Once upon a time, I worked in the corporate world. And in this corporate world, one of my daily assignments became finding a way to keep my sanity in an evermore stressful landscape.

I had stress relievers, close friends whose mere appearance would lower my blood pressure to a decent level. Or who would call, and the sound of a voice would make my white blood cell count stabilise instantly. Or who would barge into my office, rip off an item of clothing and throw themselves....okay, okay, that last one was in a dream!

But I couldn't depend on truly wonderful friends to keep me sane.

I discovered that, by surrounding myself with inanimate objects that made me smile or laugh, I could actually detach myself for a few precious seconds from what was going on around me.

And so over the years, I accumulated all sorts of stuff that I came to consider 'icebreakers'. Stuff which would immediately attract a person's attention when they first entered my office. From a Newton's Cradle to a 4-monkey statuette, to a McDonald's squeezy ball from Dubai, to several aircraft, to several items that could only be described as 'thingys' because I wasn't sure what to call them. A visitor to my office would usually spend a minute or two talking about the said object and the 'ice' would be broken.

They caught my attention as well when I was feeling stressed out, and they made me smile, and they made me tune out for a moment or two. But even more than these thingys were the little cards or paper plaques that I adorned my walls with. Some were really old sayings, some were not exactly edifying, some were downright trashy, and a few inspirational ones slipped through.

I remembered them recently and I decided to share these nuggets of wisdom with you.

Don't Just Stand There; Undo Something! - no one ever obeyed this command.

I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want? - no one ever answered this question.

Why Is There So Much Month Left At The End Of The Money? - this became an anthem wherever I placed it.

Hard Work Never Killed Anyone But Why Take The Chance? - I stopped taking the chance....

Think Of A Number Between 1 And 10. You Lose! Take Your Clothes Off! - they never did!

Those Of You Who THINK You Know Everything Are Annoying Those Of Us Who DO - enough said.

I Smile Because I Have No Idea What Is Going On - all the time!

Warning: Chocolate Can Make Your Clothes Shrink! - and I tried to prove this every blessed day.

I Only Swear When It Slips Out - true!

We Are The Willing, Led By The Unknowing, Doing The Impossible, For The Ungrateful - a business philosophy?

Oh God Lead Me Not Into Temptation For I Can Find It Myself - I'm still searching.

I'd Quit This Job, But I Need The Sleep! - but I tried very hard not to snore.

One Day, You Never Know, It May Be Fun To Work Here - I waited so long that I left.

Tell Me Again How Lucky I Am To Work Here...I Keep Forgetting - and forgetting....and forgetting...

Warning: I Have An Attitude And Know How To Use It! - actually, I channelled the attitude into the sleep...

I Believe A Balanced Diet Is A Piece Of Chocolate In Each Hand - very balanced, especially if one hand has milk chocolate and the other dark chocolate.

Bald Is Beautiful. God Made Only A Few Perfect Heads. The Others He Covered With Hair - you know yourselves.

Disaster Area - some wise guys wanted to borrow this one to hang outside the 'real' disaster areas in the company.

The Number One Cause Of Divorce Is Marriage - some wise married people wanted to steal this one to send to their partners.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship. One Night Only! Apply Here - some idiots left their application letters, but for some strange reason, they were never contacted.

May The Fleas Of 1000 Camels Infest The Crotch Of The Person That Screws Up Your Day And May Their Arms Be Too Short To Scratch...Amen - I am assured that this is a real prayer, sorry, curse.

It's Been Monday All Week - seriously, some jobs felt like it was Monday from my first day till I left!

I Had Beans For Lunch. You've Been Warned! - a very timely warning indeed, but I never carried out the pictorial threat.

And this Office Timetable was my favourite:

9:00 Starting Time

9:30 Arrive

9:45 Coffee Break

11:00 Work Break

11:15 Prepare For Lunch

12:00 Lunch

2:45 Afternoon Work Break

3:00 Tea Break

4:00 Prepare To Go Home

4:30 Go Home

5:00 Closing Time

I tried very hard to stick to it....but....finding tea at 3 pm was always a problem!

I sincerely hope you have realised that I did not have ALL these on my walls ALL the time. They were present intermittently over the 28 years I worked in the corporate world. I wish I could remember the very first one I put up on a wall.

I had some naughty Dutch postcards which I was never brave enough to display, thank God. And there are a couple I would have to describe to you in detail for them to make any sense. For example, the one that says No Banging. Or the one with 2 very well dressed gentlemen in a train compartment that says, "Excuse me sir....have you just f**ted?" "Of course I have....do you think I always smell like this?" Oh wait, and I had a boob chart which I produced on demand. So many women wanted to find themselves on that chart...I had to physically restrain some of them from....it's still available you know.

And how could I forget, the framed picture of me at my first graduation, with a card at the front that says, For This, I Went To College?

Of course, the best icebreakers in my office were the ever-present chocolate, candy, soda....and cake. But that's another story for another time.

I've actually added a couple of things since I became self-employed: a tiny VC-10 aircraft and a Jaguar E-type, as well as a miniature shopping trolley (don't ask). And on the walls, apart from the Achimota and Arsenal banners:

I Don't Need Google; My Wife Knows Everything - a sign of an afraid man!

Some Days, The Best Thing About My Job Is That My Chair Spins - it does you know, at top speed!

And I have fridge magnets too....like: Young At Heart (Other Parts Slightly Older). We'll investigate that later....but they are still on a fridge somewhere.