Dring a recent game of 'Truth or Dare', one of my friends claimed they have sex several times a week. Another said they always do it at least once a week and the rest of us were less often. We all think we're right about how much you should be having sex. But now I'm wondering, is having sex more frequently healthier or normal? Which of us is correct? I could say all of you. Or none of you. Because there’s no ‘correct’ amount to have sex.

As you’ve discovered by talking to your friends, all of you have different preferences – and, I suspect, different opportunities that will affect how much and what kind of sex you have.

I’m glad you asked this question though because I get a lot of emails from people who are anxious about the 'right' amount of sex they ought to be having. 

Here are some of the reasons why….

They want to get pregnant

And wonder how much sex they ought to be having in order to conceive. Answer: as much as possible, throughout your cycle. Noting this can be exhausting and stressful, and sometimes having a break from sex or trying self-insemination may be kinder for your relationship. If you’re worried about this, and have been consistently trying to get pregnant for six months to a year, then speak to your doctor.

They are aware they aren’t having sex very much.

This might be because:

Sex is painful, due to coming too quickly,  or not quickly enough

If you have  erection problems 

If you don’t come at all

If you’re not enjoying the way you’re having sex

If you don’t desire sex

If you’ve noticed you used to have 

sex a lot but now you don’t.

The key question: does this bother you? Very often there are good reasons why you aren’t having as much sex – a new baby, stress at work, relationship difficulties, being bored with sex that’s become routine, or an existing mental or physical health problem, or disability.

Dealing with underlying issues or accepting current circumstances may be a lot more helpful than fixing things by forcing yourself to have lots more sex (as some advisors recommend). Aside from this being a recipe for relationship tensions and coercive encounters, it’s no help to you if you are asexual.

They’re worried about keeping someone else satisfied

If there’s an imbalance within your relationship - where one of you desires sex more than the other - that can be stressful.

There could be many reasons why you're not having as much sex

Persistent rejection from a partner can be hurtful. And constant pressuring to have sex can be distressing. Particularly if there is a lack of affection, anxieties over how to talk about sexual desires and needs, or disagreements elsewhere in the relationship.

Sometimes people ask me the question you’ve posed because they want to use me as leverage to persuade a reluctant partner to do it more.

Again, there is no ‘right’ amount to have sex, so if there are differences in your desires, noting what barriers might be stopping you from having or wanting sex and finding ways to connect and communicatemay bring better results than ‘just doing it’.  Relationship therapy can also help.

However, if your desire for sex is so imbalanced and looks set to remain so, that's a good enough reason to end things.

They fear they are not measuring up

We’re surrounded by messages from the mainstream media, self-help market, sex surveys, the pharmaceutical industry and porn that all tell us that sex is vital and something we should be doing frequently, energetically and in exciting ways.

It makes sense commercially to talk about sex in thrilling, quantitative and goal based ways. If you are saying people are doing it loads you can sell your products to those who feel they don’t measure up, or want to be ‘good in bed’.

The good news is our obsession with quantifying sex is outdated. Increasingly independent studies of our sexual lives suggest people are not reporting having sex as often as in the past, and, more tellingly are neither especially bothered by this nor see it as a crisis or a dysfunction. They recognise other things can have equal or more importance than sex (such as friendships, work, hobbies, or other interests).

What is ‘sex’ anyway

‘Having sex’ is code for spontaneously desired penetration. If you base how often you do it on that model it may make you feel anxious or inadequate.

But if you recognise that ‘sex’ doesn't have to be spur-of-the-moment and can also include fantasy and role play, BDSM, using toys, masturbation, oral sex, kissing and cuddling, massage, talking and pleasure that comes from genital or non-genital touch, then ‘sex’ might seem far more inviting and inclusive.

Find out what might appeal to you via Cory Silverberg, Scarleteen and Bish.

Put simply, the question isn’t about how often you do it, but whether you liked it.

There is no normal

Finding out what’s right for you, accounting for your unique circumstances, is far more helpful than fretting you’re not measuring up in some kind of sex contest.

Next time you and your friends are together, and if they’re up for it, switch the 'Truth or Dare' question from ‘how often?’ to ‘how?’

Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.