‘Krekete soya…krekete soya…my friend little drum…krekete soya’. Ooohhhh those days in Class 5 at Anunmle 3 Primary School. Kwabina Kwabina, you remember? I am not feeling well in my pocket oo, and so is my laptop so today, all I will write will have nothing to do with Christmas. Abi you chop am finish. From November 15^th 2019, traffic everywhere in town all in the name of Christmas. You think everyday be Christmas. It’s time for scholl fees! Hurraaaayyyyy! Next time learn to pay your kids’ school fees in advance before you spend your money on ice cream and goat meat light soup!

I heard Mr Fred Ammugi is 70 something years old already o. How time flies! In spite of all the great movies he’d featured in as a lead character, none beats my favourite which was produced in the mid 1990’s or so: ‘WHO KILLED NANCY?’ You remember that fim? One of the best Ghanaian movies ever, according to me o. I had the opportunity of becoming his friend a couple of years ago and he pumped some wisdom into this my ‘useless’ head er. He advised myself and Foster Romanus that: “the day you begin to see yourself as a hero in whatever you do, that will be the beginning of the end of whoever you think you are”. True or False, I have chosen ‘True’ and I will never forget this advice from the Veteran Actor and one time President of the Ghana Actors’ Guild! Uncle Fred, happy new year o! 

Ei, look at me too oo. Me too I be doctor. It’s very easy in Ghana to have your name preceded by the title ‘Dr’. Just google a non-existent school somewhere at Abudi! Yeeeei, talk of Abudi reminds me of Ablavi oo. She attended Abudi Girls and was sacked in form 4 for singing ‘Adwoa yeeei, Adwoa yeei…gbangban…‘Adwoa yeeei, Adwoa yeei…gbangban…Adwoa sori y3nkor soldier something something……’ and she was fired. Though she didn’t finish her secondary education there, she has all the qualities of Abudiss girls. She can use one sachet of pure water to bath, cook, paste, clean and to wash her clothing. Water Economics is on their curriculum. H3333r! I doff my heart for all Abudiss girls. Great great water Managers. It still amazes me why no one from that school has ever become the CEO of Ghana Water Company! I regret not marrying Ablavi oo. My ‘Problem’ I have at home attended Keta Senior High where water is in abundance. She can use a Rambo 300 polytank-full of water to prepare eko-egbe-mi for me alone! Aaaoooo. My water bill keeps rising bcos of the training this girl had in a ‘waterlogged’ area school.  

See oo, unless I forget! This same wife of mine caught me yesterday oo. Ei! I was just lucky to have dished out a good lie. I got home late and while removing my boxer shorts, she saw tissue around my ‘this thing’. I wanted to lie spontaneously and, yes I did. Surprised, she asked what the tissue was doing there and guess my response, as usual: ‘I want to change my religion so I am practising how to pray at the eyi so after urinating, I washed my ‘this thing’ and used tissue to wipe the water hence the remnants of the tissue’. Dasorrr! Heeeei! Though she doubted me, she had no reason but to believe my defence! If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer. Ajeeeeeei! Let your wife catch you red-handed inside the ‘thing’. She would still insist: ‘don’t tell me it is true’. My friend, lie, just lie…it makes them happier. Some of them don’t like the truth o. You keep going round round and be saying communication is key in every successful realtionship. Yooo! Go ahead and tell your wife ‘my side chic said she needed money to do her hair and since I could not get her the money, she said she won’t give it to me again’. Give what to you? Abi it’s communication you want? Go ahead! hahaaa!

There is always a difference between a small rat and a big mouse! A salvation army Brigadier-General is certainly different from a Burma Camp one.

Like I have said before, I wonder why you would choose to name your dog ‘Tiger’ if you can actually get the real tiger if that is what you really want.

I have a ‘useless’ friend who was so desperate to get married. Anytime it got close to exchanging the rings, something happened – the woman would either back out or there would be a discovery of an unpleasant magnitude. He once suggested his liking for the wedding ring. He was not bothered about the necessary permissible troubles in this ‘marriage industry’.

He was compelled to do the unthinkable – to wear the wedding ring like that. After all nobody would know he is not married. What matters is that society would recognize the fact that he is married and that comes with some unnecessary respect. No be so? I still wonder who he is deceiving, perhaps himself.

Having a PhD has never come with ease not even in contemporary times though gonglo-able! Many people are carried away by this title and often get the slightest opportunity to attach it to their names.

Anybody who sees the title preceding my name Dr. Zogbenu would have one impression about me – it’s either I am faking it or maybe it’s true. In such a case, I will be the only one I may be deceiving. Whatever you say you are on your CV, can be typed. ‘Excellent interpersonal and communication skills with the ability to work under pressure’ when you struggle to even put on a smile. Trust me, it is never difficult to see the true identity of an imposter wearing a military uniform. Even the way he would walk can give him away as not a true soldier.

Paradoxically, many of those who really earned the doctorate title through the torture of research hardly want to use the title. Good day oo, Dr. Rafique Daudi of Metropolitan Ghana. This friend of mine is amazingly selfless, extremely knowledgeable and when it comes to administrative skills in Management, OMG! These are the people who write business stuff and you would be wondering why he is not a Professor yet. Dr. Daudi…I simply don’t know how to describe you! I am sure he doesn’t like what I am doing to him here because he prefers to be on the quiet and does not even want people to know he has attained such academic heights but unfortunately for him, he is my friend and me and my okro mouth ….hahahahahahahaa!

Ei, it just occurred to me oo; when was the last time you went to the post office, bought a postage stamp and used your ‘useless’ saliva to stick it to a letter? I am only asking oo, ah! What is it that you haven’t heard before? Times have changed paaa, I suwear!

If you have ever gone through what is called ‘brain massage’, you’d probably know that to be called a ‘Dr’ just by being socially and economically conspicuous is about 10 million times far away!

Please oo, some of our seli…something something brity and pastors in society, abeg, drop that yam because we know you don’t have tinnnnn! You bore? No vex oo. If you want it, go study for it er! Dasorrrr!

Please the boys and girls graduates who have been writing things on their CV’s they download from the internet should stop deceiving themselves. Imagine one whose CV had on it ‘To become an international pilot flying across the globe in the next five years – my objective’. This is someone applying for the position of a Procurement Officer. What has this got to do with piloting? Piloting what? It is very easy to google and type anything in junks o! Be yourself and you would get that job with ease.

Please don’t call me ‘Dr’ because I am not; I am ‘Mr’ at most. You can call me Dorkita. After all, my uncle who has never stepped in the classroom calls himself Dorkita because he claims he was a doctor of women with 3 wives all of whom left him before he died because they discovered his true identity!

Pick a form, go to school and stop that thing! Even Jesus knows you should not be called Rev Dr Prof Potomanto! He will be angry because you are not being sincere with yourself. Jesus Christ is a life patron of the Vandal City – Truth Stands!

Happy New Year again! If you like, say ‘many happy returns’….hahaaaa!