The real reason sleeping with him won't make him love you

Just because he's attracted to you doesn't mean he has feelings for you.

"When I'm really attracted to a man and sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I realize he's not good husband material. Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men?"

You'd be surprised how many of my single clients ask this question.

Many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that turns you on. These men define their worth by their sexuality and their ability to attract woman. They know how to ignite a woman — it's an energy that they're putting out that goes right to your head and makes you think something real and important is happening. But they're operating from a sexual addiction rather than from caring or intimacy.

But what should you do to show you're caring rather than addicted?

You need to tell yourself that sexual attraction doesn't mean anything — it's energy that's being projected onto you. It has nothing to do with love, intimacy or marriage.

Real, long-lasting relationships take time to evolve. Feeling that sexual attraction when you first meet someone only means there is a possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you, not necessarily a relationship. My suggestion is to not have sex so early in a relationship, even if you're very attracted to him.

Decide to have sex when you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each other and really care about each other's well-being. When you know that the feelings are not just sexual, and that the sexuality is coming from the emotional intimacy rather than from a sexual addiction. Why not wait until there is a commitment to the relationship and to learning and growing with each other? How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had the relationship not work out?

You should also go out with men that you're not immediately attracted to, so long as you genuinely like them.

Often, sexual attraction grows as you really get to know a person. Many of my clients with the best relationships are people who were not immediately attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in love with each other. Others, who were attracted immediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the person.

Many men can have sex and then just move on without any inner turmoil. Yet many women feel connected to a man when they have sex with him and then feel awful when the relationship doesn't work out. It's unloving to yourself to sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.

Another risk is that sex without emotional intimacy is often disappointing for both of you. When you have sex too early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or physically satisfying. When sex isn't an expression of love, it often feels empty. The guy might decide that you are not the right person for him because there were no fireworks. If you had waited for love to develop, it might have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose by waiting.

A lot of women tend to think a man won't like them if they don't have sex with them first. But what does that tell you about him? A guy like that isn't good husband material so if you don't have sex with him right away, you have nothing to lose. He may take himself out of the running by proving he was only in it for the sex in the first place.

When you put sex on the back burner and pay more attention to intimacy and genuinely caring for your partner, you're going to feel a whole new world of love that can lead to real, lasting relationships.

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