‘It is only when the rain has no essence that a young lady will be seen running holding her breasts’ – a proverb from an unknown part of Ghana.

Please don’t think about it o, just hold breasts and run once the rains are not torrential enough. I am not saying the men should hold breasts o, I mean the girls running in the unserious rain. I know some of you, men.

You will soon blame it on curing or preventing breast cancer.

The biggest self-deceivers among electorates are those who describe themselves as ‘floating voters’. Floating to where? It is never true o; at best you can say is that you are not party fanatics but floating? Oh how? Are you a balloon?

Everyone voted for someone so how can you float unless of course, you spoil the ballot then I will agree with you that you floated. Once you have voted for somebody, you have taken sides and not floating.

Floating on what water? Abeg, let me go and drink my tea; next week is Christmas!

Everybody who voted, voted for somebody not for ‘float’. The fact that you voted secretly does not mean you voted for everybody. Even at the point of voting, you may change your mind and vote for somebody.

You can’t walk in the middle of the road; you are either on the right side of the road or the left. Meboa? Hahahahahaha!

Looks like I am becoming a prophet o and I can predict rightly what tomorrow would be. I can prophesy that it’s a Saturday! Praise the Lord! Halleluya!

Today is Friday again o and scatter scatter come my brains inside again! I have been fighting my mother-in-law’s daughter for three days. On the first day of the fight, she was full of moods and anger on her face.

On day two, she would not even respond to my ‘good morning’ greetings! On the dawn of the third day, she went to take an early morning shower and walked in front of me ‘just like that’ across the bedroom and as usual bent down as if to pick something from under the bed.

The devil is a liar; I ‘putted’ all male ego aside and jumped on her like a mosquito ‘biting her biting her’. And then she became ‘fine’ but didn’t talk though I could see some joy and smiles on her face.

By 5.15 am, I heard her sweeping the corridor singing: ‘Aseda y3 Onyame ne dea….‘Aseda y3 Onyame ne deaaaaa, ‘Aseda y3 Onyame ne deaaaa, mintumi nka adea woay3 mamiiiiiiiii’. Momo momo mo adea woay3 amami….ajei…momo…momo. Hahaaa! Sosket; fire burn am! There is power in the ‘this thing’ when you are married o!

Christmas is here and if you don’t use your head, your body will suffer o, yoo. I hate it when I am on good terms with my wife.

I prefer fighting her so that she would not make me spend too much money and running errands for her especially around this festive season. Already she is reminding me of an outstanding 2020 Easter which is still pending because of this terrible coro coro which keeps changing colours.

When we are fighting and not on good terms, she does and buys everything by herself. But the moment we patch up, heeei; that is when she would ask me to: ‘please pass by the mall and buy me goat meat, neat fufu, bulb for the garage, milo, rice, pancake, chocolate, buy me bottled water and I prefer belakwa the big one, I want NTN credit, in fact add fodavone, if possible Bizi4G data, etc.

The list will not end here o. Next is ‘my phone is giving me problems and I think I need an eye phone but all I have is GHC90 and I am sure that should be enough’. GHC90 for eye phone? She hands the GHC90 to me and bcos we are on good terms…

When I am on good terms with her, I like to surprise her by ‘doing show’ buying her nice nice things including yoghurt and brassier!

Indeed, marital fights are good. The feeling becomes even sweeter after the fight, no be so? Please allow the fights wai! They are normal things and imagine a marriage that is full of laughter all the time; it won’t be sweet kraa. Fight small and laugh plenty!

Last month, I had to warn my wife that when it is getting to the X’mas, nobody is buying any new clothing and things. She didn’t say anything. I provoked her to get angry so I will have basis to stop being on talking terms with her till January 10.

She no mind me sef! Frustrated, I told her my real intentions that we should quarrel over who would enter 2021 first. All of these I did just to save money once I am not on talking terms with her during the period. After all, there is enough corn dough and ingredients in the kitchen!

The good news is that she has travelled last 2 weeks with the kids and promised to come back on 20^th December. To do what? Only God knows!

 So last Saturday dawn, I was expecting an ‘import’ bcos Madam no dey. Then suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I was actually expecting this nice lady who wanted to come and wash my handkerchiefs in my wife’s absence.

This was a fine opportunity not to spend money in a guest house. At least I can give that GHC80 to my ‘handkerchief washer’ as transport money. The person knocked; I jumped out to meet her.

When I got there, there was nobody. It happened the second time and there was nobody. Ah! The whole place was quiet. I couldn’t hear even the drop of a pin! Then came the knock the third time, come and see! Still nobody! Hmmm! See what? What were you expecting me to see? Ajeeeeiiiiii! You make I laugh laugh laugh aaaaa enter Teshie Tsui Bl3oo!

Ei Dr. Boy, how are you? Hmmm! The thing pain me for you o. I am sure it pained even the one who won against you. Such a brilliant and hardworking medical doctor and politician. Don’t worry; four years will soon come. Natsui onu, Mbra! You are a great guy!

So if I say ‘pour it inside’ (translate into Twi), did I say all the other small small political parties should respect the 3^rd force and pour their collaboration inside? You are always looking for problem for me. From contestant number 4 going, all the rest only reminded me of those days when marking O’level exam scripts.

When you pick some schools’ scripts to mark er, you would love it. You can finish marking 10 papers in 10 minutes because the candidates wrote nothing! One bold candidate from one of those ‘unfortunate’ schools did something strange.

Dude wrote nothing in the main answer sheet and had the guts to attach extra answer sheets on which he wrote only his index number. Blank spaces nkoaa but go and pick Presek scripts and see how you would suffer to finish marking one script. Ditto ditto answers with meaningful extra answer sheets sef.

Next election, I don’t expect to see more than 2 names on the presidential ballot paper unless of course some contestants want to continue deceiving themselves thus wasting everybody’s time.

Ahaaaan that reminds me o. Some wives koraa, why? I have 3 medium size gas cylinders at home and the idea is to ensure that we never run short of the ‘obroni charcoal’.

I came back home last Friday when it was raining heavily and my wife asked me to go and fill the cylinders as in the process of cooking, the gas got finished. I asked her what of the spare cylinder and her answer was that they are all finished. ‘What prevented you from prompting me when the first two got finished?’ and her answer? Hmmm! You need the heart of a man or a Great Olympics supporter not to throw your hand.

I complained to my brother-in-law and he laughed laughed laughed and entered the gas cylinder! According to him, his own wife did a similar thing before. In her case, he came home to find her cooking rice on a coal pot with charcoal and struggling to fan the fire as the charcoal.

When he asked of the whereabouts of the gas she could have used for the cooking, the wife said even though there was enough gas, she felt like using charcoal to prepare the rice as rice prepared with charcoal on kropot tasted nicer than with gas stove.

You would be surprised how some of these little little ‘surprises’ can degenerate into something mega. A little patience and you are good to go as husband and wife. No be so? Never easy o! Hahaaaa!

Ei my condolences to you o, Dr. Rafique Daudi on the passing of your grandfather, ACP Amadu Salifu, former Head of Security at Legon. Take heart, Doc.

But please be reminded that anyone who used to have a problem with you and suddenly wanting to be extremely nice with you, should be feared. Be careful bcos that is the only way he or she can have access to you and ‘do you’.

You can never change the human being’s intention towards you. If you like put me a Phobia goalkeeper in Kotoko goal post! Na swim you go swim o. Hahaaaaa!

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The Writer, Mawuli Zogbenu, is an Insurance Practitioner, Communicator and the Weekly Author of the INSURANCE BAKERY Column in the Graphic Business Newspaper. He is also the weekly Author of the humorous page ‘USELESS COLUMN’ published in the Business & Financial Times newspaper and on myjoyonline.com.