If you ask me what attracts me most to a guy, I won’t think twice before I say his height. I adore tall men. I love them with muscles too. It’s no wonder it took me so long to notice our new bassist. During ministrations (I am in the church choir), I would feel someone staring at me. I followed the gaze one day and realized it was him, the bassist. He turned out to be a short guy so I ignored him with passion.

Our church organised a program and that was when our paths crossed. After speaking to him I was wowed, “I think he is kinda cool”, I said to myself as I gave him my number. He didn’t call nor text me but each time we met in church we exchanged pleasantries. One night I saw a text on my WhatsApp, it was from him. I replied and soon our conversation caught fire. He told me a lot of things about himself. He told me he had been dating a certain girl for twelve years. A part of me jerked.

Our conversation moved from WhatsApp to phone calls. In our fourth month of friendship, I went to his house for the first time. He casually mentioned one morning as we spoke that he was going to buy food and I offered to cook for him instead. He took me up on my offer and that was how I ended up in his house. My culinary skills shocked him. He said, “I didn’t expect you to be this good.” Maybe the meals I cooked made him remember the ones he ate from his mother’s kitchen. He opened up to me in a way I didn’t expect. He talked about the turmoil in his relationship and how he wished things would turn around for good. The two of us became emotional and ended up kissing each other.

We became inseparable after that day. I was as single as a dollar bill and except for his girlfriend that he said he was having problems with, everything was cool. I saw a flicker of happiness in his demeanor after the kiss. His girlfriend’s absence didn’t seem to affect him as much because he had me showering him with all the care and attention he needed.

At some point, we came to an agreement to quit whatever was going on between us. He had a relationship to salvage and my presence in his life wasn’t helping to make things easier. Yes, things were not going on well between them but he loved his girlfriend and wanted to make things work. We agreed to part but before the sun could set, we were back together. We tried again. This time we agreed not to be intimate. We would only remain friends—just friends and nothing more. It was hard for me to say yes to such an agreement but I had to. It looked like my love for him wasn’t enough for him to forget about his girlfriend.

At first, I was ok Being his friend. Then I wanted more of him than just mere friendship. Everything in me said, “Girl, it’s ok to walk away,” but I didn’t. I stayed around him. I convinced myself that one day he’ll come back to his senses and know that his girlfriend isn’t the woman he should give his love to. He’ll one day realize I’m the best bet and when that day comes, he’ll leave everything and come to me.” I believed what his friends told him when he introduced me to them as his new friend. They said, “It looks like you love this one. It shows in the way you look at her.” He realized I was there for him so whenever he had a fight with her girlfriend, he would run to me, rant the issues to me and to make him happy, I would allow myself to get intimate with him.

I became his rebound sex partner. On the days when he felt low, I was the one he rushed to to get high.  When he fought with his girlfriend and needed to feel like the man that he was, I was the one he came to to express the height of his masculinity. When all went dim in his life, he ran to me knowing very well that I would hold a torch for him. At some point, I got tired of giving him my all and not got anything back so I said to myself, “No…Never would I avail myself for his carnal desires. It stops here and now.” The very next day around 1am he called me. He was crying. He said he needed me. He said he was down and needed someone to talk to. After the call, I couldn’t sleep. The next morning, I was in his house. He said, “She left me again. She found someone else”. He wept. He said he was done trying to make things work between them. That morning, I gave it to him. It was intense. What we had that morning couldn’t be compared to anything we’ve ever done. It was my best shot at love-making. I said to myself, “Victory at last. He’s all mine now.”

I asked him not to put a tag on us while he healed from his relationship. I knew how hard it was for him so I wasn’t going to pressure him. I saw him trying so hard to love me but I knew better. I knew he was using me to forget about his girlfriend. Some days he was vulnerable with me. He would plead that I don’t leave him and promise to get over her completely and be mine. They say time heals all wounds right? I prayed it healed him too.

Months passed but his pains didn’t go away. He became bitter and got angry over little things. I wanted a man, not a broken piece. It broke my heart to see him suffer and waste away so I did something I never thought I could do. I sent his ex a text. I begged her to return to him. I told her how miserable he was without her. She said, “I’ll see what I can do.” She took her time but she finally accepted to go back to him. They reconciled and started afresh.

Everything was going on well. He was happier than I had seen him in a very long while. When he came complaining about her again, I decided not to listen. Last year November through to 1st of January, they were fighting. I spent my 31st December with him and his girlfriend. It didn’t feel right but he insisted I should be there. On the 1st of January, we went out with some friends and came back drunk. We made love—again. I snuck out the next morning before he could wake up. He called angry that I left without telling him.

 One Monday morning, he called me to see him after work. I did and that was when he dropped the bomb, “I’m taking my relationship to the next step. We are scheduling a day for me to go to her family and do an introduction.”

My heart was wrecked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing but what cold I do? I had wasted a year of my life loving someone I should have ran from. My relationship with him was no different from dating a married man. The worse part is, I stupidly remained faithful to him. In my mind, I had him and didn’t need anyone. That announcement spelt the end to whatever existed between us. I guess he finds the kind of love he wants in that lady. I pray I find love too. For now, all I can do is move on and allow my heart to heal. The next time you hear from me, I will be telling you about my Mr. Right.

—Bims, Nigeria