It’s 3 AM and there you are, overthinking your whole relationship. You ask yourself, “Am I good in bed? Is my partner even attracted to me anymore? Is it normal to not be attracted to one’s partner?”

All of these questions, possibly triggered by the declining quality of sex in your relationship, put you on a frantic quest to figure out how to be a better lover.

Your overthinking makes sense though. After all, sexual intimacy is an incredibly important aspect of a successful relationship.

According to research, one of the major reasons for couples falling out of romantic love was the loss of intimacy. And you just don’t want to end up being that couple. The fact that you’re here, trying to find an answer to “how to be a better lover to my husband or wife or partner” shows that you care about the health of your relationship and haven’t gone down the slippery road of complacency. Well, kudos to you!

As far as keeping the spark of passion sizzling goes, don’t worry, we’ve got your back. We’re here to help you in your endeavor to up your sex game and figure out how to be a better lover in bed, backed by expert insights from sexologist Dr. Rajan Bhonsle (MD, MBBS Medicine and Surgery), who has been a certified sex therapist for over three decades.

How To Be A Better Lover – 11 Pro Tips By A Sex Therapist

Dr. Bhonsle says, “The advice on how to be a good lover differs from case to case and cannot be generalized. For example, my tips for a couple who’s having no sex in marriage would not necessarily apply to those who have disagreements over oral sex in a relationship.” So, depending on where you are at, make a note of the handy tips that are applicable to you:

1. Use the 3 Cs of communication

How to please a man in bed or how to please a woman in bed – whatever your quandary, know that the process of building intimacy begins outside the bedroom. Sex in marriage or a relationship cannot thrive unless partners are in sync with each other emotionally. For that, it’s important to understand each other and not throw tantrums at the first sight of discomfort or taunt your partner if they do not immediately provide you with something you asked for. All of this can only be facilitated through open, honest communication. Dr. Bhonsle talks about the 3 Cs of communication skills:

• Complete your sentences: Be very specific about what you want in bed. For instance, some of my clients talk about how they like long, wet French kisses whereas others prefer soft pecks. What are your preferences? And your partners? Talk about these things to find your sexual synergy
• Clear expression of needs: Clearly express your critical physical and emotional needs. Saying “Hmmmm” could mean different things. Your partner is not a mind reader who can telepathically figure out if you are upset or doubtful
• Caring communication: Your care and concern for your partner should be evident in the way you talk to them. Avoid being critical. When you say something like, “You always orgasm too soon”, you come across as an examiner, who is evaluating the other person’s performance in bed rather than a partner who shares and enjoys the experience with them

2. Find a middle path to make sure both partners’ needs are met

How to be a better lover to my wife? How can I make sex more pleasurable for my husband? How can my partner and I amp up our passion? – The answer to all of these questions boils down to making sure that both partners’ needs are taken into account and met during your intimate moments, especially when these needs are diametrically opposed.

Is cuddling after sex important for one of you while the other needs space? Does your partner prefer morning or afternoon sex and do you prefer it at night? What about your preferences in foreplay? Talking about these aspects and finding a middle ground in aspects where your needs are different is key. “One of my clients didn’t like being cuddled after sex because he was a light sleeper but his wife wanted to cuddle. This mismatch in their needs left them both feeling disgruntled. In such cases, I advise partners to meet each other mid-way, for example, cuddling for 15 minutes after sex or on weekends”.

“Similarly, some couples have disagreements over when to have sex. The man may feel more aroused in the mornings but the woman may prefer to get intimate at night. When you love someone, you keep an open mind and agree to negotiate on such things. You don’t hate their weird little habits, in fact, those are the quirks that you love and are essentially what makes your partner special,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

3. Establish the non-negotiables

How to be a good lover? Find out what your partner likes and dislikes in bed. Paying attention to the nitty gritty is very important. Dr. Bhonsle explains, “A couple I had counseled were driven to the brink of divorce just because they had failed to establish sexual boundaries in their relationship despite having been in a relationship for three years before marriage. The woman filed for a divorce because her husband wanted to try anal sex, which she found repulsive.

“While a person’s boundaries may be flexible when it comes to kissing or making out, pressuring someone to try sexual acts they’re not comfortable with can backfire. The key to figuring out how to please a woman in bed – or a man, for that matter – is to establish what’s acceptable and what’s not. Remember, the role of consent cannot be overlooked, no matter what relationship stage you’re in.”

4. Use the “I” instead of “you” language

Dr. Bhonsle talks in great detail about the “I” language in intimate relationships. He emphasizes that one should say, “I would like for you to cuddle after sex”, instead of saying, “You always run away after sex”. Similarly, instead of saying, “How can you enjoy oral sex? It’s so disgusting!”, you could say, “I don’t like/enjoy oral sex”.

He adds, “An accusatory or demeaning tone can make a person feel rejected and make them defensive. While you have every right to state your preferences and share your likes and dislikes with your partner, you must be careful in your choice of words. It’s possible to say no to sex or certain sexual acts without hurting your partner’s feelings.”

5. Orgasm is not the end goal

This is for the lover in you – intercourse doesn’t always lead to an orgasm. Dr. Bhonsle says, “If you want to become a better lover, it is necessary to realize that orgasm is not mandatory in every act. So many times, both men and women can’t orgasm during intercourse but help themselves to the big O later on. Sometimes, only one partner may orgasm during intercourse and may then stimulate the other to it.

The best way to improve the quality of sex in marriage or a relationship is to keep things as fluid and dynamic as possible and do what works best for you and your partner. Remember, there is no right or wrong way here; whatever brings you and your partner pleasure is the way to go.

6. Don’t underestimate the power of displays of affection

As we said before, the journey to figuring out how to be a better lover in bed begins outside the bedroom. If you’re struggling with no sex in marriage or a relationship, or even if you want to improve the quality of sex, you have to build on deepening your connection with your significant other.

One surefire way of doing that is to foster physical intimacy in a relationship. Dr. Bhonsle advises, “Non-sexual displays of affection such as holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and kissing are all immensely important in making two partners feel more connected and bonded to each other.” So, make an effort to make your partner feel loved outside the bedroom if you want to amp up the heat inside.

7. Slow down and enjoy your partner

This holds for foreplay as well as intercourse. People often get so swept up in the heat of the moment that they don’t take the time to savor the experience of being intimate with their partners. Changing that can be a first step toward being a better lover to your significant other.

If you are wondering “how to be a better lover to my wife/girlfriend” or “how to make sex more pleasurable for my husband/boyfriend”, this is a good place to start. Take sufficient time to explore each other’s bodies and indulge in elaborate foreplay as often as possible. If you already do that, try slowing down and savoring every moment. Look into your partner’s eyes and really enjoy making love. The secret is to anchor yourself in the present moment and really soak up the experience.

8. Try new and different positions in bed

Everyone has the right to explore, express, and experiment with what arouses, excites, and satisfies them. This is essential for building a fulfilling relationship. It is not just about the positions you enjoy but also about the ones you want to experiment with. Don’t limit yourself, based on past experiences, and be open to new things. Trust us, self-confidence is the key.

Exploring new positions becomes even more important if you or your partner is dealing with certain health issues. For instance, if your boyfriend/husband is dealing with erectile dysfunction or sexual performance anxiety, being open to experimenting in bed could be your answer to how to please a man in bed. Certain positions may help them perform better. Likewise, men can be better in bed by trying out positions that are more pleasurable for their partners.

9. Explore yours and your partner’s erogenous zones

The human body is blessed with an intriguing mix of erogenous zones and these can vary from person to person. Exploring each other’s erogenous zones and spending time working them is a surefire way of taking your sexual chemistry to the next level. From neck kissing to earlobe nibbling, from thighs to toes and back of the knees, from sucking to soft bites – there is so much room to experiment here.

If you want to learn how to be a better lover in the bedroom, begin by exploring each other’s erogenous zones in different ways. With this seemingly simple exploration of each other’s bodies, you can heighten the intensity of sexual interactions exponentially.

10. Surprise them with new elements

Intimacy in the bedroom is more than just foreplay and sex, and you cannot finish learning how to be a better lover unless you work on the different crucial elements that set the tone for desire and passion in the bedroom. If you are wondering “how to be a better lover to my husband” or “how to get my wife in the mood”, then these tips from relationship and intimacy coach Shivanya Yogmayaa might help you:

• Dress up, smell sexy and date each other as strangers again
• Take a bubble bath or shower together
• Blindfold and undress each other
• Tease your partner with a strip dance

11. Savor each part of intimacy in the bedroom

Before you start the act, truly connect with each other. Experimenting with non-sexual touches such as giving each other body massages can be relaxing and help couples reconnect more intimately than just engaging in sex. Play on some lounge music and light candles as you pamper each other. Now that you have enjoyed the shower, the body massage, the strip dance, the teasing, the foreplay, and the mind-blowing sex, savor the next part as well.

Once you are done with the act, do not immediately think about dressing up or going to sleep. Spend some time cuddling instead. The moments after sex are the most honest and vulnerable ones. Spend those moments lying in the arms of your partner, mindlessly caressing their hair or body, and talk to them. If you are not big on talking, then spend those moments in silence, but make sure you savor that time together.

Key Pointers

• To be a better lover to your partner, you need to understand them and their needs – both emotional and sexual
• Clearly state your non-negotiables and set sexual boundaries early on
• Use “I” statement to express your needs to your partner
• Do not fixate on stereotypes notions of what good sex ought to be like; whatever works for you and your partner is the way to go
• Prioritize non-sexual displays of affection to deepen your bond
• Keep surprising your partner with new elements and exploring each other’s bodies to keep the passion sizzling

Our final thoughts could use a light note, with some age-old nuggets of advice from How to be a good lover, a book edited by Bodleian library, “Don’t attempt kissing in a canoe unless you are both able to swim and don’t kiss your lover with your hat still on your head.” Jokes aside, as long as you don’t lose your curiosity toward your partner, you will find newer ways to connect with them.