One of the most devastating, destructive events that can happen to a marriage is the heartbreak left in the wake of an affair. Now that it's over - really over - you want to try to pick up the pieces. After an affair you should first ask yourself if you are serious about staying in the relationship. If you really don't want to be together, it is better to end with respect and kindness than to prolong the suffering. If you are both willing, the marriage can recover with time and patience on both of your parts. Assess the reasons for cheating You must internally examine your motivations, your reasoning, and your rationales These things don't happen in a vacuum. What caused you to stray? Was it laziness in your marriage - were one or both of you becoming complacent and bored? Were you flattered by the attention of the person you cheated with? Why would you risk everything for an affair with that person? Honestly appraising your own actions will help you avoid these triggers in the future. Apologize Sounds pretty simple, but do remember that just mumbling "Sorry" is not a good apology. Your spouse is going to be shocked beyond belief, hurt, angry and frightened. Make a sincere, heartfelt, and serious apology, right away. Ask for forgiveness, and vow never to repeat the behavior. Understand that your apology probably won't comfort your partner, but the absence of a sincere apology will do damage. Fall on your sword Once it's out in the open, do not defend yourself. Take full responsibility and don't try to deflect any of this back onto your spouse. Saying things like, "If you had just tried harder to understand me," or other stuff like that will not help you now. The time to examine the roots of your infidelity and explore it with your spouse is later. But in the first moments of discovery, the best thing for you to do if you truly want your marriage to survive is simply accept all blame. Allow time for recovery If your spouse is not inclined to forgive you immediately, you will need to accept that. Your spouse is going to need time to process the information, and get through all of the emotions and pain you've caused. It takes time - you wouldn't expect someone with a broken leg to get over it and go water-skiing with you the following weekend. Just the same way, your partner is going to need time and space and support in order to come through this ordeal whole. Provide support and assurance If you were a rather absent spouse before, you will need to change your behavior. Being present in the relationship will be key to restoring your marriage to health. Prepare to be insulted or attacked - often S/he will take a lot of shots at you. You will need to allow your partner to take those shots and not fire back, at least not in the first couple of volleys. However, don't allow this to continue for more than a couple or three remarks per episode, or to escalate. Do understand the anger and try to defuse it with nonviolent communication. If that doesn't work, say "I want to work things out. I don't want to fight, and you're just being mean now," and walk away for the time being. Your spouse may think s/he feels better after having attacked you, but verbal abuse is not healthy, and you don't want to reinforce the idea that you will forever be the "bad guy" if you want to marriage to heal. Just be patient, and don't be surprised when those insulting remarks surface. Turn the tides in a positive direction, if you can, or don't respond. Let your spouse call most of the shots for the time being Giving him or her a lot of leeway is important right now. Don't press for sex. Don't insist on a football party for Super Bowl Sunday. Don't bug him or her if s/he just wants to sit in the yard and meditate, even if you're bored to death. Go with the flow for the immediate future. Take temperature readings Instead of making a big deal of having constant "sensitive chats," just reaching over at the breakfast table, putting your hand over his or hers and saying, "How are we doing?" and motioning at both of you can let your spouse know that you are interested and concerned with whatever feelings are being processed today. If the response is, "Not that good today," just pat the hand or try to put a little kiss on the cheek with an understanding nod and say, "Okay. Let me know what you need and I'll do my best." If the response is, "Good today," then smile broadly and give your spouse a little kiss on the lips. Say, "Yay!" and suggest a date, like a walk, a trip to the beach, a picnic. You know - romantic stuff that you used to do when you were first courting. That's what you need to do again, because just as you did in the beginning, you need to win the object of your love again. Remember that you must deal with the consequences of this decision forever Trust is given easily - we fall in love and give our hearts, and we don't question whether or not the person we love is worthy of our trust. We simply trust that person with all our heart. But once you break that trust, it is fragile forever after. Think of trust as a beautiful, delicate, vase made of crystal clear blown glass. It is a marvel that something so delicate and lovely holds water, can be the vessel for the stuff of life itself, and that it can last forever if lovingly cared for. It can be broken, however, if you are careless, and though you may be able to glue it back together, you will always see the cracks. It may be able to stand on its own again, hold water, and be all it once was to both of you, but there will always be visible reminders of the break. These can serve you if you will let them - they can remind you why it is best to remain faithful and keep your vows.