior brother. Everyday, Amina would call me to say ‘corn dough is finished’. The day corn dough is not finished, you can be sure prepaid is finished. See one of her stressful messages: ‘Hunny, these days you keep giving too much excuse of not having money. Why hmm why? Don’t you care about my wardrobe anymore and see…Nana, my kid brother was sacked from school today for my failure to pay his fees in full’.

It is really stressful to womanise o, herh. At this point, I nearly did a mid-year resolution to stop with her and not to cheat again bcos the stress was too much but Stella came my way. I saw her walking in front of me at the mall and her purse fell and she bent down to pick it. Aishhhh! The things I saw at her back made me reverse my mid-year resolution, I swear!

She was a university student. The hostel rent I paid here er, hmmm. I dumped her too the moment I realised some other men were paying the rent for the same hostel; I was not the only bad man, after all.

Oooohhh you can trust my Ablavi. I met someone like her p3p33p3. She would never demand money from me but hmmm, she is always pregnant and always asking to go and ‘clear it’ though she would not ask for money to do so. Anytime we checked from the lab, the results would prove physically NEGATIVE. When you confront her, she would tell you it is a spiritual pregnancy. Her pastor is always telling Ablavi she would be impregnated every week by a spiritual man. I dropped this one bcos for her, everything is spiritual including mosquito bites. I used to have bad dreams and occasionally see her spiritual husband chasing me with tea bread!

Angela was just like Betty that 44-year old widow who doesn’t know how to stop talking. Angela would text: ‘Herh Mawu, why is it that nowadays you avoid my calls?I started flashing your phone since 5pm today. You didn’t mind me. I later called you at 10.30 last night and you again refused to pick the call. Is it because of your wife? Kai! That thing? I want to see you right now at the movie house near my house at Kpone barrier or else…

As for Portia who keeps threatening to tell my wife in church that I have been doing the thing with her small small on a gas cylinder in a guest house, I won’t talk about her; she is a devil.

With blood pressure shooting through the roofs after all these ‘ordeals’, do you think I need anybody to advise me to stop? Advice hardly changes man except experience! So what is the big deal if every man is permitted to cheat on his wife small bi p3? You feel it, you know it and then you stop, or reduce it! No be so? That is why me I no cheat on my wife before o! Oh true la. It is only in church that I can swear to this and get away with it but not before Nogokpo or ‘Antoinnette’! Yes o! Merry Christmas to you and Happy birthday to me. Hahaaaaaa!