Gizard from turkey?

It is only in Ghana that someone eats lunch worth GHC45 at a restaurant and no one passes a comment. The same person who has just finished eating this sumptuous meal with fruit juice sees you eating bread with koke and exclaims: ‘ei Charlie, life dey bii give you o; see how you dey chill’! The irony of life! How much is bread and koke compared with GHC45 worth of restaurant food and fruit juice?… yet!

Anyway the good bad news is that the junk food eaters who think they are ‘chopping berther’ and would hardly fall sick may have a problem they have no idea about. Those of us who take pride in the fact that ‘as for me, I don’t remember the last time I visited the hospital; an indication that you are healthier than those of us who frequent the hospitals, you should start crying o, even if you constantly exercise your body…in bed.

Some of the people I know who ‘left too soon’ are some of those who think some of us are ‘sicklers’ because we take delight in going to the hospital too much. Sometimes it’s not because we are sick o but because we want to do check-up and be sure everything is fine and if not, we check our lifestyles. Our liver function, cardiac something something, FBS, blood sugar, blood pepper, blood ginger and ECG must ne okay. Ei the first time I was asked by my doctor to go and do ECG, I am sure you can guess where I went to oo, hahahahaa. They drove me away with the paper the doctor gave me to go and do the ECG. I even went there with a prepaid card! Hmmm!

If you fail to do medical check-ups please note that a native doctor from my hometown told me that the first and the most important symptom of heart attack is death! Case close!

Self-medication champions di33, hmmm. Headache and you rush to the ‘draw-store’ instead of going to the nearest hospital for a check-up. Headaches are only a symptom of something happening in your body somewhere. Like I said before, when your fire alarm bell rings, don’t go and switch it off in order that it does not disturb you. Look for where there is a possible fire. Stopping an unknown ailment with self medication can be dangerous o, yooo. I am now talking to myself la! 

Be there and be doing paan-paan that you are healthy. When you are not lucky and gone too soon (God forbid), your siblings won’t mind your children o; after all, they have not finished taking care of their own children. Even the house you sacrificed to build for them, your siblings may want to snatch it from your wife and children. The annoying thing is that there would always be some available men who would want to do the needful to your widow and as you are in your grave, you have no control o, yoo! You see people eating small fufu with plenty meat after which they take cold drink on top and think they are the best people in town. Sadly it is the innocent witches and wizards at work who would take the blame for ‘killing’ them in case they pass on suddenly!

I was at one such funeral of a 36-year-old relation before and everyone knew what killed the young man – late eating and excessive intake of the thing yet before his casket was covered to put a small axe in his hands to  revenge whoever killed him, spiritually. I am sure that is the reason akpeteshie fears no axe! 

Go for check-ups and stop those ‘too known things’ that ‘as for me, I am always healthy and so no need for doctor’. You probably have not seen a slim lanky person with high cholesterol and high blood pressure before er? Foli, You think it’s only those of us with fat bellies that do? Yoo. Keep deceiving yourself and don’t go for check-up. Even Donn Little, my favourite diminutive actor goes for check-ups and jogging!

Anyway congratulations to the USD University for such awesome research that exposed the salmonella thing at some fufu joints in some parts of the country. What confused me in their report was where they stated that they sampled gizzards from turkey. I was confused because I didn’t know which of the turkeys. Because turkey, the bird has gizzards too or? They said they sampled 20 out of the 39 cold stores which sell gizzards in the main metropolis and were able to get gizzard from some cold stores and out of which some of them were from turkey and the good news was that after the test, none tested positive! Hurrayyyy! The way I like gizzard with fried yam paa er, hmmm!

Have you ever seen two ladies walking together and laughing and one of them appeals to your taste? You want to make a move but afraid that if she ‘bounces’ you, the other one will laugh. Often it is the ugly one that will start laughing at you.

Have you seen an antelope momentarily blinded by the headlights of an oncoming vehicle? That is what this column is doing to you now, I guess. Confused abi? Everything here make chakaaa…manyaaaa!

This is an advice to girls who are my taste. They should walk alone. That one my boldness is strengthened. Don’t spoil your market with friends who would spoil your market. What if your taste refuses to give you her number? Wouldn’t her friend laugh at you?

I tried my luck recently when I stopped by to talk to a lady walking with her friend at Osu and my worst fears came to pass – she said she doesn’t give her phone number out to guys as ugly as me la. Ala! I was embarrassed bcos her friend started laughing! Hell broke lose when in my attempt to drive away, my car engine stopped due to low battery which I had had to jam start before going to town with the car. As for cars and where they can leave you er, hmmm!

In the 1990s I used to assist my uncle in a drawstore where people come with all sorts of complaints. One came with catarrh and what I gave him looked like a catarrh medicine and in the end, it turned out to be a purgative with aphrodisiac component as bonus!

The only aphrodisiac that fails men is ‘allow cashh out’. He would faint right now and lose interest.

I recently bought one such aphrodisiac concoction that was said to have the ability to cure every disease including witchcraft. I took it to solve a stomach upset and could not sleep the whole night.

I just love the name ‘Nii’ and love it even more now especially when a friend asked me to precede my name with ‘Nii’. How? It was then he explained to me my attitude towards life – ‘Nothing Is Impossible (Nii)’. Is it not true that every Ga man is a Nii and every Ga woman is a Naa? I am yet to see any Ga person called Kwesi, Akos, Yaw and Kwame o. Or they don’t like the Ju, Jufor, Hor, Horgba, Shor, Shorgbaa and So names? Hahaaaa!

Oh that reminds me of the Ga names of months of the year. Aharabata (January), Ab3ibe (February), Otsokrikri, Agbi3na, Anton, Manayawale, Otukwajan, etc.

I wish you the best of the weekend as there are too many funerals this weekend – I have 4 to attend! It is good to fix funerals at the end of every month so that people can do the needful. But trust me, there are some people who would not give tiiin even if you put the money in their hands to go and donate at funerals. Why are some people like that han? Meanwhile they are the people who rush for malt and take-away packs during funerals o, sometimes funeral brochures.

Have fun this weekend and ‘play’, but don’t play – with your lives! Amen