‘Hello Kofi, please speak louder. I can’t hear you bcos there is background in the noise’ Hello. Did you say ‘No problem’? Some people paaa. Why are they so soaked in the San 7 model that they don’t even know which expression fits what. I asked a guy at Tema yesterday to give me direction to a washroom. I came back to say THANK YOU to him and guess his response: ‘Oh no problem’. Who says thanking somebody has ever been a problem? ‘No problem, sÔ‘sÔ‘n?’

Even at Anunmle 3 Primary School in 1983 when hunger nearly strangled me to death, I was taught that if someone says ‘Thank you’, the response should be ‘You are welcome’ or if the teacher teaching had schooled in the 1960’s, he or she was likely to tell you the response is ‘No Mention’ but you say THANK YOU to someone and the person’s response is ‘Oh No Problem’. Wey kan problem? Ah!

Yes, yes, yes, I have a problem o - please o, what is happening to our internet data in recent times? Or is it because of the harmattan? Hmmm!

Be on good terms with your relatives o and maybe some of your friends too or else when you are 90 years old and you are gone too soon, the heading to your obituary will be ‘AT LONG LAST’.  Worst of all is when your tribute is being compiled into a brochure. They would write in it how you were hardworking and had to keep writing your O’ Level English 16 times before finally getting admission to read RSA Stage 10! Don’t think it’s a compliment but it’s an indirect revenge to let the world know how academically weak you were not just in your school days but in life. It is an indirect free kick to tell people that you were the never give up type…It’s a lie o; it’s a trick and a subtle way of ridiculing you o, yoo. The unfortunate thing is that you would have no control over what they put in the brochure. While alive, you continue to go round doing too known on your relatives. They would eventually determine what goes into the brochure.

The last funeral I attended showed how Togbi Akonnor does not joke with the bottle and that he was such a disciplinarian that before gulping down two tots of the harmless looking quiet gin, he would issue a caution statement reminding the liquid to go down and stay calm as there are ‘people’ in there before ‘him’. You think it’s a compliment er. It’s to let people know that the cause of death is akpeteshie and excessive intake. Finish!

Ei I heard this before o and it looks like it’s true o; when you attend funerals in some villages in our part of the world, you don’t have to keep your alcoholic drink in your left hand o. I learnt by so doing, you want to prove to the village folks that you are more powerful than them spiritually and they would try you spiritually. It happened to someone in my presence o; he took it disregarding the warning. He is still ‘running ten days after the funeral! Beware o. Africa we dey o, yoo! We were the first to start wifi and skype in case you didn’t know.

A cow gives birth once in a year and a pig gives birth to as many as 16 or more yet pig meat is scarcer than cow meat, How come? Happy farmers Day!

Ehern, that reminds me. I had a dream yesterday afternoon that there was a referendum as to whether we should legalise polygamy or not and on the day of voting, every man abandoned work to come and vote…even side chicks formed a long queue to vote ‘YES’. Did you know that some side chicks wish you, sorry, I mean ‘we’ actually get married to them? Ablavi has started addressing me: Nye Apetor’ (my husband). Hmmm! Trust me those who did not vote were women who complained about their husbands’ f**lishness’ yet still want to possess us fully. SÔ‘sÔ‘n? Ah! So at the end of the dream, the results were announced, POLYGAMY or NO POLYGAMY and your guess is as good as the title of this ‘useless’ abstract – 99.99% voted YES for Polygamy to be a ‘full-time job’!  

I know some people have started insulting me in their heads already. Those who support me are the ‘real’ men and the various side chicks associations. All men are polygamists o except me. Hahahahaa! Ajeei! Thank God we are not in the days of Ananias and Saphira or else by now after saying this true lie….hmmm! God forbid! Officially all ‘responsible’ men have one but unofficially….uncountable. The irony here is that those ladies who migrate from being side chicks into wives suddenly condemn polygamy. That is selfishness o, or? But if you are a husband or something that looks like that and you want to officially marry more than one, then check their menstrual cycles and be sure they are not the same. That is if your motivation for having more ‘enjoyment’ is because of the distin. If not, abeg, just ‘eat by the way side’ like that but make sure you use a ‘sanitiser’ or ‘bullet-proof’ things as the HIV rate is getting me scared.

It is only those men who are not ‘okay’ down there who may be insulting me in their heads right now otherwise all men excluding me are polygamists. In fact we are the target market for aphrodisiac companies. But wait a minute… do you think those aphrodisiacs are used at home? Just bcos of GHC50 mobile money you gave that 22 year old girl, you want to go and ‘punish’ her for nothing because you want to impress her and start having heart problems from the aphrodisiac intake.

So tomorrow is Farmers’ Day and Mrs Sarah Baptista Gebu, wife of my Gyamfi House Dorm Mate, Philip Gebu, you see you have no idea how the food you are eating gets to you? When last did you say a prayer for a farmer against snake bites and unreliable rainfall patterns that could affect their yield? Pray for farmers o. Like I keep saying nowadays, either for shegey reasons or for whatever reasons, almost every professional, instead of doing some backyard gardening is rather thinking of becoming a lawyer. If all of us are lawyers, who would feed who? Even the Agric Scientist in my village wants to be a lawyer. I think we should have a Happy Lawyers Day and you would see how hunger would finish us if all the farmers decide to also lay down their tools and become lawyers.

You want to wear coat and wig so that who should do the cassava, plantain fufu for you to come and say that ‘as for me I like my fufu soft with bordi3 in it’. Do you know how the bordi3 is cultivated and yet you want to be a lawyer at all cost. Must everyone be a lawyer by force? Even a shoe shine boy I know wants to be a lawyer. He is not thinking of becoming the best shoe shine boy who changed the world through shoe shining o. I don’t know why but this whole thing about relegating agriculture and manufacturing to the background by some individuals and concentrating on Law, Oil and Gas is some way.

One of the easiest ways to rip the youth off nowadays is to set up a small school in some container and call it ‘Ataku Institute of Oil and Gas’ and people would troop to your school and will be ready to pay any fees. Is it the oil that you will drink or the gas that you would inhale that would keep you going? Come and see my farm at Afram Plains and you would understand how exciting farming can be.

Who should do the farming for you to come and eat and be putting it to people? We are all going into farming one way or the other to support the farmers. Or we should rather get the soldiers to come and help us to inspect whether we have back yard gardens or not? If not, they do the ‘needful’ by taking you to Gonja Badacks for lunch’ Hahaaa! Some of us like food too much but don’t know how it comes to us. You go talk true! Hahaaaaa!

Farming is nice o. Do you remember how I had to cut down a pawpaw tree in my father’s backyard garden when I was a little boy? You see, the pawpaw was ripe but knowing I could not climb the tree, the solution was only one – that is to cut down the tree and get my fruits and be free. But later when I was growing up, I realised my f**lishness and regret it up till now. My apologies to all farmers oo as I wish myself Happy Farmers’ Day, I mean ‘women farmer’. Hahaaaaaaa!