I will be attending the funeral of very wicked uncle of mine tomorrow. He was so wicked on earth that if I fail to attend his funeral, I can predict what could happen; he can come back to life and will not give me peace. Stay there and don’t come back here o, Tordia Ganyaglo!

Hey, my big brother Dr Abraham Zogbenu, of the University of Ghana, abeg tomorrow February 17 be your birthday o, in case you have forgotten. With your very low cholesterol and normal blood pressure since you don’t eat at night, I know you are guaranteed good health already unlike me whose stomach is now like a case5 football bcos of late night eating and no exercise! At age 54 tomorrow, I am wondering why my brother’s cholesterol is still low with normal blood pressure compared with mine at age 42. Shegelegey, God bless you o but your matter hard too much! Hahaaa!

That year’s Valentine’s Day fell on a Saturday. I was on trek somewhere in the Central Region with my driver. Then in the night, we decided to drive around town and also to drink apio. At about 7:12pm, standing by the road side was this pretty girl with big back as sumptuous as ‘food for thought’ for Vals Day nokofio!

Adventurous as I was, anything with a popped up back was ‘meat’ for me. My driver, another bad man was giving me vim and fans. I stopped by to say hi to the lady with ‘evil’ intentions. That trek was going to take me through the weekend so a good time to enjoy.

With her voluptuous back and irresistible frontal guards, she sat in front in her white straight dress. My driver started swallowing saliva and I warned him to look straight! I asked the girl to join me at the back seat and she obliged.

We had a brief chat and I asked where she was headed and she indicated Dakuwa. I offered to take her there since we were strangers in town and I would love her to keep me company. I asked her if she has a date for Vals Day. She rather expressed oblivion about the day as she didn’t seem to know Vals Day was the following day. I told her I would like to spend the February 14 night with her. She smiled; strangely she didn’t want to look me in the face. I reckoned that she might be feeling shy. I pulled her head on to rest on my laps and feeling was yiiiiiii. The perfume she used smelt nicely but strangely. She resisted my attempt at kissing her. The fifth limb in between my thighs started ‘misbehaving’. Bad mind has come to mind!

At that material moment, I could have done the ‘this thing’ right there if I didn’t have a driver with me since the place was a forest area and dark. She promised me s kiss ‘tomorrow’. Excitement be what! Then on the way to Dakuwa, she asked to alight and that was around 7.58pm. I insisted on taking her to Dakuwa but she insisted getting down at that particular spot. Well, I gave in and we exchanged contacts but she wrote my number on a piece of paper. I saved hers on my phone straight away. She is called Maabena.  I told my driver, ‘I ‘go chop this girl p3333’ and he (my driver) gave me encouragement and even advised me to call her that night to start the pre-Vals Day enjoyment if only she would agree to spend the night with me in my hotel room. My only doubt was that she said she was an only child and her parents would not allow her to spend the night outside home. I tried to call to tell her I was ‘missing her already’ (edwaman anthem at first sight) but her phone was off!

My driver and I left for a nearby town to drink tea and fried eggs with bread. It was close to a place where a wake-keeping was taking place. The tea seller prepared my tea first while I had sent my driver to get me recharge card so I can call her and talk the whole night.

I was about taking my first sip of the hot tea when my driver ran to me shaking and panting. He asked me to drop the tea and come and see something. I told him I was hungry and needed to eat first. By then, the wake keeping was on-going. Then he held me by the left hand and got me closer to an electric pole and asked me to look at the obituary posted on the pole. I almost fainted. I paid a closer look and OMG, it was Maabena’s picture with the same red lipstick I had wanted to kiss not long ago.

 My driver was still shivering though he wanted to laugh at me at some point. I didn’t believe it. Conspicuously, we could see where a body was laid in state. I approached it and Lord God have mercy! Edwaman nogood o, my brother. Whaaaaat! I’d never imagined these things were real.

Abeg, the feeling was not one that you can imagine o. Please stop imagining it. I was getting frozen though sweating in my armpits. My driver ran away without knowing where he was going.

I took a closer look at the lips of the corpse laid in state and wondered if that was not the same lips I attempted kissing less than an hour earlier. Me, Volta boy, fear? I didn’t fear anything o but rather ghost pimples were all over me. What made me believe the girl I had struck acquaintance with was a ghost was that the smell from the place she was laid was exactly the same as her perfume. We were told the family did not lay her in a room bcos she had drowned and that was considered a bad death which was a bad omen and for that matter she was to be laid in state in the open.

I could not sleep that night in my hotel room behind which there was a thick forest just about 12 kilometers away from Dakuwa. Look, these things are real o. I fell sick with my lips becoming sore ‘all over my body’. Nothing was more horrifying that night than the smell of her perfume on my body bcos I pulled her to put her head on my laps all bcos of the ‘this thing’s intentions. Even after taking my bath, I could still smell it. Kai!

I was rushed to Accra that Saturday dawn and sent to a fetish priest who narrated what I had gone through in the hands of a ghost even though I had not told him about my encounter with Maabena. Akpeteshie was splashed on my face to cleanse me. I was made to drink some. ‘The ghost was angry’, the fetish priest said.

So you believe these unnecessary lies? Hmmm. You have a problem.

Sin fascinates and assassinates. Flee, my brother, my sister! Valentine’s Day is supposed to make you eat a lot of golden tree chocolate and that will give you power to ‘eat’ only your wife and not other people’s future wives or else na ghost you go become o, yoo.

Happy weekend, Mr Andrews Ahiaku of Barclays Bank, I don’t know your branch sef! Hahaaaa!