Who is that and what do you want in my kitchen cupboard? Oh ok. Hurry up and drink the pepper soup and let me fumigate the place because today is Fridayyyyyyyyy! Hahahahahaha! Salaries would be paid next week and it would finish the following week after 6 March, 1957! Hahahahahahaha! Sixth of March 1957…Ghaaanaaa had Independence Dayyyyy!

Ei! ei! ei! I just realized that whatever you fight hard to correct in a feeble manner rather comes to stay. Do you remember how hard you fought against your first nickname, ZuguZaga and it has come to stay? Or maybe you have forgotten the hard fight against the okada business some 10 years ago and how it is ‘fairing’ now. I am not too sure about how the fight against ‘vigi…’ something something ‘lamptey’ groups would end but I am afraid o! Hmmm!

Imagine the situation where your wife requests of you a list of items you would need to get from your own February salary, for her approval. After approval, she would ask you to account for the money given to you with receipts or else you get nothing from your own March salary. I hope you would add the receipts from guest houses as well as movie houses and state what you went there to do.  This is happening in some other countries o. It’s all in the bid to make homes better and wives happier and men sadder while crying inside themselves quietly! On top, she can choose to deny you the ‘distin’ at night! If that is not what domestic violence against men is, then I don’t know what else could be!

Please this abstract write-up is going to scatter your head o bcos it has no head or tail and everything make chakaaaa! No particular order; everything turned upside down in a haphazard manner! It may appear as a satire but not satirical in any way. Don’t blame me o, bcos I warned you – ‘Please don’t’ read’ o, yoo! If it is not like this, why then is the column called ‘USELESS COLUMN’? Alas ! It is the most ‘useless’ of things that make life worth living! You are not the first to be going through challenges and certainly won’t be the last to go through challenges, so relax, Massa! Ezay!

Can you imagine an observation my wife made and complained about to me yesterday? That two months after the delivery of our last born, it just occurred to her that we have not had sex in the past 2 months’! ‘You and who?’ Talk your own matter o, Madam bcos as for me, I shall live in my father’s house! Ajeei! Men oo men! God forgive our spirit of ‘discontentment’ and edwaman!

We do bad things but won’t disclose until you catch us. Ehern, when last did you disclose your salary to your wife including allowances? Bad man! You dey there talking about ‘the two shall become one’! Says who? Pastor? I see! Then why are you so interested in other ‘soft things’ that are not part of the ‘one’? Soon we would know whether men too dey suffer domestic violence!

Okay, I have 3 children, one boy, one girl. What is the gender of the third child? Even me I don’t know and you think you have the answer? If you go about ‘eating things’ in their ‘raw state’ without protection and deny ownership of the result of your recklessness, and don’t care whether the ‘end product’ is a boy or a girl, what do you expect? Korjo, if you continue to do that, some of those ‘products’ would later find themselves on the streets selling pure water melon and pawpaw. If their lives become harder, circumstances would compel them to devise all kinds of ways to survive and the cycle continues o!

So I saw her not far from where I was driving slowly in the snail-paced traffic congestion at Achimota overhead. My heart was touched. I could see her traya (pan) of sliced water melons on the ground as some slices appeared to have been crashed by moving vehicles. She was in tears with salty water flowing down her cheeks waaa waaa waaa! OMG! Poor girl who might have lost not only the day’s sales but also total revenue! Ao! Her Boss would sack her o. I pitied her. I drove slowly to her and gave her GHC15. At least that was or should be enough to indemnify her. Through her ejaculation, sorry I mean gesticulation, I could see her saying ‘God would bless you’ in a non-verbal appreciation of my magnanimity! This happened on Tuesday. Then yesterday, in a distance driving in the traffic towards Dzorwulu junction, I spotted the same girl with some slices of water melon on the ground and seemed to have been crashed by a moving vehicle. She was crying. Again? I drove slowly to her and as fate would have it, she quickly turned away her face apparently wanting to avoid me after  having identified me; when I sarcastically attempted putting my hand into my back pocket as if to do the needful, she walked quickly into another lane and disappeared. Really? Has it gotten to that? Some people are devising all kinds of means to survive o. Your magnanimity may only turn out to be your st*p*d*ty! Look sharp! It’s so hard to tell who genuinely needs help nowadays. Hmmm!

Talk about salaries of women, the day Ghana would come up with a policy that bears semblance with what pertains in some Asian countries er, men would die o. How can a man work 30 days in a month and the salary is paid into the wife’s  account with a sealed payslip to the wife! It is the wife who decides how much to give to you the man to buy cigarette and cola nut with. Though very discomforting for men, the practice drastically reduces immorality and ‘frequent azaan Friday all nights’!  Side chic phenomenon is eliminated and nobody asks for momo from any man. Abeg, if we should do such a thing in Ghana, the cons would outweigh the pros! Whaat! The economy would be affected and ‘domestic tourism’ badly hampered bcos guest houses and movie houses would be empty leading to job losses. However, children would have the best of education. Wives would enjoy but men would die early, I suwear! Who would pay the hostel rent, hand-out money, hair money, school fees, mobile phone credits, and other ‘essential expenses’ for side Chics? How would men ‘survive’ too and on what? I am just imagining a situation where a side eyi asks for money and I go to ask my wife for money for her! Eish!

I believe strongly that if women are made, by an Act of Parliament in Ghana, to collect salaries on our behalf, they could do a lot of meaningful things with it. That is why if I have to choose between myself and my wife, who should be the first to die in 50 years’ time, I will nominate myself to be the first to go so that my wife can take proper care of the children. If it is the other way round, the children suffer, mostly! So men, please let’s die first and let the women take care of the kids wai!  

But seriously, I don’t know how I would take it if I get to know that my wife calls male friends for momo when ‘she is broke oooo’. This doesn’t sound so cool. Perhaps that is the reason I would support any law that makes it possible for the salaries of husbands to be paid to their wives direct so there is no brokement! I can feel some men cringing already. Hahaha!

But I think it is normal if an unmarried lady calls a married man for momo in return for ‘pounding’; I don’t mean fufu o, yoo - you collect money from me, you bend down for me. Simple, or no be so, Mr Winnston Afrifah of Vanguard Life? That one di3333, Jah Himself will understand! No problem!

I hope there is no funeral or wedding this weekend. Anybody who fixes a wedding or funeral tomorrow needs training on seasonal economics. Don’t worry, salaries would be paid next week…to your wife! Please don’t let your heart miss a beat bcos, it is coming soon. Remember whatever you give to your wife, she gives it back to you in 100 folds. If you give her beatings, you would never know joy bcos DOVVSU would deal with you 100 times and if you are not lucky and she happens to be more muscular than you, your guess is as good as mine. If you give her some ‘whitish creamy fluids’, she gives you a baby in 9 months! How magical our wives are! God bless them! Give them all your salary er, and see what you would get in return!

‘Don’t look up’, that is when everyone would look up to see what is there! Man does the exact opposite of what he is asked not to do. If I had titled this abstract: ‘Don’t beat your wife’, nobody would read, no be so? Hahahaaa!

Hododiooo! Hoooooo!