What many people don’t know about me is that I dropped out of Law School o; this is bcos I was never even admitted to do Law in the first place. They foresaw it. Can I ever even win a single case against anybody? Abeg, let me think about my Volenti Non Fit Injuria and Enterprise Risk Management as far as insurance is concerned. Confusing ryt? Don’t worry; that is how different people in different professions handle their issues with the use of jargons!

I often don’t send lawyer friends Merry Christmas and Happy New Year wishes. Most lawyers would almost invariably have a problem with their own legal interpretation of it. It therefore didn’t come to me as a surprise when on my birthday December 25^thvarious platforms were awash with messages wishing me well but the lawyers on one of my most important platforms – ‘THE SPARTANS OF UST’refused to wish me happy birthday. You know why? They privately sent me messages requesting to see my birth certificate first as evidence before they go ahead to post anything on the platform. They were of the firm conviction that the absence of evidence is different from the evidence of absence! Ei! what kind of professionals kraaabi these ones! Allah! Woe unto you if you call yourself a ‘learned friend’ if you have not passed through the walls of Makola; they make you feel as if you haven’t ‘learned’ anything upon all your degrees! They would put it to you right now la! Ao! Hmmm!

This Christmas Day, I shared my predicament of how I was put under house arrest by myself in my own house in the morning. Being the only Ayigbeman in my neighbourhood, a certain suspicion was triggered. A neighbor, a non-Ewe Biochemist’s male cat got missing the 24^th night and they could not find it but could smell the aroma of a strange meat emanating from my kitchen. I automatically became a prime suspect. Who else? As diplomatic as he was, he didn’t confront me. He rather positioned his family members strategically around my house waiting to see if per chance, after consumption, I would throw some bones outside the wall. His intention was to pick the bones, send them to the Noguchi Memorial Institute Lab for a forensic test to establish which animal’s bones they were. If it turned out to be the bones of a cat, I was going to be in trouble. This would definitely make them establish a prima facie case against me with the conviction in knowledge that they are very much aware I did not own any cats of my own as no cat would like to be my pet for reasons best known to the cats themselves.

Then the lawyers and the legal brains on the platform started their arguments. One prominent one is a Law Professor at GIMPA, Dr Derrick Ohemengwhile the other is a Lawyer specialized in serious legal matters including small ones like bringing divorcees back together, Lawyer Evans Anaba Esq of Kpatsa and Associates.

A famous Economist, Dr Lord Mensah of the UGBS who himself could have been used for ‘goat light soup’ this yuletide (relax, only the Spartans understand this…hahahahaha), also shared his opinion though he is not a lawyer. From his economic perspective, his ‘economic mouth’ itched into the matter. He argued that if the soup being prepared had even cat meat in it, there was no cause for alarm as economically speaking, it would be difficult to tell whether the cat meat was that from the cat belonging to my neighbor unless the neighbor could clearly establish the weight of the meat two months ago on a pie chat compared to its economic weight now using a bar chat!

Dr Mensah further argued that my defence could have been that I’d bought the cat meat from Kormi Seka Fai’s cat abattoir on the spintex road. And that he, as an Economics Professor, knows that cat meat is available on the Cat Stock Market anywhere in town nowadays since the delicacy has become famous and that he knows a cat farm based somewhere in Esenam Dzirassah (Pinker’s) home town at Sogakope from where Kormi Seka Fai gets his supplies!

Then Sonny Rocky, the ‘gentleman’ and his ‘frenemy’ Sammy Eshun (aka Soul Brother) decided to talk as usual in very non-legal terms including tsunami in Indonesia – completely off beat! We know them for that so it didn’t come as a surprise!

As fate would have it, one of the ‘quietest’ Spartans based in the UK, Akroway, decided to innocently post this: MERRY CHRISTMAS WISHES TO YOU ALL’. That was when hell broke loose! Is it not normal around this time for such wishes?

Lawyer Evans AnabaEsqwas the first to take Akroway on with the following post:

‘The sender (Akroway) hereinafter referred to as the wisher and where the context so admit include his personal representatives, family, relatives and / or assigns) wishes to, in a special way, convey his season’s greetings to you the recipient (hereinafter referred to as the wishee and where the context admit include personal representatives, loved ones, and assigns). The wisher’s greetings supercede any other greetings that may have been sent prior and in the event of any conflict as regards the greetings, the greetings herein shall prevail, without prejudice to the foregoing and for avoidance of doubt, the greetings herein relate to Christmas. However, the same shall apply mutatis mutandis to the new year celebrations’.

Signed – Barrister Evans Anaba Esq.

You can trust lawyers on a common subject- they hardly agree on anything said and concluded by another! I still don’t know why but maybe they are just trained to intellectually argue their cases out no matter what. Thank God for Judges in the gap!

Lawyer Anaba’s argument was swiftly countered and reacted to by a Law Professor of GIMPA also on the platform as follows, albeit briefly:

‘This message above is sui generis to others already administered without consideration being paid. Because it is executory in nature, the wishee would like to inform the wisher that it is voidable unless the right consideration which is one black male goat is paid’. Signed: Dr Derrick Ohemeng!

The rest of us including the engineers and medical doctors on the platform became quiet and just observing in awe. Ei, greetings o, Mrs Dr Elizabeth Wynns-Dogbe, MD / CEO of SIC Life Insurance, I was expecting your reactions to the matters that arose that fateful Tuesday o. Anyway, I know you know but you don’t like talking plenty like Spartans Asibi, Ranzie, Sonny, Soul Bro and Gizo! Hahaaaaa!

Have you ever seen two lawyers arguing and at the end of the argument they would say: ‘My learned friend, I agree with you’?

Last Tuesday’s event only reminded me of my two lawyer friends who got married and decided to visit me at home one early morning and refused to eat anything. According to him and his wife, it is constitutionally wrong though traditionally right to prepare a meal for a guest who does not know the source of the ingredients. First, the ingredients must be filed for prima facie (ie on the face of it), and then they (the guests) have to agree in signature whether he and his wife want to eat anything prepared in a silver bowl they have not set eyes on before as that constituted domestic ‘ambiguity’ as far as evidence is concerned ab initio! I suwear, if you have not had a brush with the law before, you wouldn’t know Lawyers are so intellectually sophisticated with procedures. Kw3333!

In their home, if the husband says he wants to eat fresh fish and banku, his wife would first disagree with him on the basis that it is naturally and constitutionally not right for fish to be eaten fresh but needs to be cooked, fried or smoked first thus making it legally acceptable for consumption. The wife would not accept any vehicle bought for her if the husband fails to provide information regarding the terms and conditions of the manufacturer in respect of use of car and the specific chassis number she desires. If the man asks for a quarrel, (which all husbands do deliberately sometimes), she would tell him: ‘Adjourned’ or ‘Acquitted’not because she has given up o but just for peace to prevail – that matter would be resurrected later. If the man coughs, the woman would sneeze. If the man goes to the barber shop to cut his hair on his ‘asphalt head’, the woman would confront the barber for charging full payment for a savannah head with half hair akin to charging a one-eyed man half the price at the movies! Women are powerful o; perhaps what many people don’t know is that they represent the ‘LAW’ in ‘Mother-in-Law’ and ‘Father-in-Law’. They are actually the LAW!

As 2018 gradually draws to a close, I am even afraid to lump together every one and say HAPPY NEW YEAR bcos the lawyers would see it and then wahala for me!

So what do the expressions ‘Mutatis mutandis and Suis Generis mean?

Happy New Year to everyone except…hahahahahaaaaaa!