Few things in the world are as close to divinity as the duty of being a mother. From the decision not to terminate, to nurturing a fetus for the sometimes arduous journey of nine months and ultimately bringing a breathing soul into the world is nothing short of heightened greatness. It is also widely accepted that the complementing presence of a mother and father, who each play a vital part in providing a healthy and complete development of the child, is the preferable background for the nurturing and upbringing of the kid.

However, it is sometimes inevitable that some women will become single mothers, at least temporarily, due to one or a combination of life events like divorce, widowhood, and denied paternity. While single fatherhood is also common, a study by pewresearch.org reveals that single fathers more easily find partners to either remarry or cohabit implying they are not always entirely on their own.

Single mothers on the other hand are often the targets of some disparaging commentary and social innuendos and may have a harder time finding partners primarily due to some genuine fears or concerns their potential suitors may have.

These concerns if frontally and dispassionately discussed in hopes of arriving at a smother path, however, hazy it might be; demonstrate that these concerns would have little impact on the life you want to build together, single mothers would invariably become more desirable. I discuss below a few of such concerns I have observed.

Ties That Bind. Children will serve as a link between the mother and father of those children (if they are separated or divorced) and co-parenting would require constant and ongoing communication between these parents. Indeed some of that communication may require physical meetings or visitations potentially resulting in the rekindling of what was thought to be an old and ineffectual flame. As they say in the Ga language “Choo Oha Mi Laimomo”; and that is to say “old love never dies”. A beloved cousin from Naija put it more directly when she said, “Any knack that has ever been knacked can always be re-knacked again at any moment in the future once the knacker and knackee remain in constant touch and communication with each other”.

These are questions bordering on loyalty and your man should have no reason to equivocate on where your loyalty lies. You ought to exercise tact and consistently demonstrate in deed and in word that your loyalty is resolutely for your new man and no one else’s. These include organising all such communication and interaction in an atmosphere of openness and candour and leaving no room for whatever suspicions may arise.

A Bond that May Break. Some men in the process of dating a single mum would invariably form an intimate bond of love and friendship with your child. Indeed most single women are pleasantly intrigued by their child’s fascination with a man they also find desirable. This not only makes their transition into the new relationship easier but that their child would likely not feel any lack of the presence of a potentially absentee father. Over time, and with the prodding of some extraneous influences, the child may run off to their biological father, deeply hurting the ego of their stepfather whose time and emotions may have been deeply vested in that relationship.

Such fears may inhibit your new man’s desire to build a relationship with your child and even lead to some pent-up antipathies towards the child. The story is told of President Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr (born Leslie Lynch King Jr) refusing to meet his biological father later in life, just out of loyalty to his stepfather Gerald Rudolph Ford Sr. While this may appear extreme it would be essential to actively and deliberately get your child to consistently demonstrate loyalty to their stepfather while showing respect to their biological fathers as the case may be.

Shared Attention. It is inconceivable that any man would be able to sever the link that exists between a mother and her children, no matter how much she loves him. Even more absurd is the idea that a man who professes love for a woman would seek to keep her away from her kids. For most women, their foremost priority is their child and it is only natural that in their order of preference and importance, they would always choose their kids over whoever else there might be, including their new man.

While it would be a lot easier for a man with whom a woman shares her child’s parentage to accommodate this, a new man might feel a bit slighted and denied the full benefit of his woman’s emotional commitment to him. It would be important to play the careful balancing act of never reneging on your duty as a mother to your child but also demonstrating respect and unwavering commitment to your new man.

On the other hand, you have to manage the expectations of your new man’s assumption of father figure duties in your child’s life and allow a natural and symbiotic evolution of that relationship over time.  Indeed a forced relationship may cause the child to develop some hate for their new dad or become flagrantly insolent or openly disrespectful of him.

Obsession with Monogamy. Monogamy seems like the ideal relationship for a majority of women and quite understandably so. The idea of wilfully sharing a man with another or other women is an almost crippling thought that many women including single mothers wouldn’t entertain. Some forbid polygamous relationships for religious reasons while others for more egocentric concerns. The religion of Islam permits men to marry up to a maximum of four wives and the Bible does not explicitly forbid polygamy. For some single mothers, a more realistic path to getting back into committed relationships and hopefully marrying will be for them to embrace polygamy. This may seem controversial but many women are enjoying marital bliss and given a place of dignity and honour in society after they go into polygamous marriages. It would be worth considering by most single mothers and taking the leap if you are at peace with the idea and the circumstances are right for you to do so.

Extra Baggage. In many parts of Africa and around the world, a man is assumed to be the protector and provider for his family; consisting of his wife and any children they may have. Indeed all adherents to any of the Abrahamic faiths subscribe to the notion of a man being the so-called head of the home. During the initial stages of all their overtures to you, the majority of men appear to demonstrate their ability to handle these obligations, often as an indicator of what the future holds.

However, the involvement of a child belonging to another man (especially if that man is alive and well) imposes an extra financial burden even though the new man may still grudgingly provide for them. It is undeniable that the foremost priority of every single mother would be her children and it may seem the expedient thing to do in insisting that your new man must also assume the financial responsibility for their care. While some men may acquiesce, albeit reluctantly, others may find it quite a preposterous demand and walk.

The assumption of the financial responsibility for the care of your children should originate from a clean heart and be the outcome of an unpretentious goodwill rather than an imposition. One of the best ways of coopting your new man into willingly providing is to demonstrate a certain capacity for industry and to at least be able to do the minimum for your children without necessarily depending on him or anyone. In this manner, the man would feel confident in getting on board with you to build a new and better life and create a potentially blended family whose needs are well taken care of.

That said, any man who supposedly loves you, wants to build a life with you and is financially capable would prioritise what you prioritise and that includes your child. Every single mother whether they are divorced, widowed, have runaway partners, or had children with men who denied paternity deserves a life of love and companionship. Nonetheless, single mothers who are desirous of pursuing love relationships and starting new families must confront these realities head-on and hopefully smoothen that transition. Keep hope alive!

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The writer is a Marketing Lecturer who can be contacted via email at munir.husseini@gmail.com