You remember Ijebu? That my friend who wrote WASSCE Maths for many years without passing? Every year that he wrote Maths, he failed; in fact failing was his hobby! His permanent grade was ‘F’. He gave up eventually. Even the year he gave up and decided not to write again, WAIC still sent him results slip and guess what; it was an ‘F’. WAIC knew he would definitely resit and fail so every year they would print his results in advance, much like a bank standing order! You remember him now? He is a university Professor now, oh yea! Throw no human being away o!

‘Ping pong ping pong’, the wedding bells rang. It was the son of Bawomia getting married to the daughter of Mahamah. I was the MC at the program. Pls who is that suggesting that it shd have been Mahamah’s son marrying Bawomia’s daughter? Were you in the dream with me? Too known boy! Hahaaaa! At the wedding, the things I saw er, hmmm! Should I continue the dream or I should wake up? I told you the kind of dreams I have anytime I get drunk!

Some friends deceived me with fruit juice before o. Knowing very well that I don’t drink alcohol, they tricked me into drinking this useless fruit juice. Apparently they’d laced with gin; I didn’t know. After taking the ‘juice’, I became overly excited and the world felt like it was the best place to be. Everything around me was nice! I didn’t give a damn, mehn! I realised I was walking on one leg. When I moved the right leg, though heavy, it was as if the left one didn’t exist; when I moved the left one, OMG, the right one disappeared! Akpeteshie go kill person ooo! Since then, I have been having dreams!

Herh, Mr Stephen Korletey of Adabraka GCB Bank, why are you looking at my picture as if you have not seen a boozeman before? Mujey baya! don’t mind me o, today is Fridayyyyyyyyy; the fall army worms in my head are at work! Hahahaaaaa!

Seriously, I am just wondering what could happen if one of these two brothers (JM and MB) mistakenly crosses the other in traffic at Abossey Okai roundabout and out of anger they both get down from their vehicles only to realise they are the ones. Ei! I pray they have no tools boxes in their vehicles! Basty and Banku sef go jealous the scene!

My friend, if you are expecting anything different from this intro, please stop reading this ‘useless’ stuff and go and do something meaningful with your life. This is bcos what is going to follow has nothing to do with my two friends who ‘love each other’ so much that the next thing we expect is to attend a wedding of their children. One of them would be an in-law to the other p33333, wait and see! A son of one of them will marry the other’s daughter p33333! It’s only a matter of time! Unless you don’t understand GH politics!

You better stop reading this nyamanyama thing now o. Nobody reads this column o. There is nothing here except total abstract!

Hello, are we not together? Should I tell you about Fatimah? Fatimah and I never saw eye to eye with each other for so long during our childhood days. We disliked each other to the extent we decided to attend different universities. She ended up at Accra Legon and I, Kumasi Legon. I used to write anonymous letters to her insulting her in it. She would do same by replying ‘anonymously’ through my pigeon hole.

Two years after varsity, and the wedding bells rang and it was ‘Mawuli weds Fatima’. Oh yea! People were shocked. ‘Agbemenya wo lolo’ (‘the irony of life’)!

At the wedding, we shared with our guests how we both used to admire each other since childhood but often used takashi as if we were the worst of enemies. Now we have born one naughty baby girl who has been harassing my life since.

Those days when children were born, their eyes remained closed for at least a week before the eyes would start opening small small. But today’s wassap babies open their eyes even before they get out of the womb. They know everything! After a month of coming into this world, Makafui, my daughter sucks breasts as if to compete with me. As for banku with fetri detsi, it’s like holy communion to her!

She would not cry or sleep at night. Crawling is not the worst moment but wait till she starts walking.

At 10 months, she had started running around. Wires connected to sockets needed relocation. She would climb tables you won’t believe she could climb.

Cassava was on fire. Soup was almost fully cooked. The next thing I saw was that the soup was boiling white soapy foam. It was then I saw her holding an empty pack of omo. I had to abandon the fufu project that afternoon oo, hmmm. I thank God she didn’t pour the hot soup on herself; I still owe her a duty of care, you know.

Everything in the room had to change position. Remote controls are her best playmates even though she often misplaces them or puts them inside soup. She can unlock the password on my phone and watch ‘movies’ reserved for adults.

It got to a point that when she is doing the wrong thing, she knows it and expects me to either forgive her or spank her – it depends on how I want her to be when she grows up – as a disciplined adult or otherwise; the choice is mine.

Sleep was no longer my own. Ei! was that what my parents went through with 13 nose-running children in a chamber and hall room with no electricity? God has been faithful o. For me, only one child in a 5-bedroom house is like 20 in a police cell as small as that of Motown police station.

At age 1 and half, my wife decided to send her to school. I was against it as I didn’t think it was necessary. Maybe at age 2, fine but at 1 and half, all she would bring home are injuries and infections, I believed. This woman disagreed because as a teacher herself, she thought her daughter was ripe to start school. I learnt later from her friend that all she wanted was how Makafui would look like in her school uniform with her lunch bag at her back. Throughout my school days, I never saw a lunch bag. Where? Is it Anunmle 3 Primary School where I was thrown into class 1 at age 7 and forced to sing unnecessary songs? Why rush the innocent toddler to school this early? Even jollof rice, I was in P5 before I saw what it was like during ‘our day’ celebrations. What kind of convenience are you looking for, Madam? Isn’t my mum-in-law available? Ah!

Ei, I have a problem o. My mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my grand-fatherS-in-law and grandmotherS-in-law (both sides) are all alive ooooo, yeeeei! Funeral insurance seriously needed now. Who knows!  I don’t think I would have made such a mistake if I knew this. If only I knew my wife’s parents and grandparents were all still alive...hmmm. All these people are still alive and you think I am safe? Why? Are they Japanese?

Eventually, Makafui started school at age 18 months just for peace to prevail at home. Sleeping in school and fighting her colleagues were her main hobbies. She would come home with bruises on her face and other parts of her body. I kept quiet with the hope that that my wife would see reason in my earlier objections. What I didn’t understand was that I brought a househelp to take care of Makafui at home but Madam ‘Know-it-all’ no go gree all bcos of school uniform!

When Makafui closes from school, she would bring at least one injury home. If there is no injury, you can be sure, she would be home with some skin rashes or runny nose or high temperature. My wife is still pretending to be ok la!

As I always ask, why name your dog ‘Tiger’ when you can actually get the real tiger and keep it in your house? To be on the safer side, that’s why I named my own dog ‘Puin’, a very useless dog. When there is a problem at home, it waits for me to start backing. Yes o!

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While writing this non-fa article on my laptop, Makafui disruptively came to type the above and ran away. She alone understands what it means. Like father like daughter…ao!

Congratulations on your wedding o, Mr & Mrs Mahamia! They go born plenty pikins rof! I am still dreaming, abi? Hahaaaaa!