You can argue or disagree with me all you want but yes, your wife is not your side-chick so stop expecting side-chick duties from her, especially when you are not performing side-man duties. 

I have heard some purported side-chicks argue that wives are lazy and don't know how to take care of their men. They also claim to be the ones who give the husbands the peace they desire.

These side-chicks talk about how they welcome the husbands, help them undress, massage their feet, give them good food and help them to relax by giving them really good bouts of sex. Wives have heard you but you see, it will be great to simply carry on with your work without dragging wives into this operation of yours just for you to feel relevant. Here is the fact: you are not a wife so the grounds for comparison is not existent. Remember also that, what you do with someone’s husband is a pay-as-you-go job, so again, you have absolutely no basis for comparison. 

He gets all that treatment because he pays for the services. Oh! Relax, before you jump into saying not all side-chicks are needy. Yes, I know that as well. Some are very gainfully employed and they are actually the ones who sort the men out but madam, it is still very transactional. You don't have a man of your own. You have money so you court somebody’s man to provide your sex and romantic needs. You are still a side-chick!

So you see, the side-chick relationship is a very transactional one which cannot be compared with the wife role under any circumstance.

The wife duty on the other hand is a perpetual partnership. For better for worse till death do you part. The wife role is an inherited responsibility as a result of marriage and the only thing that can change it, is death. By virtue of the marriage, no one gets compensated for anything they do or give. Everything everybody does is a function of the marriage and it is for the common good of the marriage. Side-chicks leave when there is no gain but wives stay through and through.                  

Okay, let's talk about how the men say the side-chicks treat them. Again, remember this relationship between you and your wife is not transactional. It is a perpetual partnership.  You both are building a home together. You have a family to raise. 

Check this out. You both go to work to hustle. She gets back home before you, which is mostly the case. She picks up the kids, attends to them, makes dinner, feeds them, bathes them, starts helping with homework before you get back home and then the moment you walk in, she must abandon everything and become a side-chick: run to take off your shoes, loosen your tie, escort you to the bedroom to watch you shower, feed you and give you good sex, right? 

How real is that? Now you tell me, how feasible is that? Is she a slave? Is that how you feel great as a man? What happens to everything else? The children, tidying up? Doing the dishes? Taking care of herself, prepping for the next day’s hustle? Come on dude, your wife is not your side-chick who has just one pay-as-you-go job of sitting pretty and waiting for you to do all that because there is a fat gain involved? In this case, a responsible husband will hurry back home, help with everything else and then you both can retire early, give each other an erotic and a relaxing massage and explode together. Instead, you will go and get your fun elsewhere then come back to complain about your wife's tiredness and top it up with how much she is not like your side-chick. Do you see how selfish you are? Yes, she is not your side-chick.

The other day, someone was complaining about how his wife had let herself go for which reason he was embarrassed taking her out so he had gotten for himself a younger and sleeker girl whom he runs around town and travel with. I really told him off. You have three children: seven, five and two year-olds. Every woman who has had children this age and intervals will tell you how insane it is. She is a teacher and has minimal support from her 10 year-old niece who will stay with her till she goes to learn a trade at 16.  You are a banker so you don't have very flexible hours. She tries to go for walks, after she does everything at home but progress is slow. Indeed when he showed me her before-and-after photos, a lot has changed, from size 10 to 18. She is obviously unhappy about it and trying to do something about it and instead of you to support her, your best response is to have a side-chick. She knows you have a side-chick because you disrespectfully put it in her face. She is depressed and you know very well that, with her current mental state, her journey back to finding herself will be thrice as hard. She is surely not your side-chick. She is a wife in distress.

Those of you who also say that home is too stressful so side-chicks are only helping you to distress, who is helping your wives to distress, too? We had this argument in one of my club meetings where the guys were heartily talking about how annoying conversations are with their wives as compared with their side-chicks. They said the conversations with their side-chicks were nice and calm, filled with fun, whispers of sweet-nothings and with happy ending.

On the other hand, conversations with their wives ended up with headaches and elevated BPs. They said their wives would be talking and reminding them of family goals, fees, bills, how tough market was and how hard it got by the day. They said their wives would bring up issues with teachers and the school, in-laws and all the things that would just spike their anxiety levels and cause them not to have an erection not to talk of sex. 

I burst out with laughter. They seemed to really love the sweet-nothings from the side-chicks, the touches at the right places and went on to add that, even if they wanted anything, they will ask you at the height of pleasure which will make you sign off your life savings without reasoning. Wow! You will sign it off and expect your wives to endure and still play side-chick roles. Do your side-chicks endure anything?

How would your wife whisper sweet-nothings when you have bills hovering over your heads? How would she whisper sweet-nothings when there is a sick child, fees to pay, settlements to make and other grave responsibilities to take care of? In any case, how have you assured your wife not to worry because you have it all under control?  How have you worked to put her mind at rest so that she can save her energy and whisper sweet-nothings to you? When last did you take her to a fancy restaurant or buy her an expensive gift like you do for your side-chick? And you want her to whisper sweet-nothings?

Prices on the market are outrageous, things are not adding up, she has a home to run, and she has children’s needs to take care of. She has crazy deliverables on the job, she is stressed, her hormones are acting up, she has you to worry about and you blame her for not muttering sweet nothings like your side-chick who has only one pay as you go job? Really? Let her switch places with your side-chick for just a week under the same circumstances and then you can judge who the better of them is.

Oh, about the flat tummy and 'looking hot'! Okay, I agree that you guys are moved by sight and trust me, no wife wants to look like trash or unattractive for herself and and for her spouse. Sometimes wives who are mothers especially just get overwhelmed with everything and put themselves last. They ensure that everybody and everything else is well catered to and forget that they matter too.  She is your wife; appreciate all she does, support her and let her know that she matters too. At her lowest, that is when you come in as her husband and her support system to help her get back up. Rather your response to her depressing mental state is as side-chick who does not know half the things your wife deals with. Your wife is not your side-chick.

There are also those who will tell you that the side-chicks are super exciting and crazy in bed while their wives do the bare minimum. Some have also said that, there are some sexual fantasies that can only be lived with side-chicks. Well, you will surely get a super fun sex session from a happy woman. From the side-chick, she is happy because she will be adequately compensated.            

Is your wife happy? What do you expect from a wife who is depressed, unfit, fatigued, unappreciated and one who has lost her self-worth and confidence? A woman like that cannot give you that kind of pleasure in bed. So of you up your game by lessening her burden and after all that she does not perform, we can have another conversation.

Now tell me, how many men have left their wives for their side-chicks and have had successful marriages with them?  Officer, Massa, Oga, Boss, your wife is not your side-chick.  But if you want her to be your side-chick, do unto her as you will do unto your side-chick. Do not come and stress anybody’s daughter with your selfishness.

My dear ladies, I know it is not easy and I have said that you are not a side-chick but trust me, it is sweet to be a “bad girl wife” so in all thy diligent doings as a wife and a mother, do not let yourself go.  You matter. Look out for yourself, keep yourself sexy, stay beautiful and love yourself the best way you can, and keep yourself far away from depression. If he chooses to have a side-chick, let it not be said that it is because you let yourself go. I love you queen!

About Edem Knight-Tay 

Edem Knight-Tay is the Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with 4 adorable children. Edem has been a media practitioner for about 2 decades working in various capacities. She lives by the Biblical principles “love your neighbour as yourself” and “do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.” Amenuveve!