By Dr. Frank Robert Silverson In this final instalment, I distil some real words of wisdom to my targeted audience mentioned in Part 1. I begin with a realistic observation by St. Augustine, quoted in Captain Corelli's Mandolin: "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." The quote above is self explanatory and I do not need to expatiate further. I move straight into addressing my targeted audience. Group 1 – Those who have neither had nor thought of having an affair This is a very good category to be in, free from any form of guilt. I am sure such people have their reputation to be proud of. Yet the Good Book admonishes that let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he falls. The greatest trap to ever fall in is to overrate ones confidence and assume an air of invincibility. This sort of mentality has resulted in the downfall of many who thought they could never fall. I have heard that excuse over and over again from people who have fallen and are still in denial that they fell. Statements like I did not think I could have done that are commonplace. In any case had I known is always at last. Like a garden that would not tend itself so is a marriage. It requires continuous work and effort to ensure that it remains strong and blissful. One needs to observe and deal with likely chinks in a marriage. It is very hard for another man or woman to ‘occupy’ if there is no vacuum for them to ‘occupy’. This calls for one to be careful but not overly suspicious so as to affect trust. People who find themselves in this group should know that they are responsible for not just themselves but also for their spouses. They may have not thought of nor had an affair but their spouses’ actions affect them in one way or the other. One needs to do everything possible to ensure that an affair does not spike its claws into their marriage. An affair-proof marriage should remain an eternal quest. Group 2 – Those who have not had but are thinking of having an affair So you are thinking about having an affair or you have met a beauty you cannot let go off? Are you feeling like you must take your chance at all cost? Have you been enraptured by the ‘office beauty’ and you cannot help yourself? Does it feel like you have got a ‘scholarship’ that is too good to throw away? Do you feel like you need a new lease of life as your marriage has become stale? Does it feel like you married your ideal who has now become an ordeal and so you need a new deal? The questions are endless. Life is such that the grass usually feels greener on the other side. It is a fact of life that we all sometimes get tired of our spouses. I do not dismiss that argument but truth is that our partners may also get tired of us at a point that we need them most. The tendency to be selfish and self-centred is always one that every spouse has to contend with. If we are able to overcome this known weakness and develop the attribute of selflessness then we stand to gain more than we may appear to be losing in a marriage. Take it from me, if you are thinking of having an affair, let it remain a thought that you nip in the bud before you live it out. I cannot overemphasise the point that an affair, no matter what it promises is never worth it. My discussions with most people who have had affairs inform my position. No matter how many excuses you can make for thinking of having an affair, I challenge you that if you ever have one, in the long-term you stand to lose more than you would gain. In the short-term you may see it as an opportunity to limp through life but you stand to regret it someday. Root Mentality suggests that one sits down and analyses and understands why they are feeling a particular way. It may require some vital changes to get over any prurient thoughts towards a particular person. There is a need to try and understand what is missing in ones marriage that is being sought elsewhere. A quiescent response would do no favours. Rather, boldness is required to confront ones feelings if amends are to be made. It is not worth throwing in the towel and carrying out ones thoughts of having an affair. With a bit of work, one could scale this phase of life. The emotions may currently feel strong and overpowering but it would subside with time. It is surely a wise thing to look before one leaps as most affairs are firstly carried out in the mind before they become full-blown affairs. Life is quite interesting as it may seem like people have escaped from the consequences of their actions for now yet in the process of time they surely pay for their actions one way or the other. My research proves and supports this view. It is a sound option for one to dwell with the wife of his/her youth and let her satisfy you all the days of your life. Go back to your roots and relive your good times and see whether it is not worth preserving. If you are seriously at a threshold of having an affair, I personally encourage you to go on a mental journey through all the possible options as suggested by Root Mentality in Part 2 and arrive at a sound decision. Always remember that affairs are expensive and you may never be able to erase the scar no matter how hard you try and as such they are better avoided. The onus is on you to try your hardest not to have an affair. Group 3 – Those who are actually having an affair It is amazing how some people are able to have affairs for quite a while without getting caught whiles some others get caught as soon as they begin. It is usually an illusion to think that you won’t get caught. Be careful as time would find you out soon. Well, this is not the medium for me to cast aspersions on anyone having an affair. Inasmuch as I do not condemn you as a person, I in no wise condone your act. Irrespective of what websites like Illicit Encounters and Affairs.com who actually promote affairs would say, it is not worth it. I can hear someone arguing that although an affair is not good, it is better than going through a messy divorce. Some also argue that they must remain together at all cost because of their children and so an affair is the best option to take. Every marriage is workable no matter how bad it is. The caveat here is that it is workable if you are both willing to work at it. Like a garden, it requires both parties tending it on a regular basis. Counselling is an option for you to consider if you think your marriage has reached an untenable position. You must not be too proud to not to want to seek help. Most people make the mistake of thinking they can ‘fix’ everything all by themselves. There are times when you have to admit that you need external help. It may prove beneficial and timely in setting your marriage back on track. It is not too late to stop having an affair. I realise that some people may have gone so far they feel they have settled in the country of no return. It may be difficult to stop as you may appear to be inextricably entangled in the affair web without knowing the way of escape. It is a lie though to conclude you cannot do anything about your situation, even the prodigal son mentioned in the Good Book came home, why not you? I suggest you take a look at my blog and see if my ideas on Root Mentality can help you in one way or the other. Group 4 – Those who have had an affair in the past I do not know how you feel like now if you had an affair in the past. Most of those I have spoken to, express remorse for their actions although there are a few who justify it on the grounds that whatever will happen will happen. They claim that it was a lesson worth it and they have learnt from their mistakes. Some even say it is a part of life. If you had an affair yesterday or in the past, it is very easy to return to where you have been before. Dogs do not struggle to return to their vomit neither do pigs find it difficult to return to the mud. Addicts to drinks and substances are always in a battle to slip back to where they were before and so is someone who had an affair in the past. Affairs are very expensive as most people who are well experienced in life would acquiesce. It may appear to boost self-image and self-confidence but any well thinking person stands to regret with time. For someone who had an affair in the past, you need to access your values and understand why you actually had that affair. A look at my post on Root Mentality should provide some respite and guidance. If you do not deal with the root issues of why you had that affair, another affair could be on the cards in the near future. If you have learnt from your mistakes then by all means move on armed with this knowledge and strive never to return to where you once were. The best suggestion I can give you is for you to endeavour on a daily basis to live an affair-proof life; one day at a time. In this series, I have dealt with the issue of extra-marital affairs in an unusual way. I have brought a personal touch to the matter whiles providing some insights into my own life. I discussed Branch Mentality as against Root Mentality. I have advocated that when confronted with a choice to have an affair, it is not just enough to break up the friendship but to deal with the main issues from the roots. I adopted the view that if you do not fully deal with the real issue, you are very much likely to move to another person or keep encountering the same situation over and over again. Root Mentality is how I suggest issues are dealt with; dealing with the issue from the very bottom and arriving at a long lasting solution. I am careful to note that having a root mentality is not for everyone as it requires work and effort. Society today deals with symptoms rather than causes and is more interested in quick fixes. This generation seems to emphasise instantaneity whereas most experienced people would agree that life does not work that way. Time is of essence and determination is also required to develop and maintain mastery over the desires of the flesh. In closing, I observe that some people prefer to learn from their mistakes. In any case one proverb questions that wisdom by stating that, “experience teaches fools”. This didactic should stop you from getting yourself entangled in the affair web in the first place and if you happen to be in it already, then you better get out now before it is too late. If we can subscribe to a long-term view of our actions, then we are likely to avoid some very bad choices and exercise better judgement in our actions. God has predetermined the consequences of our actions, the actions though are a matter of choice– it is God’s gift to man. For all those thinking of building an affair-proof marriage, you may click the link below and read my post where I propound the theory called AFFAIR-GUARD (AfGuard) http://franksilverson.blogspot.com/p/affair-guard-afguard.html. It teaches you how to ring-fence your marriage to withstand an affair and enjoy the full benefits of marriage. Dr. Frank Robert Silverson is the author of articles like Gambling - Addiction or Choice (Parts 1-4), Contemplations of an extra-marital affair: a didactic (Parts 1-3), The Ultimate Leak, and Free Press or Foolishness. He is currently working on Pornography – The Silent Killer (Parts 1&2), Churches – Commerce or Compassion (Parts 1&2), and Politicians - Machiavellians or Messiahs (Parts 1&2) soon to be published. Email: frsilverson@yahoo.com Blog: www.franksilverson.blogspot.com