Last week when I wrote about my failure to explain to my 5 year old daughter what ‘Pie R Square’ means and I have been dodging her since then, her mother drew her attention to the article and my daughter couldn’t help laughing.

Herh, Makafui, ‘what do you mean’? Me, almost 45 years old man and you small girl coming to ask me about Pie R Square’. Weytin concern me with that? What kind of disrespect is that! Am I your co-equal? Hahahahahahahahaha!

It’s Fridayyyyyy and let’s take life easy but with face masks and sanitisers o, yoo!

Oh these ‘internet epoch children’! Last night she came to me and ‘relieved’ me small: ‘Daddy, I know it’s been long since you finished school and besides you never liked Mathematics per the article Mummy showed me last week.

It is obvious the reason you have been dodging me and use the kitchen door to enter the house anytime you close from work. So Daddy, please don’t worry; I won’t bother you again with it because Mummy has sorted me out’. I was relieved though embarrassed!

She continued: ‘Now there is a current term in town and this one has nothing to do with Maths and I want you to help me with it, Daddy. ‘Please what is Stimulus Package? I would like to know now now now’! Bukom Benku will say ‘once bite, twice shame’.

In order to avoid a second embarrassment I just told her it means ‘Steamed Lobster in a pack’ Finish! She is still laughing at me and this girl er…hmmm! Nowadays before they come to ask you a question, trust me, they have the answer already o. What kind of temptation be that? Hmmm!

Happy birthday to you, Mr Jerry Tsatro Mordy, my gentle selfless Big Bro from another Mother and Father. May you grow till you start telling your great grand children that you were always scoring grade A in Mathematics like I did to my daughter till I got exposed recently. Ajeeei!  

Though I am not very sure whether today is your birthday, I am sure of one thing: ‘I have a strong belief that nobody can really tell his or her actual date of birth apart from what they have been told by their parents. Were you there? But you believed it, no be so? Somebody told you and you believe it the same way you believe in God’s existence and still do bad things like me even though you haven’t seen Him before. That is called Faith! Na lie?

I know by now some men have started insulting me in their heads because of the title of this ‘useless’ article. I dey lie, Korku? But wait a minute o. How many men who were in deep love with their ladies from the beginning, carried away by the sweet love moments, good cooked food and above all good ‘mattress’ have told their partners that they would marry them only to later discover they could not or would not?

Men generally have difficulty in telling their ladies this: ‘Ablavi, I am sorry but based on this, that and those, I don’t think I can marry you as promised’! The closest boldness men can ever use in order not to let the lady have a bigger heartbreak is ‘I don’t think we are compatible o, Ablavi; or what do you think’?

What do you think sɛ sɛn when a woman is in love with you and you are asking her at this time that ‘what do you think?’. Go and ask Ayeshetu or Naa Lamiley this question and you would see where they do plastic surgery!

Men, be bold small.

My good friend, Mark didn’t know how to tell his fiancée how to end the relationship when he discovered that the lady snores too much. Snoring as a weakness? Haaba!

The lady who had been of immense help to him when things were hard for him. He just told her: ‘my mother says she doesn’t like your tribe and so I am sorry I can’t marry you’. Really? That brings to mind our own form of ‘racism’ in our part of the world -Tribalism!

My Uncle Ganyaglo, for instance will never rent his room to any prospective tenant when he discovers that the person is ‘Eblutor’! Why? Ei Tordia Ganyaglo, greetings o. He is the only one with a branded face mask that is pure red with the inscription of a skeleton on it as a design – the one that signifies danger.

I don’t know whether it’s an indication that he fears the virus too much or the virus should fear him more or he is the virus himself! Hahahahaha!

As I was saying racism is here too o, but in the form of tribalism except that in our own case, we are generally not violent to each other or put our knees on the neck of people of the other tribe till they keep gasping for air calling on ‘Maame eei Maame eei’. We are not that treacherous! I couldn’t watch that video twice! Hmmm! May his soul rest in peace!

But the perceptions of tribalism are indeed realities in our part of the world and we are here shouting against ‘racism, racism, racism must stop’ which is good but we should also start shouting ‘tribalism, tribalism, tribalism must stop’ which is the reason the idea of wearing a face mask has made me a philosopher o!

You first smell what you want to say to others! Yeso! It is very easy to see the other person’s fault but ours, lailai! If it is wrong in Town A, then it should be seen as wrong in Town B too. This is indeed ‘Useless’ food for thought o! Hahahahahaha!

Anyway, where was I mpo! Ahaan, the real reason was that Mark had found a new person who was ‘winding him up and down like see-saw…up and down’ and thought she should be the one for marriage forgetting that Jennifer used to be like that too even though he, Mark didn’t have kapr3 at the time.

Those days, Mark would go and eat and ‘chop’ on top and Jennifer would give him money for transport in addition. Ei, men!

He has forgotten that the concept of product or service life cycle was premised on amorous relationships! It starts nicely as you want to see your partner every day. You talk on phone un-end and keep saying ‘I love you bortorrrr’ and the unnecessary ‘I love you more’ useless thing which many don’t mean any way especially the mommo ‘directors’.

Then the arguments start and then the fights and then things start dwindling as the woman may start saying ‘all men are the same’ that is from the experienced ones as if they have dated all men in the world before.

Then the man also says: ‘fear woman’, for what, my brother Mark? You advised me to fear them o but I keep going there la. Why fear them? My mother is a woman. My wife is a woman. Most of my siblings and children are women! Fear what? Don’t bring yourself, Mark. Hahaaaa!

Then the relationship gets to the decline stage if care and counseling don’t come inside and then finally; go your way let me go my way! One of the reasons ladies in relationships in contemporary times have two, three or more boyfriends too so that when it gets to that point, they ‘diversify’ as a way of ‘insurance’. Let’s not blame them too much.

The unfortunate reality is that a lady who does that is frowned upon by society while the man who does that is seen as a real man with a strong waist! Such an unfair world akin to calling some people African-Americans and never calling some ‘Syrian-Americans’! The latter is simply ‘American’! Case close!

Now there is a new excuse being used by men to dump their fiancees: ‘My Uncle who returned from Europe and was living with me in the same room is at the Treatment Centre o’. With this one, the bravest lady will advise herself and back out neatly. Just tell her bravely that, ‘woman, I am sorry, we can’t get married’ but this one too is harsh o, or? But find other subtle ways so she could work on her weaknesses even if she has to move on. Most of us men are simply cowards.

The brave ones are usually drunks like me. ‘Ablavi, I say I don’t want you again because you are not giving me enough jigijigi’! Hahahaha! At that point, you would have realized the ‘lawyer within’ – alcohol is on duty and just being used to execute an agendum! But it is dangerous nowadays as it weakens one’s immunity against the deadly virus. Be warned o, yoo!

I like it when breaking up with ladies from the Western part of Accra. They wouldn’t be upset but will still address you nicely and ask: ‘Sweetie Pie, is there anything we can do to help get this relationship back rather than leave me like that? ‘Oh my Love, what has happened, please let’s work it out ai!’. At this point, you may not be able to quit o, hahahahaha.

Tell Ablavi you are breaking up with her and she won’t say anything o. Hehehe! If you survive termination of appointment from your employer the following day, then you too you dey form.

As for Ajeley, the day I told her it’s over, all my ancestors up to my descendants yet unborn were lined up and ‘blasted’ together!

I want to believe these are some of the reasons many men are such cowards and cannot say what it is. But if I tell you my Uncle from Europe is at the Treatment Centre because of the distin, peaceful exit is most likely, no be so? If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer la!

STAY ALERT but don’t stigmatise because it could be anybody including you o, yoo!

*****

The Writer, Mawuli Zogbenu, is an Insurance Practitioner, Communicator and the Weekly Author of the INSURANCE BAKERY Column in the Graphic Business Newspaper. He is also the weekly Author of the humorous page ‘USELESS COLUMN’ published in the Business & Financial Times newspaper and on myjoyonline.com.