‘God has compassion for those who fear Him’ is the message he preached that made me fall in love with his style of preaching. I’ve never met the man o, but he has succeeded in getting me hooked to listening to him on radio always. He celebrated his birthday last Tuesday February 12. The initials of his first three names have everything to do with ‘eating; but he eats mostly only spiritual food’! ‘E.A.T’ or ‘A.T.E’ or ‘T.E.A’! Hahaaa! Happy birthday to you, Bishop E.A.T Sackey of the Qadesh Lighthouse Chapel or the Mega Church. He is one of the few men of God left for me to meet some day.

The rest include Bishop James Saah, Prophet Annor, and Lady Pastor Lawyer Adelaide Heward-Mills! Indeed ‘God has compassion for those who fear Him’! Anytime I feel like ‘doing bad’ and I remember this simple but powerful message, I retreat! Perhaps that’s the reason I didn’t visit any guest house yesterday, Val’s Day. I stayed at home throughout with the only woman I have ever known, my wife. I thank  God the days of Ananias and Saphira are gone or else by now, after saying this, Awudome straight!

Val’s Day and guest houses? What is the use of wardrobes in guest houses? Does anybody really use them especially for a few hours ‘eyi’? Guest house owners, don’t waste your investments on wardrobes wai the same way you have reduced the sizes of your bathing soaps for economic prudence. All we need are hangers and a table to put our clothing, mobile phones and car keys on and a good mattress with 3 pillows as ‘support’. One pillow for me, one pillow for her and the other pillow to raise the ‘body’ for the ‘this thing’ to facilitate easy access to the eyi! But wardrobes? Not necessary! Even those funny smells put me off!  After all, how long is one going to be in the guest room, where ‘sweet evil’ thrives mostly?

‘Comrades Ahooo’… and the response: ‘Ahoyaaaa’ tells you the zone in which you are; not a place to joke with oo! How I loved and still love the green uniform with black beret to match. Being a soldier had been my childhood dream and I wasted no time to join the school’s cadet corps during my second cycle education.

‘O Zamina mina watiwa..O Zamina mina watiwa…..abele abele…Kumasi Bantama abele ooo…Zamina mina yeeeeeyee abele ooo! This popular military morale song can easily deceive you to think the best and most comfortable place to be was the military. It smacks of total excitement and team spirit. Well, I proceeded to join the Indece Hall Naval Cadet Corps with one coward, Soul Brother aka Sammy Essien. It was all bcos I wanted to be a soldier in the future. Reason? I wanted my cousins to fear me and also to have access to a gun with which I can kill some stubborn rats in my area instead of the sanctioned mandate to protect my territorial boundaries!

So after school I got the opportunity to be enlisted after undergoing series of processes including medical examination and started training. In fact at the Military Academy, all I wanted was the green green uniform and camouflage - the one which has now become a fashion for some pastors when they want to attack the devil face to face, with microphones instead of with guns.

Anything short of the green green, I won’t accept bcos I believed that is what makes a soldier. They said Navy and Air Force were also available but I wanted to be a ‘soldier’. In fact, I got to know later that they were all the same except that they operate in different environments – navy for sea, air force, in the air, and of course, Army, those on land. If you don’t know this, please ask Flt Lt Boom. Army is where the feeling is, I thought!

Indeed to me the presence of one soldier is equal to that of 100 ordinary persons! Don’t go there!

I was so excited about the way people would be saluting me. I loved to see the mowag, peace-goer war vehicles but strangely I never liked seeing guns; neither did I like the sight of blood. I didn’t know why but being a soldier was what mattered to me.

The first day of reporting was the beginning of the rapture. Nothing like welcome address; everything was hei, hei, hei, kla kla kla, grim, grim, grim, run, run, run, double, double! I started feeling dizzy! Ei, soldier work, e be so e dey?

My muscles begun to give signs of being at the wrong place. I was to eat everything hot within seconds. One could simply not access pannadol extra to ease muscle pains. ‘Oh, why was it that nobody told me about all of this trouble?’, I bemoaned. One was permitted to sleep just about 20 minutes out of the 24 hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night, you are asked to come and sing Methodist hymns!

With an enduring mind, I said to myself I could manage till we got over so I can become a military officer too but…Jesus! After 4 days of training, during one of the dawn training sessions, I stealthily went into the bush and succeeded in getting on board a trotro heading for home. Sadly for me, one of the physical training instructors was also on board the trotro. This ‘devil’ of an instructor immediately picked me up and prayed over me as if he didn’t know why I had to run away. Casting demons, I pleaded with him to let me go with the excuse that I said I wanted it but now I don’t want it again. Haba why, na by force? ‘No pain, no gain were his words’ but none of these made me change my mind.

My conduct was reported to the Academy’s high ranking officials. That was the beginning of my woes. Every drill that my colleagues were subjected to, I did four times that for my punishment.

So at this stage, it was clear I was no longer a human being but something else. I asked some of my colleagues if they had no regrets and everybody did have one regret or the other apart from one lady from Legon Medical School. I remember her first name very well – Tundraya! I had never seen a lady doctor that brave, pretty and strong; she is Builsa from Sandema Wechiaw! She could carry logs and run with them as though carrying exercise books. Ei. I understand she is a Lt Colonel now on a UN Mission somewhere in Africa. But for me, I didn’t think I belonged there. Kai!

I started misbehaving deliberately so they could sack me. Unfortunately for me, these ‘hard-hearted’ training instructors get excited by my bad behaviour and were not perturbed at all.

One of the kamkpe Naval Officers never smiled. Maybe he is smiling now. ‘Where from this self-imposed curse to become a soldier at all’! I kept asking myself.

It got to a point they appeared to have given up on me. Their reason was that there was no way I could become a soldier and kill even a fly. I was ‘afraid man’ first class! I had only two options left either to die or run away. I even discussed with one of the instructors if it was possible to be posted to the kitchen department after everything bcos I didn’t like guns and he said ‘a soldier who dies in the kitchen is a cook’ but I said no problem, kitchen would still be better! After all, once a soldier…Kai!

Fortunately, my good friend Sammy Essien, who encouraged me to join had earlier confided in me that as for him he joined the military because of uniform and didn’t mind even if he was not paid. He came to me crying maaaamaa like a kid. Why? ‘Soldier is not for me’, he lamented. He is now a broadcast journalist with very loud mouth at microphones instead of... Sammy and I together, we devised a plan to get ourselves injured. I got a sprained ankle; I was happy I was withdrawn. He feigned a seizure and was withdrawn even though medical examinations proved otherwise because he believed it was spiritual!

But I see my intake mates today some of whom are Majors, Captains and Lt Colonels, and I regret for not enduring the pain but it is ok. What kind of work is this – everything hei hei, hei! Greetings o, Major Asampong (Bobos)! You remember those days? Hahahaa! You force waa!

But one thing still remains with me as part of the discipline from the few days of military training – TIME CONSCIOUSNESS; you can’t spend a night at the military training school and still lose this! Who born dawg!

May I please have your permission to fall out Sa! Yesa! I take am. In fact I am running away…again!

Me, join Army again? Where? Lailai! Maybe Salvation Army…some day!

Ahua!